Page 78 of Love Resurrected
I slow as I reach her. “Hey, thanks for stopping. I just wanted to apologize for last night.”
“Okay.”
“For running out on you like that.”
She nods.
I take a deep breath and be brave. “That was my first time, after . . . Kat.”
She stands there, watching me, but saying nothing.
“And, I kind of freaked the fuck out.”
“Okay.”
“Are we good?”
“Good?”
“I just don’t want there to be any weirdness between us, you know?”
“Weirdness?” She jerks her head back, shaking it slightly, and her eyes widen. “Why would there be weirdness.” She waves an arm in the air dismissively. “Nah. We’re fine. No biggie. Truly.”
“No biggie?” I’m a little surprised by her flippancy, even though it’s the exact reaction I wanted.
“Yep. Of course. I mean, there was some chemistry between us, but we got it out of our systems, and now we’re good to go.”
Relief floods through me. Apparently, she gets it. I thought I would have to deal with my feelingsandhers. Instead, I can focus on me and wrapping my head around what I’ve done.
“Okay, good. Great. Thank you.” I lean in and give her a quick one-armed hug. “So, I’ll see you later this week to work on the recruitment fair?”
“I’ll be there.” She smiles and sits down into her car.
“Cool,” I say lamely.
“Cool. See ya!” She shuts her car door and starts the engine, and I turn to walk back into the pharmacy before she drives away. That was much easier than I expected, though, I know Tenley’s reaction helped to make it so. I did not expect that she would be so casual about everything. It kind of bugs me a little bit. But my relief over this not becoming athingfar overshadows that feeling.
Because I am not ready to deal with any kinds ofthingswhere women are concerned. I don’t see how I ever can be. But, if I think back to my conversations with Nessa, Remi, and Andy, they all would lead me to believe that it’s not only possible, but likely, to have a life after death. Nessa was able to after her husband, William passed. Andy seems to be doing it now. And Remi swears it’s the right thing for me to do, for me and for Kat. I keep that thought at the forefront of my mind. Not for now, but definitely for someday.
* * *
My hand is throbbing by the time I get home, so I grab a bottled water, two of the painkillers, and crash on the couch. I am tempted to drink beer all day, but I know that will throw me in to a bit of a tailspin. I want to stay as clear-headed as possible and work though the demons in my mind. Not for any other reason than my sanity. I’m still not interested in another relationship, but I would like to stop feeling so sad and angry all the time.
On some level, I’d like to be a decent godparent to Ethan and Sadie’s kid, and play more of a role in my other friends’ lives. They’ve all kept living their lives, while I stood still, and I’ve missed so much already. I don’t want them to feel like they have to take care of me, but I want to make sure they know I’m here for them. I don’t want anyone to take care of me. One, I don’t think there’s anything to care for. And two, I can’t stand to be a burden. I know they all worried about me after Kat passed, and they probably still do.
Shit,Istill worry about me, which makes it way past time for me to prove that I’ve got this. After which, they can stop pressuring me about another relationship. If I’m doing good, then they can’t expect me to change.
I hope.
27
Tenley
I can’t believe I said no biggie. What kind of idiot am I? It’s notno biggie,far from it. But, in my defense, what else could I have said?Hey, yeah, you freaking out really shook me because I think I want something more from this. Definitely something more than you can give. I was just pretending that I didn’t. Trying to be easy-breezy. So, how about it, Brad?I could follow that up with,Although, maybe I’m just feeling left out of Sadie’s life and I want to be in a relationship so I can catch up to her, and anyone will do. But, no worries, I’m sure I’ll figure it out.
It’s been three days and I’m still beating myself up over it. I’m so wishy-washy with my feelings. One day I want him, the next day I don’t. One minute I want something more, the next minute I’m telling him sex was no biggie.
We are all meeting at the fire station today; I guess Brad is back to work part-time, even with a broken hand. It’s the first time we’ll see each other since my no biggiecomment.
