Page 70 of Love Undecided
Chapter 31
Kat
Sherman makes us all go home after a couple hours to get some sleep. I am exhausted but can't imagine sleeping right now. I make myself a cup of Sleepy Time tea and head out to the balcony to drink it before I take a nap.
I send Remi a quick text.
Me: So, how was The Date?
Remi: Good! I think I like him. Is that bad? His name is Alex and he’s really great. Can I just tell you how fucking amazing his body is?
Me: Did you have sex, little Miss Slutty Slut?
Remi: OMG! No! Bitch. But he was standing behind me during the whole concert, in that pose where he puts his arms around your waist. God, I love it when guys do that. Anyway, his chest and abs were like rock solid. Plus, I thought I was going to climb right up his chest and try to get inside of him when he kissed me goodnight, I couldn’t get enough.
Me: He kissed you goodnight?!?! Yay!
I say ‘yay’ in my text, but really I’m dying just a little bit inside. Because I’m a jealous asshole.
Remi: He said he would love to go to movie night tonight and he wants to take me to dinner this weekend!
Me: Wow – that’s awesome!
Remi: And, last thing, then I gotta go – he’s a face holder!
We all agree that when a guy grabs your face with a hand on either cheek to kiss you, it’s like an instant panty dropper. Think – the ‘it’s not over scene’ inThe Notebook,the one where Noah and Allie have THE kiss. Or, of course, the most romantic kiss in the entire world, the kiss between Wesley and Princess Buttercup inThe Princess Bride.
Sigh.
Me: Damn girl, this is me being jealous!
Remi: I gotta run, but have a good day. I’ll see you tonight. Love you!
Me: Ditto!
I’m happy for her, I really am.
No I’m not.
I am a really shitty friend.
Like the shittiest.
Because at the same time that I’m happy, I’m jealous. So jealous and so fucking sad. And if I’m really honest with myself, it has more to do with opportunity and what this new beginning for her represents. And no one deserves a new beginning more than Remi does.
I will never have another new beginning with a man. That time period in the beginning of a relationship where everything is all about hope and optimism and the future. When the bad hasn’t tainted anything yet and all you know is what you can dream. And everything is as sweet and wonderful as candy and rainbows and puppies and kitties.
I look up toward my hidden camera, I can’t help it. Somehow the camera helps me feel less lonely. And, even though I know I’m not supposed to tip him or her off that we know the camera is there, I start talking to it anyway, but tilt my head down slightly in case they're watching.
“You know I’ve got Metastatic Breast Cancer, right?” I say to the camera. “It’s never going away. I am never going to be okay. I’m always going to have cancer, it’s terminal, it’s always going to be killing me. It’s always going to come back.
“How do I establish relationships knowing that? How do I commit to anything? It’s impossible, right? So why do I let Remi and Lexie stay close?”
I pause.
Then glance up at the camera again. “You aren’t going to give me an answer, I have no idea why I paused for one. Because I’m losing my mind, that’s why. You know my mom is always so optimistic, well, either optimistic or stupid. She thinks that every time I show no evidence of disease that I’m cured forever.
“I can’t be that optimistic about it. I wish I could. If I could, maybe I could react differently with Brad. I mean, I guess I could just try to react differently with Brad. What do you think? Yeah, it still doesn’t change what I’d be doing to him when it comes back. Maybe I’ll text him and invite him to lunch. That’s a good idea, right? Actually the good idea is to stop talking to my creepy stalker’s fucking camera.”
