Page 73 of Love Undecided
Chapter 33
Kat
I get to movie night atLovestonea little early so I can hang out with Lexie before it starts. We sneak away to her office so I can catch her up on the last day or so. I intend to talk about the case, but find myself going in a different direction almost immediately.
I sometimes find myself talking to Lexie more about my feelings than I do with Remi. Mostly because she's just so accepting and forgiving. It doesn't matter what kind of shit I do to myself, or to anyone else, she is right there to help me pick up the shattered pieces of myself when I'm through. And with nothing but love in her eyes. No judgment, no accusations, just acceptance. Even when I go from fine to an emotional wreck in a matter of seconds and confess the complete mess I’ve made of my life.
“I let Bauer get to me so I can distract myself from Brad. Even though it’s never going to happen. Not with either one of them. But especially not Brad. And I know it’s just me, but I also know he knows me well enough to realize it’s just me and that’s why he still has hope. But it’s not going to work, I can’t be with someone who has seen me so weak. When he was with me I was weak, physically and emotionally. He never got to have me when I was strong, not for more than a couple weeks anyway."
My hand shakes as I lift my wine glass to take a drink. I try to mask the shake with a swirl, but Lexie notices. She reaches over to squeeze my free hand with hers. I take a deep drink of my wine and let out an even deeper breath.
“He’s seen me when I couldn’t even make it to the bathroom before vomiting. When running out of Kleenex would set me over the edge and make me cry for hours. When I was so exhausted I couldn’t even sleep. I just laid there in a near catatonic state consumed in a pity party for one. And I know that should make me want him more because I’m guaranteed that he’ll always take care of me, but instead it feels the opposite.”
My chest starts to tighten. I'm feeling emotions that I'm just not willing to feel right now. Maybe not ever again.
“What is fucking wrong with me that I don’t want someone in my life who is going to make sure I’m taken care of? I mean what kind of an emotional masochist am I? Everyone looks for that in life, someone to have their back, someone to pick them up when they are down, someone to be their strength when they feel weak.
“I have no problem letting you guys do that, and I love you for it. But when it comes to Brad, I just can’t let him in. It makes me feel sick inside at the thought of him taking care of me again. Especially after what happened with his mom.”
I start to cry.
“I don’t want to be alone. And I can’t keep stringing Brad along, which is what I feel like I’m doing every time I let him do something for me. But, at the same time, I don’t want him to go away.”
I cover my face with my hands and rub my forehead roughly.
“Ugh! I’ve just got to make a choice and stick to it. Right? I mean, don’t I? Does that make sense?”
She grabs my hand and squeezes softly. “Of course it does, sweetie. Now take a breath.”
“It also makes me a brutal fucking bitch, doesn’t it?” I ask thinking about what Bauer said.
“A little,” she says softly. “But an understandable one. I mean, not everyone can go through what you went through, not once, not twice, but three times and come out unscathed. And by that, I mean, you know, mostly unscathed.”
We both laugh at that. Mine an ugly half cry, half laugh. Hers, a light tinkling, like when glasses meet in a toast.
She continues, “You’re the only one who knows what you need and the only one who knows why. It really doesn’t fucking matter what anyone else thinks because they aren’t the ones in your head and in your heart. So, no matter what you think youshouldwant or what your mom thinks you should want, or even what Rem and I think you should want, you need to just want what you want!”
“That’s a lot of wants.”
“Yeah,” she says and laughs. “But you know who taught me that it doesn’t matter what anyone else wants for you, it only matters what you yourself want?”
She looks at me, her eyes soft.
“Me,” I whisper.
“You,” she says.
I reach over and give her a hug. ”I love you, Lexie.”
“Love you back, beautiful girl,” she says. “Now let's get some more wine and watch our favorite movie!"
* * *
Remi has The Date picking her up and they are meeting us there. We did end up inviting Bauer to join us for the movie since he's never seenGoonies, but he claimed to have too much work with the case.
As usual, the tasting room is hopping and Lexie’s staff is doing an amazing job of multi-tasking between finishing up with the last of the wine tastings for the day and setting up the movie attendees.
I wander out to the tasting room to get a glass of wine before grabbing a seat for the movie. Remi and The Date happen to walk in the front door at the same time I walk in from the office. I watch them before they have a chance to notice me. I like them together already. I can see why their kiss was so fantastic. They kind of exude chemistry.
