Page 36 of Frost Like Night
Four years,her heart countered.I’ve waitedforhim for four years.
“Have you . . .” She cleared her throat. “Have you been given a tent yet?”
He shook his head. “I should have asked when I went looking for my children.” He scratched his neck. “I’m not thinking straight at the moment.”
“Who is?” Ceridwen grumbled, and headed into the camp.
Jesse followed a pace behind. “Have you given any consideration to how you’ll use Giselle’s soldiers?”
Ceridwen clenched her hands and shot her words over her shoulder. “Really?Youwant to speak of war?”
“Simply because Ventralli hasn’t seen war in years doesn’t mean I can’t be of service. I spent many nights watching you—”
Ceridwen spun on him. They were outside a tent not far from the exterior circle, one of the many reserved for refugees on their first nights before permanent housing could be arranged. Fabric draped from the pointed roof to the ground, overlapping strands nailed in place to allow breezes to enter while keeping prying eyes out.
“No,” she snapped. “You wouldn’t expect someone to know how to work with glass simply because he watched a glassblower for a few hours, would you? Whatever happens next won’t concern you.” Ceridwen grabbed the tent’s flap and pulled it open. “There should be a cot and a bucket with fresh water—”
“That’s not what I meant.” Jesse’s voice was brittle. “I spent years watching you fight for Summer, so I know whatyouneed. And if you need someone to talk to, I can listen.”
“So can Lekan.”
“Fair point.” Jesse bowed his head. “But I’m . . . here, Cerie.”
She pinned her eyes on the road, one hand wound in the tent flap. This road was darker than most, only a single lantern nearby. It made everything indistinct, the trampled grass and the leaning tents and the sweep of star-speckled sky above.
“Soldiers come by every fifteen minutes,” she said. “Anyof them will be able to help you if you need more—”
“Cerie.”
She dropped the tent flap but couldn’t make her feet move. There were a dozen different things she had to do—plan how to confront the Yakimian soldiers; send people to find news of Jesse’s children, not to mention Meira; figure out what her next step should be. If Meira hadn’t made it out of Ventralli, this war would come down to . . . her.
Jesse was right. She did need to talk to someone—but more than that, she justneededsomeone.
And that more than anything kept her rooted to the ground.
“Cerie.” Jesse said her name again, as if it would mend every wound he had created. “I’m sorry. For Raelyn, for Summer, for . . . you. I’m sorry I hurt you, over and over.” He managed a weak, dying chuckle. “I still don’t understand why you tolerated me for so long.”
Her breath hitched.Me neither.
But every reason was just as branded on her heart as all the pain he had caused. Each scar had a contradictory excuse to match, and she had fallen asleep so many nights counting them all.
I love you because you were the only one who heard me out when I came as a Summerian ambassador to Ventralli, and even though your council denied my country aid, you tried so hard for my people. I love you because you showed the kind of devotion I wish my king did. I love you because you love your children. I love you because you lovethe tradition of wearing masks and all the things your people create.
I love you for the same reason I loved my brother—because I’m weak, too.
“Stop,” Ceridwen croaked.
“I don’t deserve you,” Jesse pressed. “That was why I went along with my mother’s plea to marry Raelyn—I knew I didn’t deserve you, and I thought it would be better for both of us if I married someone else. But you still loved me, even after, and I wanted to be worthy of you, so I kept you because I hoped that I would become the man I was when I was with youalways.”
“Stop,” she said again, louder, and she knew he heard her this time.
“And I’m sorry, Ceridwen.” His voice cracked. “When Raelyn broke my conduit, I didn’t even care about the magic—all I wanted was you. I should have let that want be my guiding light all these years, but I didn’t. I won’t just apologize, though—I’ve said far too much that was empty over the years. The only thing I’ve ever said that truly mattered was that I love you. So I’ll say that every moment of every day as Idothings, not justsaythings, to prove how much I regret not treating you as you deserve. I love you, Ceridwen.I love you.”
Ceridwen wanted to race to her tent and leave him here with his apologies. She wanted to shout at him to stop throwing emotions at her. She wanted far too much, teetered on the edge of a bottomless abyss, one that was blackand putrid with the events of the past few days, and every word Jesse said nudged her closer and closer to falling.
Her brother had died before she’d gotten to say anything real to him. She’d wanted to scream at him about all the horrible things he’d done, about how he was the one who had forced her into a life of being alone. It was his fault—he chose to be her enemy.
She glared at Jesse. “You say thisnow. You needed the end of the world to figure out that I’m worth fighting for.”
