Page 1 of How to Ruin Your Ex's Wedding
Prologue
KEEPING TABS -
SEASON ONE, EPISODE EIGHTEEN
ANNOUNCER VOICEOVER: Tabatha and her husband, Pax, are enjoying a rare date night at home with nothing but the near-hidden cameras and producers watching them. Such is life since they agreed to allow their lives and marriage to be broadcast via an online streaming service. And, once you get used to having cameras around—all day, every day—it becomes normal and much easier to forget they’re there.
Tabatha buries her head in Pax’s chest and covers her eyes. Her long red hair cascades down, hiding her face.
“I can’t watch,” Tabatha says. “I just know Mary will be eaten by zombies and I don’t want to bear witness to it.” A light squeal lends credit to her statement.
“Hey, Tabs? It’s okay to look now.” Pax chuckles, and tightens his arm around Tabatha’s shoulders for a brief beat before resting his arm along the back of the couch again. “She’s still alive. Bill sacrificed himself so she could live.”
Tabatha spreads her fingers slowly to peek between them. “Ohmigod, really? So now Bill is dead?”
“Sadly, yes.” Pax turns and kisses her forehead before returning his attention to the movie.
TABATHA VOICEOVER: Even from the safety of our living room, the threat of zombies feels real. And Bill and Mary like friends, even though they are only characters in a movie. And movies are fake. I would know, I starred in them as a kid. Besides, growing up in the land of make-believe isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Sure the fame and the money are great, but you are forced to exist in a constant state of suspended belief with unrealistic expectations of how the world works. Like now, I know that only thecharacterBill is dead, not a real person. But that doesn’t stop me from mourning his passing anyway.
“What a sacrifice.” Tabatha sighs. “I can’t believe he would do that. That’s so romantic. Giving your life for someone you love is, like, the ultimate gesture.”
“That’s not romantic,” Pax scoffs. “Bill’s a (BLEEP) idiot.”
“It is romantic. It is,” Tabatha says. “He saved Mary’s life.”
“Baby, who cares?” Pax counters. “If she’s not complaining, she’s screaming and crying. All she’s done through the entire movie is slow Bill down. She lost the keys to the car, can’t aim a gun to save her life, literally. Not to mention she dropped their entire food supply in the river, and it washed away. Mary’s life wasn’t worth saving. Definitely not by sacrificing his own.”
Tabatha sits up and leans away from Pax.
“Of course it was,” Tabatha says. “He loves her.”
“Pfft.” Pax’s eyes don’t leave the screen.
“It’s the ultimate gesture of love.” Tabatha crosses her arms over her ample chest.
Pax looks at her, his dark eyes wide. “That’sthe ultimate gesture of love?”
“Yes! He’s putting her life above his own. Showing her that she is the most important thing in the world to him. Even over himself,” Tabatha says.
PRODUCER VOICEOVER: Do you really think that Bill should let Mary be eaten by zombies?
PAX VOICEOVER: (BLEEP) I don’t know. No, probably not. I mean, regardless, it’s a stupid thing to be arguing about.
PRODUCER VOICEOVER: You really think so? I don’t know, man, if it were me and my woman was wanting me to throw myself to the zombies just so she could live, when we both knew she’d die anyway, I’d be pissed. That’s just not rational thinking.
PAX VOICEOVER: But it’s not Tabs and me, it’s Bill and Mary. And they aren’t real.
PRODUCER VOICEOVER: Is it though? Is it really Bill and Mary that you and Tabatha are talking about? Don’t you think that every time these scenarios come up, your responses are based on reality and what you would do in a similar situation?
PAX VOICEOVER: Mine weren’t based on reality. Oh, hell, maybe they were. I didn’t think about it like that. And if I’m thinking about it like that, then so is Tabs. Which means she thinksIshould throw myself to the zombies?
PRODUCER VOICEOVER: Exactly. And if you ask me, that’s a really messed up thing to do.
“I go back to my earlier statement,” Pax says, turning back to the TV.
“Which one?” Tabatha asks.
“That Bill is a (BLEEP) idiot,” Pax replies.
