Page 19 of Let the Game Begin
I should have regretted what we’d just done, but I didn’t. For me, it had become a game. A game of strategy that I had to win at all costs. It was a bet I was making, between me and life itself.
Selene didn’t yet know just how profoundly I deviated from the norm, and she never would have understood.
Suddenly, Chloe’s voice saying that idiot Carter’s name, shook me out of my twisted thoughts.
“Have I mentioned that I hate that guy?” Logan hissed through gritted teeth, and I found myself in perfect agreement with him. Carter Nelson, Bryan’s younger brother, was neither a trustworthy nor respectful boy, contrary to what Chloe believed. I knew him, and he didn’t have a goodreputation. He treated women like playthings, and I didn’t understand how Chloe could talk about him like he was Prince Charming straight out of some fucking fairy tale.
“Our little sister is too blinded by the illusion of love to see what an asshole he is,” I blurted out, never considering her feelings. I was used to saying whatever I thought and wasn’t about to start holding back then.
“What? Do you think he’s like you?” she challenged me. Yes, I did think that. Carterwaslike me. Although I didn’t have room to judge his attitude toward women in general, I did have a right to protect my little sister from guys like him. Guys like me.
“We’re your brothers; we just want you to be careful,” Logan cut in, but Chloe had inherited all the same bullheaded obstinacy that I had. It was no coincidence that we argued constantly.
“You’re a deluded kid who understands fuck all about real life,” I added testily. Losing control like that was easily one of my worst flaws. I reacted instinctively, often insensitively. I realized much too late how my words might have landed for a young girl still not fully capable of identifying the dangers around her.
Chloe threw her cutlery furiously onto her plate. “Becauseyouunderstand anything about life? Do some self-reflection. You don’t even know what it means to love another person. Do you think it’s right? Sleeping with all these women and lying to them like you did with Scarlett?”
My reaction was instantaneous: I was suffocating. Scarlett was a difficult chapter in my history. I hated talking about her; I hated remembering her, and I hated even hearing her name. I stood up so furiously that my chair tumbled to the floor. My mother shot me a pleading look, begging me not to make one of my typical scenes. The ones to which my family had now become so accustomed.
My family, yes. But not Selene.
I met her crystalline stare and saw fear and confusion there, the same feelings I inspired in anyone who met my grimy little world. Anyone in my vicinity had to deal with it: what I was, what had happened to me, and what it had made me into.
For a fleeting moment, I regretted kissing her. I shouldn’t have drawnher into my problems, no matter how much I liked the sweet taste of her on my tongue. And so began the eternal struggle within me that would only ever tear me up even more.
I was anxious. I felt like breaking something, the way I always did when my higher intellect went out the window and gave way to the other side of me—the hair-trigger, intractable side. I stepped back from the table and did what I did best: I hid away from the world.
I talked instead to the monsters that lived inside my head. Sometimes, I thought they were the only ones who could understand me. I relived the past in search of the Boy I had been, and when I found him, I fought him. I loathed him, I tried to block him out, but I always emerged defeated.
The Boy remained. He lived inside me. He was in the innermost chamber of my soul, and he was never, ever going to leave.
5
Selene
I stared at my reflection in the mirror as I gathered my hair into a messy bun. I’d done nothing but think back on that kiss from the previous day. Neil’s lips against mine; our bodies fused together in that pool. I’d never encountered feelings like that before…so all-encompassing.
While I hadn’t technically cheated on Jared, I had betrayed myself, the Selene who never would have even thought about another boy like that, who would never have let Jared down or given into that kind of base temptation. The awareness of what I had done took hold of me, painful and oppressive.
What is happening to me?
I’d known that Neil had an uncontrollable power over me, but I still couldn’t understand my total inability to resist him.
Sighing, I tugged on a pair of light-washed jeans and a gray sweatshirt. I grabbed my messenger bag and immediately felt my phone vibrating. I glanced at the screen: it was Jared. My heart leaped into my throat, and I nearly stopped breathing. What was I supposed to say to him?
I tried to tamp down my panic and took a deep breath.
“Hey?” I answered after a few rings.
“Baby, how are you?”
Awful, but I couldn’t tell him that. Hearing his voice only intensified my guilt.
“Well, I’m about to go to campus with Logan. What are you doing?” I asked him while I balanced on one leg to put on my shoes.
“I just finished my first class today, so I thought I’d take the opportunity to catch up with you. I’ve missed you,” he told me lovingly, and I decided that I needed to clarify things for myself. That kind of behavior wasn’t like me; I couldn’t live peacefully with this. I felt soiled, contaminated by some awful thing.
“I’m glad to hear from you, but I have to get going because I’m already late,” I said all in one breath, deciding to cut off the conversation before I started crying. I couldn’t freak Jared out; I needed to talk to him about this in person.
