Page 85 of Unnatural
“Accept him,” Harper said immediately. “Honor his choices. Don’t presume what’s right for him. He’s had a lifetime of that.”
A leaf floated by on the water, caught in an eddy, swirling in front of where they sat and then moving on. “Don’t treat him like a child,” Autumn clarified.
“Right. And that can be tempting because men who have grown up the way Jak and Sam have didn’t get a childhood. In some respects, they’re incredibly innocent. And in others, they’re very, very jaded.”
Yes, that was an apt way to describe Sam. He was very literal too, which Autumn found charming yet frustrating.That innocence Harper spoke of.
“Even more than that, Autumn, you have to loveallof him. You have to let him know you love and accept every part of who he is. Not everything he’s done—others choreographed that, manipulated, and coerced in horrific ways. But he’s forever changed because of it. And you have to assure him you love him—you want him—for every aspect of himself. He can’t fear you secretly hate a part of who he is, no matter how small, no matter if he’d rid himself of it if he could. It’s there, and you have to love him for it.”
Wow.Autumn took a moment to let Harper’s words penetrate. She sensed deeply the truth in what she’d said. And she could only imagine the things Jak had struggled to accept about how he’d lived, perhaps what he’d done to survive, and how important Harper’s acceptance was to him. Yet while Sam and Jak were similar, the difference was that Jak had grown up almost completely alone. “How did Jak survive the loneliness?” she asked, because while hearing it earlier had broken her heart, she was still amazed that he’d come out of it emotionally intact.
“He found my mother’s teaching notes,” Harper said, shooting Autumn a smile. “It’s a long story that I’ll happily tell you later, but when I was a child, we were in a car crash in the wilderness where Jak grew up. The authorities never found the vehicle, but Jak did. My mother’s notes were in it, and they sustained him in so many important ways.” And though it’d obviously been many years since she’d discovered this fact, her expression still spoke of amazement.Her mother’s teaching notes.
“Sam found my journal when we were only teens,” Autumn murmured. When Harper looked over at her curiously, Autumn explained, “It was just a book of poemsand musings. Some drawings…” She shrugged. “Thoughts and dreams. He memorized it though. Every word. It was taken from him, so he rewrote it for me,” she said, and even she could hear the awe in her voice.Still.It still awed her that he’d read it so many times he’d committed it to memory.
“That was the thing,” Harper murmured, and there was awe in her tone as well.
“The thing?”
“The thing that saved. There has to be athing, Mark says. Or a person. Just one. And he’s right. A miracle.” She grabbed Autumn’s hand and squeezed it. “Your journal kept him sane,” she said. “And it kept him human. It made him ask questions and showed him an alternative to what he was being taught. It opened his heart, and when the heart awakens, the mind will follow. They thought they caged his mind, Autumn, but your journal was an open window. The others didn’t have that. In some ways, you are a god to him. You are the voice in the dark. You are his angel. You arehope.”
“Oh…no, that can’t be true.”I’m so imperfect. Not nearly worthy of that. Not nearly able.“But if it is, I don’t know if I can be that for someone forever.”
“You can’t be,” Harper said. “He has to find hisownvoice, or he won’t survive.”
“How do I help him do that?”
“You already have. Now all you can do is be there for him as he navigates the rest. Jak did, and I’m placing my bets that Sam will as well.”
Autumn turned Harper’s words over in her mind. They simultaneously filled her with hope and apprehension. They brought insecurity too. “Do you think my journal…the words he used to sustain himself…well, that’s why he…”
“Is hungry for you?” Harper laughed. “Anyone can see it in a glance. Men like Jak and Sam are very…forthright in that way. They don’t hide it. They can’t.” She shot Autumn a grin. “No. I’m sure he feels some gratitude and respect for what your mind created that was strong enough to hang on to through whatever suffering he endured. But…you very obviously appeal to him for…other reasons as well. Reasons I don’t think have anything to do with your poetry.”
She grinned again, and Autumn couldn’t help her answering smile.
After a moment though, Harper’s smile dwindled. “He’s hungry for you. And that scares him.”
“Should it scare me too?”
Harper shrugged. “Maybe. You’ll have to decide that. But if you decide it does, you have to let him go.”
Autumn blew out a slow breath. Yes, that truth had been skating at the edge of her mind, and she hadn’t yet acknowledged it because she hadn’t wanted to. But she felt it in her bones. Yet even thethoughtof letting him go made heracheinside.
They were both quiet for another moment, Harper obviously letting her mull that over. It felt like something Autumn needed to do in private though, somewhere she could listen closely to her own heart, so she changed the subject. “You’re obviously close to Agent Gallagher,” she said. “Can we trust him?”
Harper smiled warmly. “Implicitly. We do. He proved himself to us many years ago when he helped rescue Jak and helped him find his place in the world. And he’s been a part of our lives ever since. He’s a grandfather to our son, and”—she patted her stomach—“to this one. And he’s a father figure to us both. He’s a good man, through andthrough. Trust him. I promise. You will not find a better team member.”
Team member.“Thank you. It’s been hard. Only us, facing so much uncertainty alone.” And it’d been wonderful too, in some ways, but Autumn was so incredibly grateful that they had a team to walk with into whatever might be coming next.
“You’re not alone anymore,” Harper said, resting her hand on her shoulder. “We’re only here for a short time, helping you and Sam settle in, offering whatever we can. And then we’ll head back to Montana. But I hope you’ll consider us family and call on us whenever you need to. And if at any point, you want to stay with us, we have more than enough room.”
Relief flowed through Autumn, a feeling of community that she’d felt when she’d first moved in with Bill and met the people of her town. Only she’d been so young then, slower to trust, slower to listen to her gut, skittish in ways she wasn’t now. She stood, reaching out her hand for Harper, who took it and stepped down from the wall, offering the same self-deprecating laugh she had when she’d climbed onto it. “Thank you, Harper. You have no idea how much I needed a friend.”
Harper linked her arm with Autumn’s as they started to walk. “Oh, but I do. I know very well.”
Autumn conceded the point with a smile as they headed back up the stairs toward their men.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
