Page 5 of How to Ruin Your Ex's Wedding
“My key won’t work.”
“Hmm, pity.”
TABATHA VOICEOVER: I break his golf clubs next, dropping them one by one out the window. Which probably won’t even bother him much. Except, they were a gift from his best friend, Gregor, to try and get him to pick up the game.
Tabatha leans her head out the window. “And let me tell you, it is much harder to break a golf club in reality than it looks on TV.”
“You really want to be divorced before we’ve even been married a year?” Pax asks before she has a chance to duck away again.
“Damn right, I do!” Tabatha screams. “I can’t stay married to you for a second longer!” She slams the window.
“Tabs!” Pax yells at the closed window. Tabatha does not return. Pax picks up a small rock and tosses it at the window. “Tabatha!” he yells again. “I know dramatic is your second language, but you better be serious about this.”
Nothing happens.
PAX VOICEOVER: She had the locks changed; I can tell by the shiny new deadbolt. So, I ring the doorbell, holding my finger against it and letting it ring repeatedly and wait to see what she does next.
Tabatha opens the upstairs window a moment later and leans out.
“What do you want?”
“I’d like to come in my house.”
“No.” Tabatha looks down at Pax. “And it’s not your house anymore. I’m kicking you out.”
“Tabatha, (BLEEP), I’m not playing games.”
“Neither am I, Pax.”
“Is this still because of the (BLEEP) zombie fight?”
“Among other things, yes.” Tabatha crosses her arms over her chest, her face immobile and pert nose pointed in the air.
PAX VOICEOVER: I’d like to punch that nose; you know, if I were the kind of guy to actually hit a woman. But I’m not; doesn’t mean I don’t fantasize about it just a bit sometimes where Tabs is concerned. That and booting her luscious little (BLEEP) right off the edge of a big cliff and wait for her tosplatat the bottom. Oh, sorry, that’s a little graphic isn’t it? Let’s switch that to dead. Sometimes I fantasize what it would be like if she were dead.
“Un-(BLEEP)-believable,” Pax says.
“Yes, it is.” Tabatha resumes throwing Pax’s belongings out the window. Hair products, shower gel, razor blades, clothes, jackets.
PAX VOICEOVER: At this point, I’m just happy she hasn’t gotten to any of my camera equipment. So, I breathe easy, you know? That is, until she dangles a camera bag out the window. And it’s the Hasselblad bag.
“I swear to god, Tabatha. If you drop that and it breaks. I will never forgive you,” Pax yells.
Tabatha looks at the bag. Then Pax. Then the bag again.
And drops it.
“Nooo!” Pax dives toward the bag, and barely misses catching it. The bag lands on a pile of clothes. Pax takes it in his arms, cradling the bag like a baby. He opens the bag to find it empty. “Thank god,” he mutters to himself. “I didn’t think she would stoop that low.”
PAX VOICEOVER: I swear, it’s like my life flashed before my eyes as I was going for it. The most horrific thing I’ve ever experienced by far. Even though camera bags are heavily padded, I never take chances with my cameras.
“Catch,” Tabatha calls from above.
Pax looks up.
Tabatha tosses the camera.
PAX VOICEOVER: But I was wrong. She would go lower than that low. I watched like a movie in slow motion as her fingers opened from where they held the strap and the camera started to fall through the air. I couldn’t move fast enough to get the camera. It landed on the edge of the concrete. And in a matter of seconds, it went from one whole, to hundreds of tiny pieces bouncing along the walkway. Even if I had one hundred years, I couldn’t put it back together again.
