Page 8 of Love Undecided
Chapter 5
Brad
I leave the gym and sprint to my car. I'm running late and now only have ten minutes to make a twenty-minute trip to the fire station for an all-company meeting.
My ribs are sore, and I realize I'm going to have to wrap them for the next few days. I must have a death wish having just sparred for over an hour with a guy from the semi-pro boxing circuit, especially since my primary purpose in the ring is to let this guy beat the crap out of me. Don’t get me wrong, I defend myself, but I also intentionally take a beating.
The pain keeps me real and gives me something to focus on.
I started doing it after Kat left me, every time I had a day off and sometimes twice a day. It probably would have been fine except that wasn't the only reckless behavior I was engaging in.
I just needed to feel alive again to make sure I was still here. When she left me, I died inside. Became an empty shell of the man I had been when I was with her. And it wasn’t possible to return to the man I was with her. It wasn’t even possible to return to the man I wasbeforeher.
Life with Kat is hi-definition full technicolor, everything before and after her is just grayscale.
Before Kat, I’d been the model firefighter, working my way through the ranks from probie to engineer to lieutenant with the goal of making captain after a few more years.
My goal is still to make captain, possibly even chief. It’s just going to take a hell of a lot longer now to get back to the point where I was before Kat single-handedly destroyed my career. It’s amazing what one night in jail can do to a guy’s life.
* * *
I’d come home from an offsite training followed by happy hour with the station guys to find her sitting on the deck with bloodshot eyes and a half-empty bottle of tequila next to her. When I asked her what was wrong and how the doctor's appointment had gone, she turned to me and handed me her engagement ring, and said, "I need you to pack your stuff and leave."
"What do you mean?" I asked her.
"Just what I said. I need you to pack your stuff and leave. We are over."
"What the fuck, Kat!? Did something happen today? What did the doctor say? Are you all right? What's going on?" I couldn't get my questions out fast enough. But she wasn't providing any answers. She just sat there staring out at the dark sea, fiddling with her shot glass.
"Just go, please," she said.
"I'm not going anywhere. What the hell is going on? We're getting married in two weeks. Tell me what's going on. Is it the cancer? Is it back?"
She choked out a bitter laugh.
“Its back all right. With a fucking vengeance. Stage Four, Metastatic Breast Cancer with an initial prognosis of three to six months to live." Tears started streaming down her face. “So get the fuck out."
I kneeled in front of her and grabbed her hands.
"Kat, please. I don't understand. We're getting married, that's forever, and I'm not going anywhere. We can beat this. It doesn't change anything."
"Doesn't change anything?!?" she yelled. “It changes fucking everything. Nothing is the same and it never will be. Its over. Everything is over. We're over. My life is over. This is it, Brad. Don't you get it? This isit!”
She stood and began pacing around the deck. I stood and waited to see if she would calm down. Instead of the pacing calming her, it seemed to make her more upset.
"You need to go. You need to go. You can't stay here. You can't be here anymore. I don't want you here."
"Kat… " Tears were pooling in my eyes.
"Brad - you need to go. Can't you see? This is bad. You're upset, I'm upset. This isn't doing anybody any good. We are through. I can't make it any plainer to you. Please pack your things and go."
"I'm not leaving you. We may not be married yet, but I've made a commitment to you Kat. A commitment to love you no matter what. A commitment to stay by your side during good times and bad. I plan to stand by that commitment."
"You plan to stand by that commitment?" she asked. “Stand by it? That's exactly what I'm talking about. I'm not going to be that person, the one that makes you stand by them and watch them die." She was crying harder now.
I knew she was thinking about my mom and how she died. And worse, how my brother and my father and I all watched her die.
Slowly.
