Page 64 of Love Unavoidable
“Just let me finish,” she says.
I nod.
“On paper, Aaron is perfect for me, everything I should ever want or need in a partner. Things with you and me are kind of like this rush of intensity all the time. I worry that we would get to a point that I would crave that rush and constantly try to make it happen. The rush of friction and tension, you know? And that I wouldn’t allow myself to settle into something healthy and normal.” She digs her toes in the sand some more. Flashes of hot pink peeking through the sand as it falls away. I wait for her to continue.
“The way I see it is, not having that intensity with Aaron puts him in that healthy and normal column. But, I gotta be honest, that sounds boring right about now. So, there has got to be an in between, you know? And if there isn’t, and it’s intense with everyone except Aaron, then I’ll know. But right now, I have no comparisons and without that, I can’t help but feel that my safest choice is to be with Aaron,” she says looking off toward the horizon, not meeting my eyes.
“So, if I’m understanding you correctly, you are saying that you need to date other men to see if you have this same intensity that you and I have with anyone else?”
She nods, still not looking at me.
“And if it’s just as intense with everyone then you’ll feel compelled to go back to Aaron because he’s the safer choice?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. Yes. No.”
“And what if it’s not as intense with everyone else? What if it’s just intense with me?”
She shrugs.
“Is Aaron still the safer choice then as well?”
She doesn’t answer.
“So, when you said you weren’t in love with Aaron and you didn’t think you ever really were, what did you mean by that?”
“Just that,” she says looking up and meeting my eyes for the first time since we stopped walking.
“Are you saying you would rather spend your life with someone you aren’t in love with over having a relationship with intensity?”
She doesn’t answer.
“Tell me, Sadie. Are these things you came up with on your own? Or did your mom put these ideas in your head when the two of you talked?”
She looks up at me. Even though she remains silent, I can see the answer in her eyes.
“Well, how about this, I can’t be with someone who can’t think for herself, so now it doesn’t matter.” I turn and walk back up the beach towards Brad and Kat’s house. Half hoping that Sadie will yell for me to stop, or at least run after me. But she does neither. When I reach the steps that lead up to the street level, I look back, Sadie is still standing in that same spot.
Immobile.
It’s like a metaphor for her decisions.
