Page 94 of Love Undecided
Chapter 42
Brad
I run after Stacy, finally catching up to her in the parking lot. "Stacy, please stop, just talk to me."
She stops and turns to me. “There’s nothing to say, Brad. On some level I knew this day would come, I just thought you were man enough to tell me first and not cheat.”
“It just happened, I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry if I hurt you. I have always had feelings for Kat, and I was honest with you about that.”
“I know,” she says, tears streaming down her face. “You’re right. I guess I just thought with time that would change. It didn’t seem like she wanted you back. I just wish you would have said something to me.”
“I meant to, last night, but then I was paged, and I already had these plans with Kat... “
“Save it, Brad,” she says. “I don’t need to listen to your excuses right now. You’re right, you never promised me anything, but you still stayed with me, and that’s got to count for something.”
And there it is.
I knew that was coming and it made me sick to my stomach. Because she’s right. I loved to pretend that as long as I told her I wasn’t emotionally invested it didn’t matter what I did. But I was wrong.
“You’re right, Stacy, and I’m sorry for that. It was wrong of me to do.”
“It was. You’re an asshole.”
“I am.” I don’t want to argue with her, I know she is right with everything she is saying. I behaved like a total asshole. I probably deserve to be left by both Kat and Stacy at this point. But I sure as fuck am not letting Kat go again. I look at Stacy, she’s still crying.
“Are you okay? Do you need a ride home?”
“Getting rid of me already?” she asks, bitterly.
“No... I just... I want... I didn’t mean for it to go down like this. And I want to make sure you are okay.”
“No, I’m not okay,” she says. “But I will be.”
“I hope we can still be friends,” I say and then instantly regret it.
“Don’t count on it,” she says. I’m relieved at her response. Unfortunately, she sees that on my face before I can hide it. “Oh my God, you’re actually relieved. Jeez, Brad, just when I think that maybe you’re a decent guy, you totally prove that you’re still just an asshole.”
I have nothing to say to that. I move to give her a hug goodbye.
“Don’t touch me,” she says. And then she turns and walks away.
Well, that went well.
I turn to go back to the restaurant and get Kat.
I should have known that Kat would not stay at the restaurant and wait for me. I reach our table and see that everything has been cleared from when we were there and new table settings are out.
“Fuck, where did you go, Kat?” I mumble. The waitress comes out and asks me if I forgot something. “I’m pretty sure my pride is gone, maybe my dignity and self-respect as well. Seen those anywhere?”
She looks confused for a second and then laughs.
“Thanks anyway,” I tell her then turn and walk away. I decide to walk down to the beach and wait for the sunset. If I’m going to wallow in self-pity over how I’ve completely fucked up my love life, I may as well do it with a view. I continue to call Kat’s cell, but she has either turned it off or is hitting ‘send to voicemail’ every time she sees my name show up on the screen.
Once I reach the sand, I take off my socks and shoes and continue walking barefoot. I can go one of two directions, toward the fire house or towards Kat’s house. Neither seem appealing right now, so I just sink to my ass and sit there.
I don’t know how this entire situation got so completely fucked up. She can’t possibly believe that I would leave her just because of the cancer. It’s not even back, and she’s already planning for it. I’m not naive, I know that she’s not getting better. I know that with the number of times that it has already metastasized, it will continue to metastasize again and again until it kills her.
That’s not a good reason for us not to be together while we wait for that to happen. She cheats us both out of something good. How can she be so stubbornly wrong about this? I know from that kiss, that she knows she’s wrong and that she knows that we belong together. It’s a choice; all she has to do is make the choice to be together, and we can be. She just has to choose happy, and then we both get to be.
