Page 120 of Rising Out of the Darkness
“Breathe, Lena. Deep breaths.” Killian spoke calmly.
I was finally able to take a deep breath. My shoulders sagged at the same time as my head. One tear broke free from my restraints. Ashamed of my show of emotion, my weakness, Irubbed it away. Shaking off their hands, I stepped a few paces away to give myself some space away from them.
“Sorry,” I mumbled. If I could use my dynamis to become invisible at this moment, I would have.
Clara rose from where she had been kneeling with me on the ground, dusting off her skirt. Killian grasped her hand in his, then extended the other towards me. With arms tightly wrapped around my body, I eyed his extended hand with hesitation.
“Come on, Elena, take my hand. Let’s get you both back inside your rooms, where it’s safer.” He wiggled his fingers towards me. With a heavy sigh, I stepped towards them, placing my hand inside his. With a tug, Killian pulled us both into his chest and zephyred us into my room.
“Good night, Lena,” he whispered, then placed a kiss on Clara’s cheek before leaving.
Clara and I slid down into the chairs around the fireplace. Every part of me was laden with exhaustion.
“Lena…” Clara whispered.
“Hmm?” I mumbled, fidgeting with my tunic. I wasn’t sure if I was prepared for whatever conversation we were obviously about to have.
“You want to tell me why you’re so embarrassed about what happened back there?”
“What?” I feigned ignorance. “You mean being caught in the garden alone?”
Clara pursed her lips. “Elena Morrigan…”
This conversation was going to happen, whether I wanted it or not. Massaging my temples, I tried to muster the words.
There were things that I’d carried with me all my life. Things that I’d tucked away, from Bri, my parents, even from myself. Years I’d been shoving away my darkness, but I was exhausted from trying to hold onto everything myself.
As if Clara could hear the struggle in my mind, she spoke softly. “In the garden, I could feel the darkness that festers deep within you, Elena. Honey, it’s time to release it.”
Her eyes pleaded with me to let go. So, I did.
“I suppose the best place to start is at the beginning.”
Clara slid her chair closer to mine so that our knees were now touching. “Go ahead, Lena. I’m right here.”
My trembling hand enveloped hers and squeezed tightly. Sucking in a deep breath, I began unlocking my past, the source of the endless battles I had within my mind.
“Since I’ve been small, I’ve been plagued with vivid dreams. Dreams of wars, battles, loss and pain.” I swallowed, struggling to pace my breathing to remain calm.
“Wars here, in Ehora?”
“At first, I thought so. I thought I recognized our kind, our landscape. However, in each dream I was transported across realms—so many different races and landscapes. There was once even a realm that was entirely made of water. In every battle, we were always fighting against some darkness, something deeply evil.” A shiver ran down my spine as images of the enemy flashed in my mind.
“You said ‘we.’ Who were you with, Lena?”
“In my dreams, there were others, fighting alongside of me, like we were fighting together for a purpose. I could never remember their faces when I awoke. The only part of my dream that was consistent was one voice. She’s the one who always pulled me out of my dreams.”
“So, these dreams, were they the beginning of your fears? The panic attacks?”
“It wasn’t so much the dreams, but the evil that lurked within them. I could never see their faces, as they were always cloaked. However, I could always feel them …smell them. Even now, I feel like the scent is permanently ingrained in my senses. It was what I imagine death smells like—horrid, rotting and full of decay.” I shuddered at the memory.
“Though I couldn’t see their eyes, I could always feel their piercing, cold gazes on me. Any time I was near them, pain radiated throughout me, along with the most unbearable feeling of hopelessness and despair.” Goosebumps spread across my arms. She squeezed my hand tighter, knowing I needed that little push to keep going. “Clara, I know it sounds absurd, but sometimes…”
“Sometimes what, Lena?” she breathed.
“It felt as though they were pulling the life out of me with every dream I had. Like thieves in the night, stealing away my happiness. They attacked every good part about me, going after my very being, until sometimes all that was left when I awoke was fear. Sleeping became something I despised. The idea of being stuck in that darkness the minute I closed my eyes was enough to send my body into a full-blown panic.
“Eventually, that fear spilled over into my waking life. Any time I felt afraid, worried, or like I wasn’t doing enough, that feeling of darkness washed over me. That’s when I became lost in a battle within my own mind.”
