Page 20 of The Snag List
And then when it’s time to go onEllenorThe Tonight Showor even just the annualLate Late Showappearance, Adam and Max get to play the father–son besties while I sit in the audience playing up to my bullshit role as the long-suffering, eye-rolling ‘mammy’.
And that’s if she got to go at all. For theEllengig, they’d gone without her – the show would only foot Adam and Max’s travel.
Still, cutting out felt impossible – she had to be involved for Max’s sake. It was a pipe dream. Speaking of dreams, a strange atmosphere not unlike a TV dream sequence appeared to have settled in the room. The colourful decals on the walls seemed ever so slightly obscured. Was it smoke? She sat up abruptly, ignoring the creak of the hammock’s fixtures. An odd haze was drifting from the tepee and, now that Lindy was paying attention, there was definitely a funny smell. Was it … apples? Yes, fragrant apples.
Then the tepee quivered slightly.
Lindy was unnerved. ‘Hello?’
A long silence and finally a reluctant ‘hi’ emitted from the tepee.
When there was nothing further, Lindy leaned out of the chair to peer at the tepee. ‘Are you … OK?’
Finally, a short woman with messy pastel-dyed pink hair crawled out. The vape clamped in the woman’s teeth as she pulled herself up was obviously the source of the smoke. ‘I’m OK, sorry.’ A little flush of embarrassment was blooming in her cheeks. She was very pretty and definitely not in the mould of the other Monteray Valley women.
‘You’re probably not meant to vape in here,’ Lindy said just as the Blushing Vaper said, ‘You’re probably not meant to sit in that.’
They both laughed. ‘Uh-oh, one day in and we’re already like the Stasi here!’ Lindy grinned and started to struggle out of the suspended chair, which immediately gave way, ditching her abruptly on the floor in a shower of ceiling plaster.
‘Oh fuck! My arse!’ Lindy was winded.
‘Shhhh, someone will hear.’ The Vaper looked around nervously just as the door from the hall burst open.
‘Was that from in here?’ The redhead Lindy had overheard earlier burst in. ‘It sounded like a stampede.’
‘It’s nothing, shhh! Close the door!’ Lindy gingerly eased herself up to standing. ‘Shite,’ she muttered, surveying the mess. A good chunk of the ceiling had come down with the chair. ‘Was that very loud?’ she quizzed the redhead.
‘Hell, yes. I’d say your one Esme is on her way as we speak. You probably shouldn’t have been sitting in it. It must have been – whatyamacallit? – ornamental.’
‘C’mon.’ Lindy strode to the large window overlooking the front lawn and pushed it open. ‘Let’s go out this way and we can pop back in round the side. I’m not getting into a whole rigamarole about breaking the fucking ceiling.’
The other two looked doubtful and Lindy steamrolled on in her most commanding voice. ‘Look, I don’t want everyone talking about how Lindy in crescent C broke a chair just weeks into Monteray. I’m Lindy, by the way, crescent C.’
‘I’m Roe,’ offered the Vaper as she kept glancing at the door.
‘I’m Ailbhe,’ said the redhead. ‘I don’t get what the problem is. You broke a kid’s chair – there’s no shame in a fully grown woman not fitting in a child’s swing chair. What’s the big deal?’
Lindy could hear voices outside the door. ‘OK, you deal with it then, Ailbhe. C’mon, Roe.’ Lindy winked and nipped straight out the window.
‘What the f—!’ Ailbhe exclaimed as Roe scurried through the window behind Lindy. Lindy leaned back and slid the window back in place just as Esme and a couple of the wait staff walked into the room.
Through the glass, Lindy could see Esme staring at Ailbhe, stunned as she waved the residual vape fog from the air and took in the chunks of plaster everywhere.
‘Just walk.’ Lindy nudged Roe forcefully. ‘Act like we’re as shocked as anyone.’ Lindy pretended to gape in the window at the scene before moving towards the side passage, shunting Roe along beside her. Once they were out of sight, Lindy burst out laughing. ‘Oh my God! I’m sorry – that was so random. I didn’t mean to drag you into it but we had to act fast and that Ailbhe one was asking too many questions.’
‘But,’ Roe looked doubtful, ‘will she get in trouble?’
‘Of course not, she’s just shelled out 1.5 mill for one of their gaffs. It’s not school – no one’s getting in trouble. I just didn’t want to be forever known in Monteray Valley as the fat bitch who broke the ceiling.’
Lindy spotted Roe wince at the ‘fat bitch’ comment and felt awkward. It’d just slipped out. Lindy realised how stupid and shallow she must sound.
‘I’m sorry, I realise that “people will call me fat” is the most pathetic rationale for running out on breaking a chair and letting a complete stranger take the rap.’
‘It is,’ Roe agreed. ‘Though it’s also how most people think.’ She shrugged in a way that made Lindy feel like she’d just completely plummeted in this woman’s estimation. Great.
Casting around for a subject-switch, Lindy remembered the erstwhile builder. ‘So how’re you finding the house? Do you have anything on your snag list for the builder? I’ve been trying to pin him down on when he’ll get back to sort some of our things.’
‘Oh yeah, we have to get on that.’ Roe sounded weary. ‘Some of the finishes were a bit iffy, weren’t they? Can’t say a word against Monteray in front of Eddie, my partner, though.’ She rolled her eyes.
