Page 4 of How to Ruin Your Ex's Wedding
TABATHA VOICEOVER: You mean, like, from the show? Or from Pax?
PRODUCER VOICEOVER: Maybe both. I’m worried about you Tabatha. If this were my guy, I’d definitely be doing something to teach him a lesson. But that’s just me. What do you think you should do? I hate to see you crying all the time.
TABATHA VOICEOVER: What would you do to teach your guy a lesson.(SNIFFLES)
PRODUCER VOICEOVER: Well, first, I’d be throwing him to the curb. No one, and I do mean no one, ignores me for days, doesn’t come home till late,andsacrifices me to zombies without some sort of payback.
ANNOUNCER VOICEOVER: Taking the producer’s advice to heart, Tabatha throws Pax out of the house, thereby teaching him the most important lesson of all: you don’t sacrifice the ones you love. She starts by changing the locks on their coastal townhome, and then sets out to toss all his belongings onto the front lawn, in no particular order of importance. Which is what Pax arrives home to a short time later.
“Tabatha Baldwin! What in the ever-loving hell are you doing?” Pax yells.
PAX VOICEOVER: I have flowers for her. An apology for my part in our fighting all week. I don’t want to argue any more. I miss my wife. That is until I see she’s tossing all my things to the front yard.
“Are these my clothes on the front lawn?” Pax shouts. His handsome face is red with fury.
“Do they look like your clothes?” Tabatha yells back. She turns to the closet to grab another armful of Pax’s things and toss them out.
“Yes! You mind explaining?” Pax’s voice bellows through the courtyard where they live.
PAX VOICEOVER: Of course I forget the (BLEEP) flowers in my car. Not that they would have made a difference at this point.
Tabatha leans against the window sill and looks down at her nails. “I do mind, actually. I’m busy right now.”
Pax audibly growls at Tabatha, throws his hands up in the air, and turns in a circle.
Tabatha smiles.
“Well, jeez, sweetheart, do you think you could speed things up a bit, then? I mean, (BLEEP), if you’re kicking me out I’m going have to pack my things in my car, find a place to stay, unpack everything . . . it’s going to be a busy evening for me,” Pax yells to her.
“Don’t you dare make fun of this, Paxton!”
“Oh, dragging out my full name, Tabs?” He sneers. “You sound just like my mother.”
Tabatha narrows her eyes at Pax.
“Hey, whaddya know,” Pax says. “Now you look like my mother too.”
Tabatha’s eyes widen.
TABATHA VOICEOVER: He did not just say that. Did he? Comparing me to his mother in any manner is not a compliment. But saying that I look like her is unforgivable.
“And you wonder why I’m doing this, when you say things like that.” Tabatha rolls her eyes and drops a few more items at Pax’s feet—toothbrush, electric razor, framed picture of his dog from when he was a kid.
“It’s not like I’m surprised,” Pax says as he walks around, picking up things. “It’s only, what? The most dramatic thing you could come up with? Besides, you’ve threatened to kick me out before, the only difference now being you’re actually trying to do it.”
“It’s so typical of you to throw something like that back in my face later. Maybe if you weren’t such an (BLEEP) all the time, I wouldn’t be kicking you out,” Tabatha yells.
“I didn’t even do anything!”
“Exactly! You had the opportunity to do the right thing and chose not to. Not saving me from the zombies? Not okay, Pax. Now I’m forced to be the bad guy once again by taking a stance. So, here’s three pairs of shoes and some jeans. I hope you and the zombies enjoy them!”
“Hey,” Pax calls out to her.
“What?” Tabatha leans out the window.
“You mind unlocking the front door so we can talk about this?”
“Oh no.” Tabatha opens her mouth, covers it with her fingers, and blinks rapidly. “Can’t you get in the house?”
