Page 94 of Let the Game Begin
“Was?” A frown line appeared in the middle of his forehead; he was puzzling something out.
“Yup, that’s right. Right up until one fine day when my psychiatrist told me I was completely cured,” I lied, taking the unlit cig between my middle and index fingers and stretching my arm out along the side of the sofa. I couldn’t wait to get out of there and smoke in peace.
“That’s what he said? That you were ‘cured’?” He gave me a small smile that I couldn’t quite decipher, and I sat up straighter.
“That’s what he said,” I confirmed mockingly.
What the fuck did this guy want?
I didn’t give a shit about his role at the clinic or how he worked with Dr. Lively. He was Megan’s psychiatrist, and that was enough to keep me far away from him.
“Odd. Neither I nor my colleague use the term ‘cure.’” He stressed the last word, still smiling. “And do you know why?” he asked. Rhetorically, I presumed, because he didn’t wait for me to answer. “Because we do not consider you to be sick, nor do we think of your disorders as diseases. That term ‘disease’ can be terribly misleading, don’t you think? We take a different approach. We analyze your behaviors, all the things you say and do, and then we look for a solution together.”
I kept still as I listened to him, focused on his words and the fact that he had lumped me in with the mental patients in his little speech.
“Mydisorder? Don’t include me in that; I don’t have any kind of disorder,” I specified immediately, as though nothing could be more necessary. He gave me that shrink look.
He was analyzing me.
“Denial of a problem is a problem in and of itself.” The confidence and little hint of arrogance that came through in his tone irked me. He thought I was like the rest of them. That I was simple to understand or some lab animal he could use to carry out pharmacological experiments.
“You don’t know me. You know nothing about me.” I took a few steps closer to him, clutching the cigarette between my fingers as I pointed at him.
“Denial of a problemis often the only thing that’s keeping me alive, but you wouldn’t know about that. We’re all the same to you shrinks. Justfucking blobs of neurons you can feed the drugs that give your goddamned profession any scientific legitimacy!” I shouted, not far from his face, but the man remained imperturbable, not remotely upset.
Just then, Dr. Lively opened his office door and started leading Chloe out to me. But he stopped short when he saw what was happening in his waiting room.
“Come on, Chloe. Let’s get out of here,” I ordered her furiously, glancing back and forth between the two psychiatrists who were looking at me like I truly was crazy. I threw my cigarette down and ground it into the freshly waxed floor with the sole of my shoe. Fuck their rules.
Chloe came to me, and I put my arm around her shoulders, guiding her toward the exit. I’d ask her later about how the talk with Dr. Lively went. Just then, I needed to get as far away from that clinic—and those men—as possible.
23
Selene
“So you’re into music?”
I was furthering my acquaintance with Kyle. I had found out that, in addition to being very intelligent, he was also quite nice to be around. I didn’t have any romantic interest in him, and I wasn’t attracted to him, but I was intrigued by his personality.
“Mostly I like playing guitar, just like Adam and Jake.” He gestured to our friends and praised their talent. I grinned and kept walking with them toward a university cafeteria. My stomach was growling because I had been eating less and less. I regularly skipped dinner with the family at night to avoid my father’s incessant questions about how my stay was going.
What was I supposed to tell him? That I’d been dumb enough to sleep with his girlfriend’s son?
I liked Neil too much, and it was messing with my head. I’d made another dumbass mistake when I let him take me after he’d so presumptuously barged into my room without knocking and found me in the bathroom. He’d done me once right there in front of the sink with his sinful mouth and then again on the bed with his diabolical body.
And it had been just as incredible as it ever was.
Having sex with Neil was like watching a spectacular fireworks display.And then, at the end, there was nothing left behind but a deep, dark sky and few traces of smoke.
I’d tried to talk to him, to keep him from running away, and all I got was a glib, crude response followed by,“It’s just sex. Stop plaguing me with all these questions.”
He couldn’t be much clearer than that. The only thing left for me to do was to ignore him, stop giving in to him when he came around, and try to get back to the old me—the girl from Detroit who was full of principles and never would have thrown her virginity away on a stranger. The one who certainly wouldn’t have let that same stranger continue to visit humiliation after humiliation on her.
But the truth was, Neil wasn’t a stranger anymore. He was an asshole, a selfish prick, and a walking disaster, but not a stranger.
“Hey, there’s steam coming out of your ears.” Alyssa threw her arm around my shoulders and tried to get me to smile. For too long now, I had needed someone to talk to about the things that were weighing on me. But Alyssa was dating Logan, so telling her my giant secret would be inadvisable.
“I have a lot of homework,” I muttered, trying to turn her attention back to classes, subjects we were studying, and upcoming exams.
