Page 86 of Afternoon Delight
“Wine? Red?” I suggested.
“Sure.”
The server walked away.
“So. Erica was here. You know that.”
“Roddie texted me.” I busied myself pretending the cutlery needed straightening. My stomach was full of acid.
“I wasn’t expecting her.” Zak ran a hand over his beard. “She came for a job interview and stopped in to talk. I didn’t want to be an asshole, so I bought her a coffee, but I feel like one anyway.” His mouth twisted.
“Why? We’re fine. Even if you’ve decided to get back together with her, you and I are fine.” Just tell me.
“We’re not getting back together.” His sharp blue gaze pierced mine before he looked away. “But are you so used to being treated like shit that you’d say it’s fine if I did?”
“Ouch.” I scowled. “Where did that come from?”
“Everything you’ve ever said about your marriage? When I got back to the shop, Roddie said to me, ‘You know my dad cheated on her twice? That we know of.’ Christ, Meg. I know you’re not mad at your ex because you don’t fucking care about him anymore, but I’d rather you were a little pissed with me.” He gave the back of his neck a disgruntled squeeze. “So I know I matter.”
Our wine arrived, giving me a few seconds to react while we ordered crab cakes and ravioli.
“She’s very pretty,” I said once we were alone again. “Young.” Fertile.
“Oh, fuck off. You’re not old.” Zak sipped and studied me, still radiating charged energy. Then he scowled and looked away. “I don’t mean to keep swearing at you. I’ll stop.”
“Are you really upset that I’m not in a jealous rage? Or is something else bothering you?”
He seemed to chew his own teeth while he considered his words.
“She floated the idea of getting back together,” he admitted. “When I left Vancouver, it was an all-hands situation with Dad. Zara was at the end of her rope. I didn’t give Erica a lot of warning—just told her I needed to do this and didn’t know when I’d be back. She didn’t want to quit her job and take her chances with what she might find here, so we took a break. I was hurt that she didn’t want to come with me, but I understood. And I’ve come to see that Dad was a convenient excuse. We were never strong enough to stay together.”
“She feels differently?” I asked.
“I guess.” He rubbed his beard again. “She said she’s been watching for something to come up here and that the interview went well. She wanted to see what I thought about her moving so we could keep seeing each other. What’s that face for?” he added, catching my expression.
I straightened it. “I don’t know. It sounds like she made sure she was interested in the job before she told you she was in town. That doesn’t scream I can’t live without this guy.”
“I know, but...” He looked like he was going to scrub his beard right off. “Maybe she wanted to see how things were with Dad. She’s a nurse. She has a better understanding of what we’re in for than we do. I think she was worried that if she came with me without her own life in place, I’d shift all of Dad’s care onto her.”
Been there, I thought.
“Anyway, I told her to take the job if she wanted it, but not to do it for me because I don’t have room in my life for a relationship. Then Ali brought your muffin and said, ‘Is that for Meg?’ and Erica said, ‘Who’s Meg?’ Ali looked like she’d stepped in shit, and all I could think was that you would be gutting yourself over how awkward it was.”
I bit my lips, nostrils flaring as I fought a bubble of laughter.
Our crab cakes arrived. Zak’s must have been made of sawdust because he looked disgusted with his.
“I don’t have anything in the tank for anyone but Dad,” he said in a low voice, poking at his food. “I’m exhausted. Just leaving him with Roddie while I was across the street with Erica stressed me out. I’m not a catch, Meg. You’re starting fresh and you want to build a life that works for you. I know that. You deserve that. But that’s why I’m angry. I’m really fucking lonely, and that made the idea of getting back with Erica tempting for a short minute. It would be comfortable, you know?” His gaze came up, shadowed with compunction. “But I don’t want to be with Erica. I want to be with you. Which doesn’t feel possible. That makes me sad.”
“Oh, Zak.” I pushed my plate and the candle to the side and offered my hands.
He moved his plate and pinched my fingers in his tight grip.
“I married Joel because I was pregnant with Shelby. I moved to Montreal because that’s where he was going to school. I stayed with him when he cheated because I’d just had Roddie. I’ve made a lot of concessions in my life for other people. I can’t move back here for you. Or even for Mom. It needs to be something that I want. And I don’t know what I want.”
“It’s not me, it’s you. I know.” He was aiming for a light tone, but his voice cracked, and there was injury in his eyes.
“I need to ask you something.” I squeezed his hands. “No, I need to tell you something. I’m never having another baby. I’m sure as hell not going through all the treatment I’d probably need to get pregnant at this age. I have no plans to be the parent of any kids except the two I’ve already got. I’m sure you and Erica were planning to have kids, though. Weren’t you?”
