Page 73 of Love Resurrected
My chest feels heavy as I digest his words. Logically, I know that what he’s saying is correct. Emotionally, I feel like I’m drowning. I put my beer down on the side table and sit on the edge of my couch, burying my head in my hand. I’ve long since gotten over the embarrassment of crying in front of Ethan, or anyone, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still want tofeelalone when I do it.
A sob escapes me as the couch dips and Ethan sits beside me. He puts an arm around my shoulder and pulls me into him slightly.
“Fuck.” I wipe my nose on my sleeve and try to get myself together before I go off the deep end. “I don’t know how to do this without her, man. And it’s not getting any easier. If anything, it’s worse than it was when she first died. And the more I think about trying to be with someone else, the more Kat sticks in my head. In my heart.”
“I won’t pretend to know how you’re feeling,” Ethan says. “And I am so fucking sorry she’s gone. There isn’t a person around who knew her whodoesn’tmiss her.”
I cough-sob at that but pretend it’s just a cough. Ethan pretends with me.
“Her last words, Brad, literally her last words, were telling you to be happy. To find your happily ever after. I’m not saying that Tenley is that. But Iamsaying that you have to be open to it, ready for it.”
“I’m not ready.”
“When will you be?”
I shrug.
“So, all the people who love you are just supposed to sit back and let you wallow?”
I shrug again, because I don’t really care what they think or want. I only care about me.
“What about the fucking promises thatwemade to her, man? Wealllost her, not just you. What about her final words tous? Are we supposed to disgrace her memory by ignoring her wishes, and just let you continue to be a self-centered, self-righteous prick?”
“You lost a friend, Ethan. I lost thelove of my life!” I jump up from the couch as I yell, my chest heaving, tears streaming.
“I know you did.” He stands beside me and reaches out to place a hand on my shoulder, but I shake it off. He repeats the gesture with the other hand on my other shoulder. “I don’t know how to stop that hurt for you. Wish I did. What Idoknow is, whether or not we like it, whether or not we want it to, life goes on.”
I grab my beer and sit back down with a huff. These talks are so fucking draining. Ethan grabs his beer; hopefully he’s finished.
“What’s the plan, Brad?”
Apparently not.
“With what?” I ask.
“You’ve already tanked your career. You are renting the beach house for half of what it’s worth. You’ve let your landscaping here go to shit.” He motions out the front window toward my lawn. He’s wrong about that. I’ve been working on it. You just can’t always tell.
“So, I ask again,” Ethan says. “What’s the plan?”
“I don’t have a plan.”
“No shit.”
“Look, I tried. What more do you want?”
“Are you okay with this being your life, Brad?”
“Would you get off my fucking back about it? It is what it is, right?”
“Right. Yeah, fine. I’ll leave you alone about it.Sorry, Kat! I tried.” He yells the last part, as though talking to her from another room. He packs up the wall patching supplies he brought with him, then finishes his beer and brings the empty bottle to the kitchen. “You gonna be okay today? With your hand and all?”
“I’m good, man. Thanks.”
“Okay, well Sadie and I both have the day free so I’m going to go take full advantage.”
“Yep. See ya.”
With that, he’s gone, and I’m left once again to wallow in my perpetuated misery by myself. Just the way I like it.
