Page 83 of Stripping the Sub
“Ell-“
Kate and Sharon’s voices overlapped each other as they both started to protest, both cut off abruptly at Olivia’s sharp “Hush.”
She curled up even more in Andrew’s hold, wishing she could just disappear. Even though he was warm, even though his arms were around her, she felt so small and insignificant. She knew what Kate and Sharon were going to say. That she was fine, she wasn’t undeserving, she was just as good as Michael… that was just the kind of people - the kind of friends - they were. But they didn’t know. They couldn’t see how broken she was inside.
“I don’t think I asked what you deserved,” Andrew said, his tone deceptively casual. “I asked what Michael deserved and you said everything. Then I asked why you aren’t giving it to him. Because whether or not you feel you deserve him, Michael wants you.”
Wants.
As in the present.
As in still wants?
Andrew’s voice gentled. Softened. “Although, Ellie, you should know you absolutely do deserve Michael. You’re a beautiful person, inside and out, and you deserve to be happy. You’re not like me. I’m a selfish bastard because I absolutely do not deserve Kate, but I got her anyway, because I’m a selfish bastard who doesn’t care that I don’t deserve her. She makes me happy, so I went after her anyway.”
To her own surprise, Ellie giggled. She opened her eyes, which were just a little teary, and pressed her fingers to Andrew’s chest before reaching down to take Kate’s hand. Blue eyes full of worry, Kate smiled at her encouragingly. Behind her, Sharon’s mouth was set in a line, her dark eyes just as worried as Kate’s.
“I think you deserve Kate,” Ellie said softly, smiling down at the blonde woman. “Although I’m not sure I deserve either of you as friends.”
“Is there anyone you do think you deserve?” Sharon asked, throwing her hands up in the air in exasperation.
Ellie’s mouth opened and closed. Her insides seemed to wither again. Was there anyone she really felt she deserved in her life? That she deserved as her friend? She was so grateful to the friends she’d made at Stronghold… she’d always been surprised and amazed they wanted to hang out with her – they insisted on it actually. She’d always wondered why. Did she really think so little of herself that she wasn’t even sure she deserved her friends?
She was more messed up than she’d realized.
“Hey, heeeeeeeeey.” Sharon pointed at her, frowning fiercely. “Stop thinking, right now. I can literally see you doubting yourself. I’m going to tell you right now, you absolutely deserve us.”
“I’m not sure she deserves you,” Kate said rolling her eyes, but she said it in the opposite way that Ellie felt - implying Ellie was too good for Sharon. “Definitely the rest of us though.”
“Well her deserve-meter is obviously broken,” Sharon said blithely, completely ignoring Kate. Ellie wished she had that kind of self-assurance. Sharon gave Ellie a mock-stern look. “You’re going to have to use ours from now on and we’ll tell you what you deserve.”
A rumble of amusement vibrated through Andrew’s chest. “Don’t you think we should let Ellie figure out for herself that she deserves more than she thinks?”
“She can figure it out for herself, but until she does, she can listen to us,” Sharon said. She looked at Ellie again. “And you deserve Michael. Although he doesn’t deserve to have you just ghost on him. At the very least, you should talk to him.”
Well that was true. Ellie’s heart clenched at the idea of having to face him, knowing he knew everything now.
“He’s really broken up,” Kate said squeezing Ellie’s hand. “We’ve told him not to blame himself, but he’s feeling really guilty about abandoning you in high school, and then pushing you too fast now.”
He had pushed her kind of fast but he shouldn’t be feeling guilty about pushing her… she could have told him no or to back off at any time and he would have listened.
She could have told him no or to back off at any time and he would have listened.
Instead she’d just walled him out. Pushed him away. Cut everything off without even trying.
She’d really messed up, but not in the way she’d initially thought. She hadn’t meant to lay it all on him. Or make him feel guilty or like she blamed him. Part of her wanted to spiral into self-recriminationagain, but she’d already been doing that, and it hadn’t helped - it had just left Michael feeling broken up… for days…
Andrew’s hand came down on her ass, hard enough to knock her out of the guilt spiral she’d been about to descend into.
“He was at the club tonight, hoping you’d show up.”
“He was?” Strange, that tiny bit of hope lighting up inside of her. She still felt like she didn’t deserve him, but she wanted him.
Sharon was right though, he definitely didn’t deserve the way she’d treated him this week. She at least needed to undo the harm she’d done, make sure he knew she didn’t blame him – had never blamed him. Giving him what he apparently wanted might be a little harder.
Movement across the room made her jump. Crap. Olivia was standing up. Then Ellie saw the Domme’s face and the soft smile there. “I can see I won’t be needed here. Ellie, don’t short yourself. You deserve everything you want too. And since Michael and you both want each other, that should work out nicely.”
With that statement and a quick nod for everyone, Olivia strode to the front door and left, closing it firmly behind her.
