Page 122 of Rising Out of the Darkness
Both of us sat back on our heels on the floor of my room. Sweeping the tangled mess of my hair behind my ears, she used her sleeve to wipe away the tears from my face. Gathering both of my hands within her own, she pinned me with a hard gaze. “I want you to answer me honestly. What does it mean to be normal, Elena?”
“Well, it means that…it means that you’re?—”
Damn.
Ten minutes ago, I could have answered that question with all the certainty in the world. I would have said, “Normal is the opposite of me. It’s composed, calm, and most of all in control.” However, the more I learned about the struggles this small group of Elysians had endured, I was realizing that wasn’t normal at all. No one had complete control over their lives.
“Exactly. There is no right answer to that question, Lena, because there is no normal. Nothing about living, or our existence, is normal. It’s messy, complicated…” She sighed. “Sometimes it’s so damn painful that some of us feel like they’re too tired to even keep on existing in it.”
Declan. The pull in my chest throbbed at the thought of the man who was becoming such an important part of my life.
Clara’s eyes became glossy and red. “We all fight silent battles every day, whether we admit them or not. What we all need to realize is that those battles were never meant to be fought alone. There may be things that we need to work out within ourselves, such as forgiveness.” My shoulders fell under the scrutiny of her stare. “Even then, we don’t have to do that on our own.”
It had taken me long enough, but I was finally beginning to believe her words.
“Tell me, Lena, can you deny that it feels freeing to finally release the pain that you have been holding within you your entire life? Tell me that you don’t find a sense of comfort knowing that you don’t have to shoulder your secret alone anymore.”
Something had shifted within me tonight. Even though I was still struggling with the guilt and the shame of it all, I did feel like a small part of me had been unlocked. A link of metal hadshattered away from the anchor that lived inside of me, the one that fought to hold me down.
Until I confessed to my father, I feared I’d never be fully healed. If I was honest, it might always be inside of me until I learned how to forgive myself. I yearned for the day when I could finally accept myself, broken parts and all.
A silent moment of empathy passed between us. Words evaded me, so instead I wrapped my arms around her. I might never be able to fully thank her for what she’d done for me tonight, but this was a start.
Clara still trembled in my arms, and I leaned back to get a better view of her face. “What’s wrong, Clara?” I brushed the hair dampened by tears away from her cheek.
“Forgiveness is hard for me as well. Being stuck in the castle, not being able to help my own mother, or Lenora…” Her voice was meek. “Lena, there are people outside the castle walls at this very moment who are dying. I’ve tried every elixir, but all they need is a powerful Healer like me. But they will never get that because I’m too much of a coward to challenge Alaric.” Another sob hiccupped through her. “I’m so ashamed of myself.”
A dangerous combination of sorrow and anger awoke my dynamis once more. I was enraged that this wonderful woman in front of me felt like she was a failure because she couldn’t leave the castle to do what she was meant to do…help others. It wasn’t right, but I was going to change that. I was going to help Clara get closer to forgiving herself in the way she had helped me tonight.
“Let’s go tomorrow,” I said. Her eyes widened, and her body went still. “You, me, and Nayla. We’ll go in the cover of the night.”
“No, Lena. It’s too dangerous. If we were caught—no, we can’t. It’s impossible.”
“Nothing is impossible if you have the will to power through it. We can do this, and we will help those people.”
“B-but…if Alaric or Alastor catches you, your family, your town?—”
“Damn the consequences, Clara,” I said in a bold voice I’d never used before, full of confidence and clarity. “It’s time we start fighting for what is right and use our fear to push us through instead of holding us back. Tomorrow we take back control.”
Chapter 47
Declan
“Brand thinks the mole is hiding in Grinwood?”
Confusion was etched in Warren’s brows when I shrugged my shoulders in response. We ruminated over the intel that Brand had just given us as I paced the squeaky floorboards of the tavern in Atheling where we had agreed to meet.
After spending a few days in Vragos, I had traveled to Oria to make sure the new group of humans we had rescued were safe. Warren had been away with a small group of the Rebellion chasing leads on the Nightshades, so I’d sent a raven for him to meet me and Brand at this tavern after he was done. Lately, they had been one step ahead of us, another reason why it was imperative we found who was leaking our information.
“I’m just having difficulty believing that a mole would come from the city where we have our strongest alliance. Also, everything we’ve gathered so far has always hinted towards Vragos.” I wiped my palm over the scruff of my jaw.
“Maybe the best way to hide is right out in the open,” Brand shrugged.
With a frustrated grunt, Warren dropped into a stool next to the bar, threading both hands through his hair. “I’ll investigate it. Maybe there’s something to this lead. We still have Rebellionmembers sprinkled throughout each of the cities, so it would be easy for them to hide in the one place we wouldn’t think to look.”
“Fallon has also been pulling in new recruits and vetting new and old members of Oria. So far, nothing suspicious has been uncovered,” I said.
With his head still between his hands, Warren mumbled, “At least that’s one bit of good news.”
