Page 98 of Katabasis
Ramanujan’s Summation. Setiya’s Modifications. Two columns knocked together then in his head; two premises that concluded with his redemption; at that moment, the only valid thing in the world.
First: Alice Law was headed to Hell.
Second: he must go with her.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Why didn’t you ever tell me?” asked Alice.
And Peter gave the only correct answer, which was the true answer, which was just the question flipped. “Why didn’t you ever tellme?”
All this time, thought Alice. All this time they’d both been drowning, and thinking the other was gloating at them from the shore. She remembered that set theory paper; remembered how proudly Professor Grimes had spoken about it.I’m going to revolutionize how they think about categories, he’d told her.This is the closest we’ve ever come to solving Russell’s Paradox. They’re going to be shitting their pants.Never once had he mentioned Peter.
She pushed her palm against her cheek. “I can’t believe it.”
Peter stiffened. “Why not?”
“I’m not calling you a liar,” she said. “I believe you, I’m just—I mean, I can’t imagine why he would need to do that. He’sGrimes, for heaven’s sake—he has a million projects going on all the time, he shouldn’t have tosteal—”
“You’re doing it again,” said Peter.
“Doing what?”
“Valorizing him. Defending him. You always make him out to be this—this great, larger-than-life genius—”
“Well, because hewas—”
“He’s just an asshole, Law.”
“No he isn’t.” Her voice hitched. “Don’t you understand? He can’t have been. Otherwise we let some—somepersonjerk us around.”
“And it makes it better if he was a genius?”
“Not better. But—worth it.” Alice splayed her hands. “Don’t you know what I mean? If there was some method to the madness, then at least—right?”
Peter stared at her a long while, then sighed. “I do, yeah.”
“And because—well, he just didn’t seem all that bad, do you know what I mean? He wasn’t like the rest. A bad actor.”
“I know,” said Peter.
This was how they’d consoled themselves for years. At least Professor Grimes wasn’t like thoseotherprofessors, the toxic ones, the ones who screamed abuses at their lab assistants and called them stupid to their faces, spittle flying out of their mouths. Wasn’t like the anthropology professors who took their students out on field trips in South America and went mad, hurling cups and plates and putting their students’ lives in danger. He wasn’t a bully, wasn’t a tyrant. After all, what all those abuses usually boiled down to was insecurity and incompetence, and Professor Grimes was neither. All he ever did was utter a stern word. He only ever held them to the same exacting standards to which he held himself. Being upset with Grimes was synonymous with being bad at your job. And even now, in the pits of Hell, Alice could not shake the conviction that if she had gotten into a tizzy about it, then it was all her own fault.
“And I just thought, if it wasn’t working for me, then that meant there was something wrong with me,” she said. “After all, you were doing just fine.”
“Funny,” said Peter. “That’s how I felt about you.”
They blinked at one another.
“It’s embarrassing in retrospect,” said Peter. “He was so good at pitting us against each other.”
“It felt like that for you, too?”
She had always assumed theirs was a one-sided rivalry. She was the mess, and Peter Murdoch was the unreachable yardstick; the standard against which she was always measured. Peter could have done this in his sleep. He gave Peter the Cooke, after all; meanwhile poor Alice was so hopelessly behind that she needed an illegal, permanent pentagram to keep pace.
“Oh, yes. Every time.” Peter affected a growl. “‘You haven’t got Alice’s creativity, Alice’s drive. Alice shows up first and leaves last and she’s the only one between you who will get ahead, she’s got what ittakes. Alice is a true scholar. Alice will leave her mark on history, and you will only ever be a dilettante.’”
“He didn’t,” said Alice. Hearing this made her feel better in the stupidest way. “There’s no way he said that.”
