Page 97 of Love Resurrected
“He came back?”
I nod, a grim smile on my face.
“I don’t claim to know everything about moving on after the death of a spouse—”
“They weren’t married.”
“I know. But, Tenley, don’t kid yourself with that just because there wasn’t a ceremony. For all intents and purposes, they were married.”
My heart sinks to my stomach and I look to my lap. This conversation is not going how I wanted it to. How did I get so caught up in this so quickly? I don’t even want a relationship. I don’t believe in marriage. Why is it so important to me to that something happen with Brad? It’s not just the sex. I’ve had sex with plenty of guys I wasn’t attached to and didn’t get attached to.
“I know,” I tell her, looking back up and meeting her gaze. “I want a guarantee I’m not going to be hurt. But it’s too late, I’m already sunk deep in this. I don’t even know how it happened. I know, you can’t predict the future, I get it. I’m just . . . I don’t know. I’m feeling unsettled and I don’t want to be.”
“Tenley, why does this have to be left up to Bradley? Can’t you just decide what you want and act accordingly?”
“Well, it’s kinda hard to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.” I laugh, but it’s short.
“You deciding about your life doesn’t mean that it will happen. It just means that you’ve cleared it in your own mind.”
“What do you mean?” I think I know what she means, but I’m being obtuse, and I’d like for her to spell it out for me.
“You want to be with Bradley—”
“I think.”
“Oh, you do.” She laughs.
I don’t laugh with her.
“So, you get to make that decision for yourself. It doesn’t matter what Bradley decides.”
“What if he doesn’t want the same thing?”
“Then you move on.”
“Ha. Isn’t that the whole point of all of this? Peoplenotbeing able to move on.”
“My point is, you wanting to be with Bradley is not dependent upon him wanting to be with you.”
I start to interrupt, but she holds up her hand to stop me.
“The actuality of it is,” she continues, “the conflict you’re feeling is because you don’t want to make a final decision on your feelings. For fear of them not being returned. That way you think you avoid being hurt. But you don’t avoid it because you’re hurting now.”
So, she meant what I thought she meant. Sometimes I hate emotionally smart people who can figure shit out and turn it back on you.
“So, you’re saying that’s it? Just decide and move on?”
“Yes, move forward or move on. It’s always a choice, Tenley. Every day is a choice.”
“Okay.” I take a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“Now, shall we check some items off our list?” Nessa smiles as she asks.
“Yes, we shall.” I smile back, knowing I probably won’t follow her advice, because it’s too pragmatic and mature, but wishing I was a person who would all the same. Then I laugh at myself, because apparently all I have to do is make a choice to be that person.
If only it were that easy.
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