Page 62 of Filter This
‘Morning,’ Ali beamed, interrupting Adrienne’s raised staff and giving the guru a start.
‘Ah, yes. Morning, Ali. All set for today? Don’t forget the personal items but nothing flammable, please. It’s going to be emotionally demanding and I’m advising everyone to spend some time centring themselves right now. I’m recommending lots of fluids and being among nature.’
She scooped some sand from a leather fanny pouch and cupped Ali’s hands to receive it.
‘And this is?’
‘Nature.’ Adrienne smiled firmly.
‘Couldn’t I just go outside?’
‘This is better nature. It’s from Burning Man,’ she breathed, kissing her fingers and touching them to her heart. ‘Rest, Ali. At noon we journey within to reveal your essence. We will demolish your old identity and through the effluvia of destruction we will birth the new mama-you.’
‘Cool.’ Ali grinned. What the hell do you say to that? Effluvia? Ick.
Adrienne fixed her with a look and Ali squirmed. All week Adrienne had made much of her ‘innate knowledge’, as she called it, reading the women’s magnetic fields, revealing the sex of their babies and communicating the foetuses’ inner thoughts regarding gluten and elective C-sections. It was clearly all very far-fetched but it made Ali uncomfortable nonetheless. Adrienne would catch her alone, fix her with the ‘soul stare’ and a panicked voice in Ali’s head would immediately start up. She can fucking tell you’re a fake – she knows!
Then Adrienne would say, stroking her face, ‘Alessandra … you have been a mother many thousands of times across space and consciousness, but this time, this is the one that means the most.’
Ali would relax momentarily, until the voice would start needling. She’s double-bluffing you!
Adrienne, Ali noticed, was still staring at her. She began humming softly as she dusted herself with some of the pouch sand, holding Ali’s gaze. ‘Bathe in the dust of nature, Ali.’
‘OK,’ Ali blurted, anything to stop the staring. ‘Gotta go do a bit of Instagramming.’
Instagram was the magic word and Adrienne’s razor-sharp focus returned. ‘Yes, excellent, do that. My following has really grown since you’ve been here. It’s fantastic. I’ll let you get on with it.’ She moved closer, and her bony fingers clasped Ali’s upper arm. ‘It’d be great to get, will we say, six tagged Stories between now and the end of the day? And then one big round-up post after the ceremony?’
‘Yep, no probs, absolutely.’ Ali could barely hide her amusement.
‘Excellent, excellent.’ Adrienne casually brought her hands together in prayer behind her back in what looked to be a very uncomfortable pose and began to drift off.
‘Adrienne? Your … eh … staff?’ Ali called.
Adrienne shuffled back, looking flustered. ‘Yes, yes, thank you.’ She grabbed the stick and hurried off, turning one last time to aim the staff at Ali’s belly. ‘That little boy is lucky to have you, Ali. He will bring peace to all he meets.’
‘Cool!’ Ali called, ducking back inside. Double-bluff or double-bonkers, it hardly matters which, she thought, heading back upstairs to set up her ring-light and get ready for all the spirituality.
The women gathered outside the nourishment centre after an early lunch comprised solely of orange food. Ali was fairly acclimatised to Adrienne’s notions by now and didn’t bat an eyelid during her speech about the symbolic significance of the orange meal, though the inclusion of an Easi Single did seem to be taking the theme very literally.
‘That orange and carrot soup was so tasty.’ Helena, a private funds manager, was making small talk as Adrienne filmed the group and talked to her followers.
‘Here’s my batch of mamas-in-waiting.’ She trained the camera on the assembled women, some tugging awkwardly on the day’s uniform – an aggressively unflattering co-ord set comprising a hemp bralette and matching shorts.
‘Every one of these women has undertaken a journey here in the wilds of Kerry. It was a journey from a state of unconsciousness to one of self-discovery, and today we will complete the process of self-actualisation during an emotional and intensely private ceremony deep in the forest. Tune in on my IGTV to watch in real time as each of these women dies and is reborn … a mama.’
Ali wanted to laugh. If an intensely private ceremony takes place in the woods and doesn’t appear on the ’gram, is it really happening at all?
‘Glad I’m wearing this hemp nightmare for my Instagram debut,’ muttered Imogene, one of the slightly more cynical in the group.
‘What was that?’ Adrienne had reared back like a premenstrual velociraptor – she didn’t take kindly to any dissent among her disciples.
‘Nothing, nothing,’ Imogene called back airily.
Adrienne began pairing the women off to begin the pilgrimage to the ceremony. Ali and Shelly found themselves shoved roughly together by the sinewy sage as she griped bitchily, ‘Don’t sign the release form then, Imogene, honey.’
Shelly raised her eyebrows and Ali, checking Adrienne had moved on, whispered, ‘She’s terrifying.’
Shelly opened her mouth to respond but was interrupted by the sound of a gong and the line began to move across the car park, past Adrienne’s brand new Mercedes and towards the edge of a wooded area. The sun was high overhead but only slivers of light reached the forest floor. The women walked with heads bowed, each clutching the personal memento they’d been instructed to bring and listening to the ecstatic ranting of Adrienne.
