Page 121 of Rising Out of the Darkness
“Why do you suppose you dreamt of wars? Have you always been fearful of it?”
“Never. To be honest, Clara, since arriving here I’ve realized my parents kept many things hidden away from me—to help me, I suppose. I only knew bits and pieces of the past, and we only had vague conversations about the Rebellions. The things I learned most were from talking with the people in my town,or things I stumbled upon in books. The only wars and battles I know are the ones I’ve witnessed in my dreams.”
Warmth spread through our hands, and Clara’s healing dynamis worked hard to help me stay calm. “I’m so sorry, Lena. That’s not all that burdens you though, is it? I can feel that you’re not done sharing yet. There’s something far more painful still trapped deep within you.”
The truth within her observation radiated through me, cracking the lock that had held my darkest secret for years. My dynamis flared, and it was almost as if my body itself was trying to keep me from spilling my darkness into the world.
Piercing pain radiated in my jaw as I tried to will myself to unclench my teeth. Breathing was becoming increasingly more difficult. Each time my lungs tried to fill with air, it was slammed back down by the heavy weight that pressed against my chest.
Clara pulled me closer, willing her healing dynamis to help once again. Her warmth surrounded my body, allowing a break in my clenched teeth. Rocking back and forth, I struggled to force the words out.
“I—I—” My voice trembled as my teeth clattered together. “Gods I don’t think I can do this…”
“Yes, you can, sweet girl. Use that strength you’ve been building each day. Let it out, honey. Let it all out.”
A frustrated growl rumbled, tears now falling like waterfalls as I fought to regain control of my body. When I said these words aloud it would become real, all over again. Shame forced my shoulders down, pushing me further and further down into the darkness. My body tremored uncontrollably.
“Stay with me, Lena.” She brushed her hand over my forehead, sweeping the hair from my face. “Sometimes we have to surrender to the dark in order to be healed by the light.”
A sob tore through me as I gasped for more air to fill my lungs. “I…I did it…I?—”
“You did what, Lena?”
“I k-k-killed her,” I sobbed. “Gods, I killed her.” Tears streamed down my hot face.
“Who, honey?” she whispered, rubbing my palms with her thumbs, and I felt more of her healing dynamis flood through me.
“My mother.”
Clara sucked in a sharp breath.
Something snapped within me the moment the words left my lips. Between sobs, I spilled every detail about that atrocious night. The night that now filled my dreams.
“It was my weakness…my own damn mind paralyzed me, Clara! Fear kept me from saving my mother that night. How pathetic is that? Hells! If I was just normal, she would be right here! She’d still be—alive!”
A faint golden glow hazed over my arms. My dynamis boiled within me as the feeling of hate burned throughout my body. The hate that I held for myself, the overwhelming disgust I felt when I thought about the panic attack that had stopped me from saving the woman who’d protected me my entire life. She’d saved me even in her last moments, and in the end I couldn’t even protect her.
“You want to know what the worst part is?” I sniffled, using my shoulder to wipe away some of the mess I’d made of my face.
Clara nodded, tears falling down her cheeks.
“My father doesn’t even know. Not only am I weak, but I’m a damn coward, Clara. I—I—I couldn’t even admit that I could have saved her. He sent me to s-s-save her, and I let her die, Clara!
“He came rushing into the house that night and fell to his knees at the sight of us. The sound that erupted from my father is something I hope never fills my ears again. It was like something within him broke that night. All because ofmy failure! I shattered my father’s heart…his soul. I destroyed everything that night.”
“Oh, Lena.” Clara pulled me into a deep embrace.
“No!” I screamed, shoving my body away. “I don’t deserve your pity, Clara. The only thing I deserve is your disgust. What I did is unforgivable.”
“Stop!” Clara’s yell broke through my haze, catching me off guard. She slammed her body into mine, caging me within her arms. I squirmed and thrashed against her, trying my best to shove away the comfort that I absolutely did not deserve. For such a small thing, Clara was surprisingly strong.
“You’re right, Elena, what you did was unforgivable,” she whispered, and I was immediately flooded with embarrassment and shame. Her next words floated over my ear, shredding the last of the control I had over my emotions and my dynamis.
“It’s unforgivable, Elena, because there is absolutelynothingto forgive. No one could control the events of that night except fate. You were there with her, Elena, you gave her peace and calm in those final moments, because she knew she wasn’t alone. Nothing about what happened that night is your fault. You need to release that guilt before it consumes you.”
Her words created a fissure in my wall, and I broke down. She rocked me back and forth as my body shook. Time passed until I was finally drained of every emotion, leaving me numb inside her arms. My enervated body slumped into Clara’s hold.
“I just want to be normal,” I breathed. “I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know what the gods were thinking.”
