Page 88 of Love Undecided
Chapter 39
Brad
I take a deep breath to try and rein my anger in.
It doesn't help.
“First.” I lean over the table toward her to make sure she hears every word I say.
Clearly and accurately.
“YOU don’t fucking tell ME what I do and don’t deserve. You don’t tell me what I need in a relationship.
“Second, I’m a grown fucking man, capable of making my own decisions. You don’t get to decide anything like this for me.
"Third, you can barely figure your own shit out for yourself, so don’t ever presume to think that you even fucking come close to knowing what is best for me. For fuck’s sake, Kat!
“Is that what this is all about? Some stupid fucked up notion that you aren’t good enough? Or that I’ll get tired of you? Of the cancer? Is that even your decision to make? No! It’s not! You are not qualified to make that decision. You think it’s so bad that I’ve only known you for the time that you’ve had cancer. Well, baby, that’s all you’ve known of me either.
“So, what the fuck? Do you need someone who treats you bad? Who forgets about your treatments? Who doesn’t want to put you on a fucking pedestal and worship you? What? Only women who DON’T have cancer get those things? What about all that bullshit you’re spewing during your pep talks to the cancer patients? Is that just for their benefit? More of your ‘do as I say but not as I do’?”
I want to fucking hit something. I can't believe the absurdity of this conversation. How can she really feel this way? Does she really think so little of herself? So little of me?
“This is absolute and complete bullshit, Kat!”
“Keep your voice down,” she says.
“I will not fucking keep my voice down. If people don’t like it, FUCK THEM.” I look at the ladies at the next table, sure that's who she is referring to, they look away quickly. I keep talking.
“YOU do not know everything. You may think you do, but you don’t. Just because you’ve got your fucking intuitions going in your head and get to help the police with shit does not mean that you have a handle on anything else. Especially not relationships and even more so not a relationship with me.
“The fact that we are even sitting here with you thinking that you are cutting me out of your life is pathetic, Kat. So fucking pathetic. Don’t you think that if I didn’t want you then a month into our relationship, when you were first diagnosed, would have been the best time to end it? So, what, you think I’m going to put myself through that, putyouthrough that, put our families and friends through all that just to leave you later? Are you that fucking insecure? That closed off? Well?”
I know she doesn't have an answer to that. I can tell by the look on her face. But I need something from her right now. I need her to admit she's wrong. That I'm right. That we will be together.
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” she whispers.
She starts crying.
I'm such an asshole.
I don't want to make her cry. I want to make her listen. I want to make her understand. I want to make her change her mind. But I never want to make her cry.
“Fuck, Kat.” I lean across the table, grabbing her face in my hands and trying to wipe her tears with my thumbs. She's so fucking beautiful. Even when she's upset. How could I do this to her? What kind of a monster am I?
“God, baby, don’t cry,” I tell her. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell at you or make you cry. You just make me so frustrated sometimes.”
“That’s what I’m talking about,” she says. “I’m frustrating and you’ll get tired of it and then you’ll leave.”
“Kat, I asked you to fucking marry me.”
“When there was no evidence of disease!” She starts crying even harder.
“Jesus Christ. Was I supposed to ask when you were in treatment? My bad. I’ll do it differently next time," I say.
“Brad, it’s never going to go away. Never! It’s always going to be with me, hanging over my head like a black cloud just waiting to rain toxic poison all over my life. I will never be able to live a life without knowing the cancer will come back. I won’t live a full life. It will kill me. It’s just a matter of when.”
“Everybody fucking dies, Kat.”
