Page 83 of Book Boyfriends
“It may annoy me at times that you always have suggestions”—I make air quotes—“for how I should live my life?—”
“At times?” he huffs a hoarse laugh.
“But—” Batting the air, I go on, “I know it’s part of you. It’s how you manage your anxiety about things, and it’s also something I’ll admit I begrudgingly love about you… But what I love the most is how you’d sit next to me and rub my back, telling me you were there for me. Sometimes that’s all you need to do.”
“I never knew what to do,” he says, his throat bobbing. “I couldn’t make you healthy. I couldn’t make Mom and Dad stoparguing. I don’t want to feel thathelplessagain. To not be able to take care of the people I love.”
“At least you try.” Realization slinks through me. “You deal with the anxiety of what might happen by trying to plan for every foreseeable outcome to prevent the negative. I just find excuses to not even risk it.”
Fear is a formidable adversary. My brother and I fight that fear in different ways. He plans his counterattack, while I hide. I’m sure Lars’s werewolf analysis would agree.
“We’re more alike than I realize sometimes,” I say, a small smile tugs my mouth up. “We’re both terrified things won’t turn out.”
Things happen. Accidents. Illnesses. Breakups. Disappointed people. Life. We can’t always control what happens, and we don’t need to take responsibility for the things that we didn’t actually do.Doc’s words from last night whisper inside me. Their truth unspools my own.
“Let the plan serve you, not you serve the plan.” I take Rem’s hands, folding them into my smaller ones. “I’m not going to tell you that everything will be okay, because it may not. Any number of terrible things may happen, but so will many wonderful things and just everyday things… And it’s okay to have plans, but it’s also okay to just sit beside your wife and hold her hand when she’s a little scared and a lot embarrassed, or just listen to Jackson when he complains about something, instead of trying to fix it?—”
“Orjust support your sister in her decisions, rather than trying to plan out her life for her,” he says, his shoulders slumping.
“Yeah.” I nibble on the corner of my lip. “But you might be right about my self-sabotaging any potential Mr. Right.”
“Did it hurt to admit I was right?” His chuckle is soft.
“So much,” I whine.
“Even if I was right about that, I know I need to back off at times. I don’t want you to ever think that I don’t love you or see how amazing you are. As much as I worry about you and want to protect you, I am also in awe of you. I haven’t said it enough…” He clears his throat at my ‘enough’ expression. “Orat all, but I’m proud of you. Your work at SPN. Your books. How you’ve come back after Will and Lena. What an amazing aunt you already are to little Georgia.”
“Georgia?” A too-full sensation blooms in my chest.
“Hope wants to name her after you, and after tonight, I think it’s fitting.”
“Because she’s already not listening and messing with her daddy?” I dash away escaping tears.
“That, and I’m hoping she’s as tenacious and big-hearted as you… I’m sorry for being, well…me.” His mouth tips into a crooked smile.
“And I’m sorry for being, well, me.”
We are who we are. In so many ways, Rem and I are as different as night and day, but we’re part of the same coin. You can’t have one without the other.
“I love you.” He pulls me into a hug.
“I love you, too.” I squeeze him just a little tighter.
“For the record, I don’t want you to move out.” He rests his chin atop my head.
“It might be time, though.”
“If that’s what you want, but know that it’s not what I want, and you always have a home with me.”
“I know.” I step out of my brother’s embrace. “But I think it will be good for me. Outside of the dorms, I’ve never lived on my own. As much as I push back with you about making my own decisions, I’ve never not had a safety net.”
“Just because you move out doesn’t mean I won’t still be there. That you don’t still have us.” Affection shimmers in his expression. “But if it’s what you feel is best, I’ll support you.”
“Thank you.” I grin, knowing that these are baby steps.
Rem may have suggested that I move out on Saturday, but, no doubt, its actuality spiderwebs inside him. My living somewhere else loosens his ability to protect me. To be there in the minute it takes to cross the backyard.
“I doubt Hope will be as understanding as I am about you deserting her.” Palm rested on his chest, his expression is wry.
