Page 87 of Afternoon Delight
“That was before Dad,” he said firmly. “Kids are the last thing on my mind right now.”
“Understandable, but you have lots of time to change your mind. And you can’t keep your own life on hold indefinitely.” I gently pulled my hands from his, trying not to let the compression in my heart show on my face. “At some point, you’re going to realize that and start moving forward again. If you want kids, you need to be with someone who wants to start a family. I don’t.”
He shook his head, mouth flat.
“Zak.” Now I was a little angry. I clenched my hands in my lap, nails digging into my skin. “I can’t be complacent about this. My ex-husband blew up the family we had by starting a new one with someone else. A family I had fought and sacrificed for. I put a brave face on it, but he threw me away for a baby he didn’t even want. Do you really think I’m prepared to go all-in with you, knowing that deep down you do want a baby? I can’t.”
Zak would be a more hands-on dad than Joel ever tried to be. I could tell, but I couldn’t go back to midnight feedings and living my life by the needs of my child. I just couldn’t.
“And fuck you for making me think I should,” I said with soft anguish, unable to hold it back. “I was really hurt when I saw you go across the street with her. Not because I thought you were throwing me over, but because you two looked so good together. You looked right. Maybe I’m not old, but we’re at completely different life stages. I’m mad that you’re tempting me to fall back into all my most self-eroding habits, just so we can be together.” I shifted the heels of my palms into my eye sockets. It was my fatal weakness that I wanted to be whatever he needed: vessel, therapist, and instrument of comfort.
“Meg.” He touched my shoulder.
I lifted my head to see he was standing next to me.
“Did I make you cry? I didn’t mean to. C’mere.”
He opened his arms.
Somehow, I was standing and letting him gather me against his big body where I felt very sheltered.
I was aware that people were probably staring, but I kept my face hidden in Zak’s warm, hard chest. I tried not to sniffle because I’d cried enough over Joel, but I was deep in the ache of loss. It wasn’t only the future I’d planned with Joel that was gone, but the memories that had become tainted once I realized how little he’d valued them. It was the thousands of opportunities I’d missed when I could have made different choices that benefited me—choices that would have meant I’d be somewhere else entirely right now.
Zak’s hand tracked up and down my spine, soothing.
But this was exactly where I wanted to be, I acknowledged. If all of those other things had had to happen to bring me to this point, maybe that was okay.
The ache in my chest altered, still there, but shifting into something I could bear.
“I’m not crying,” I said, drawing back a little. “I’m just feeling sorry for myself.”
“You throw a truly pitiful pity party. No balloons. No clowns.”
“Just you.” I poked his chest, but he firmed his hold, trapping my arm between us.
We were both fighting our unsteady emotions with a wavering smile.
“I know you have to protect yourself, Meg. I want you to.” His brow furrowed with agony. “Otherwise, I will take everything you’re willing to give me.” He cupped the side of my neck in his hand and touched his lips to my forehead. “Thank you for pretending to be devastated about Erica. I needed that.”
I wasn’t pretending. We both knew that.
He held my chair.
I sat and looked at his self-deprecating expression as he settled across from me.
“How much time do you have?” I asked. “Do you want to finish dinner or go somewhere for make-up sex?”
“Check!” he shouted, silencing the entire restaurant.
I hid my eyes behind my hand, shoulders shaking with laughter.
Chapter 48
Meg
We walked to the nearest hotel so we didn’t have to move our cars. It was a five-star place with a four-poster king-size bed and a balcony overlooking the harbor. I wanted to stay the weekend, or at least the night, but he only had an hour. He even set his phone alarm in case we fell asleep.
“You can stay,” he said, peeling off his shirt. “One of us should use it for the night.”
