Page 24 of The Snag List
‘Yeah.’ Lindy sighed. ‘You feel kind of wobbly in your head for the first year at least.’
‘That’s it – I feel so all over the place. And it’s disorientating. I look in the mirror and I don’t even recognise this person. My tits are in bits, ya know? Not even sore exactly. But they’re likelong.’ Ailbhe gazed at her breasts dolefully.
‘Oh yeah, mine are just so sad.’ Lindy grinned. ‘They were never big before or anything, but now they look like they’ve survived some atrocity. I have to practically roll them up to put them in the bra.’
‘Yeah,yeah.’ Ailbhe pointed emphatically at Lindy. ‘That’s it. I swear to fuck I stowed one in my armpit a few weeks ago when our hot moving guy walked in on me breastfeeding. It was so sad. I used to be hot. I was hot last year. I know it sounds shallow but it’s so hard to accept that your hotness is over.’
‘You’re still hot,’ Roe offered magnanimously. ‘I mean, right now you’re kinda drunk but—’
‘You wouldn’t say that if you saw the spatchcock chickens I have instead of tits,’ Ailbhe lamented. ‘I’m sorry, ignore me. I’m just still finding my feet with all this being a wife and a mother. You two are married – is it normal after you get married to be thinking about all the sex you’re not having?’ Ailbhe hoped she didn’t sound too desperate. Or tipsy.
‘Ehh, not really.’ Lindy looked oddly embarrassed, which made Ailbhe think Lindy knew exactly what she was talking about.
‘I’ll probably get past it once me and Tom are on the same continent again.’
‘How does that all work?’ Roe ventured.
‘We have a virtual thingy. It’s totally weird, to be honest. He had his personal assistant do up a schedule. Keeps the passion … I dunno … consistent?’
‘At least it’s still a mutual activity. Give it ten years.’ Lindy downed the last of her drink. ‘We’re basically in separate rooms on separate devices and we’ve never been happier.’ The smile she mustered had no warmth and Ailbhe wondered what might be lurking in the Zelners’ marriage beyond the happy-clappy YouTube facade.
‘I do love a device.’ Roe, tiddly and oblivious, was cradling her Monteray Fizz. ‘No emotional demands. Not like a broody husband. This stuff is lethal, by the way!’ She grinned, fumbling with her vape and lolling on the beanbag opposite.
‘Our whole relationship – no, our whole family,’ Lindy carried on, ‘has this corporate structure. It’s hard to have sex with Adam when all I can think of is how his first appointment in the morning is playing Zombie Nerf Rescue Mission with Max for the premium channel members.’
‘I don’t even know what that collection of words might mean.’ Ailbhe was horrified. It all sounded so ick. How could Lindy find this child-man fiddling with his toys sexy? She and Eilers had watched some Maxxed Out clips after they’d realised their neighbours were YouTube royalty. It was extremely wholesome stuff. Lots of peppy urging to ‘hit that subscribe button’ and ‘don’t forget to like and comment below if you want to see more of Max and Dad’s adventures!’ Adam was a good-looking guy, but his preppy ‘shirt tucked into shorts’ aesthetic made him look like a virginal missionary type, though he was sexier in person – a man built for baldness.
‘IwishI didn’t know what that collection of words meant.’ Lindy shook her head, turning to Roe. ‘What about you and Eddie?’
‘Are you asking if we still do it?’ Roe blushed. ‘We, eh, do. Though now there’s a bit of an agenda. It’s baby time, at least according to Eddie.’
‘Oh! Amazing,’ Ailbhe exclaimed and then, realising she didn’t sound that enthusiastic, added another ‘amazing’ for emphasis. It was hard to fake it for Roe.The poor bitch, Ailbhe thought. She absolutely loved her baby, but at times of nihilistic exhaustion, she actually felt a stab of sympathy when she saw a pregnant woman lumbering around looking peaceful with no idea what was coming.
‘Look,’ Ailbhe cut in. ‘If we’re having the inspermination chat, I insist we get another round.’ Ailbhe checked the time. Nearly 6 p.m. Tilly’s bedtime was soon and Eilers had already put in a good few hours. Ailbhe desperately wanted to prolong this little shindig – she was feeling more like herself than she had in ages.
‘Oh go on.’ Lindy grinned. ‘One more drink! Tell us more about the baby plans, Roe.’
‘Well, it’s really … exciting?’
‘You just said “exciting” like someone planning a colonoscopy.’ Ailbhe cocked her head at Roe, who laughed weakly then straightened up as if she was bracing herself.
‘Well, OK.’ Roe took a deep breath. ‘It’s completely terrifying. Every time Eddie brings it up, I get a tight feeling in my chest and can’t take a full breath. I can’t believe I’m saying this to complete strangers except sometimes it’s easier to admit these things to complete strangers than the people closest, ya know? I guess what I’m saying is I’m not even pregnant yet and it’s already making me feel like shit.’
‘Maybe you should listen to your body on this.’ Paul had appeared at the window with Ailbhe’s last order. ‘My therapist always asks how something is making me feel in mybody.’ His eyes widened to emphasise the word.
‘’K, thanks for the input, Paul!’ Ailbhe pulled the drinks in through the window and quickly closed it over on him to signal the end of his contribution. ‘If I’d planned Tilly, I’d say I’d have been exactly the same. It’s almost luckier to have it landed on you out of the blue. Kind of takes the horror of the decision-making away from you. If I’d had to figure out if I was ready … there’s just no way I’d ever have felt ready. To bring a new life into the world? No fuckin’ way!’
‘Yeah, thanks.’ Roe nodded, looking more spooked than ever, and Ailbhe scrounged around to come up with something a little more reassuring. Nothing was forthcoming.
‘That’s what I can’t get my head around,’ Roe continued. ‘How do you know that you’re not going to just completely mess up this poor person’s life? And what about your own life? How do you know that you’re done, you know … trying to live?’
‘Ha,’ Lindy barked.
‘Sorry, that sounded worse than I meant it.’ Roe was back-pedalling furiously. ‘I’m not saying that your lives are over. I just mean, when do you know that you’ve, ya know, done all the things you wanted to get done? How d’you know you’ve made the right decisions?’
Roe’s words hung in the air, sending a spike of anxiety through Ailbhe. She felt the booze haze, so pleasant just minutes before, now settling heavier around her.
How’d you know you’ve made the right decisions?
