Page 40 of The Snag List
TWENTY MINUTES BEFORE THE YOUTUBE MUMS were scheduled to arrive, the operatic chime of the front door blared.For feck’s sake.Lindy picked her way through the latest deliveries in the hall. It was a Friday morning and the Maxxed Out crew, which consisted of Eric, the videographer, and Peter, the sound guy, were in the back garden filming. She was dreading the YouTube moms coming over. Adam had met Rachel at Tubecon in the spring. She knew Miriam and Sigrid had been at it too because she’d feverishly scrolled back on both their Instas to confirm, and a paranoia had begun to fester in her that they might know something about Rachel and Adam.
‘I know I’m early!’ Sigrid’s muffled voice came through the door. ‘Are you leaving me out here to think about what I’ve done? C’mon, Linds, if Irish people had their way no one would ever arrive anywhere.’
‘Hi, Siggie!’ Lindy swung the door back to reveal her first guest to the house in the two months since they’d moved in.
‘Oh wow, Lindy. What a peaceful place. It’s basically the middle of nowhere.’ Backhanded compliment #1. Sigrid could often hit double digits with these in just a matter of hours. Lindy had to admit, she and Sigrid would not be natural friends. Lindy wasn’t mad close to any of the YouTube mums, really. But they did ease her discomfort around her career of choice.
As Sigrid moved through the hallway, she dispensed another backhander. ‘Love the stairs, Lindy. They’re soReal Housewives!’
Sigrid was resplendent in asymmetrical sacking.How does she pull it off?Of the YouTube momagers, Sigrid was definitely the most image-conscious, probably because she was the only one who did front-of-camera herself. Her channel, This Scandi Life, was a full-service lifestyle brand with fashion and interiors, along with the usual kids playing for the camera. Her older daughters, Cali and Clem, were blonde, braided beauties like their mother – and at seven and twelve, they ensured Sigrid was capturing several key demographics: Aspirational Mum, Cute Kid and Mumpreneur. Clem was also hitting the Generic Tween market but, as she was ensconced in the awkward phase, Sigrid featured her less and less – ‘for her own sake’ Sigrid insisted.
‘Are we getting the tour? Or do I show myself around, Lindy?’
The bell chimed again and Lindy directed Sigrid through to the living-room-kitchen where the morning sun was streaming in from the enormous glass concertina doors through which the dino-hunt shoot was underway.
‘Hi, gals.’ At the door, she hugged Miriam and Giuliana each in turn. ‘Sorry about the mess, you know yourselves. Deliveries!’
‘Oh, it’s non-stop,’ Giuliana sympathised.
‘I wish we could get off some of these press lists,’ Miriam confided. ‘Some of the stuff is just—’ She mimed puking. ‘Like, I have standards.’ Miriam Sullivan’s high standards were obvious from her channel, which adhered to a strict nude palette with occasional well-judged charcoal greys for contrast. The devotion to the aesthetic was seriously impressive. The Sullivan kids played exclusively with eco toys made from sustainable materials and delivered in ‘conscious’ packaging. Lindy cringed at the sheer quantity of toxic, garish plastic shite Miriam was currently being subjected to in her hall.
‘Come through, Sigrid’s here.’
‘’Course she is.’ Giuliana winked. ‘You look whopper, by the way! Is this for us?’ She circled Lindy, admiring the dark wide-leg, high-waisted trousers and cream fine-knit top.
‘Kind of? But also I’m going up to the office later. I’ve actually started getting dressed properly again.’ She laughed. ‘It makes me feel more proper while I sit there fretting that I won’t get any real clients and trying to work out if dispensing business cards to people at social gatherings would be borderline offensive. Like: “Oh, hey! You look really beaten down by life. Any regrets I can help you address?”’
‘Got to start somewhere.’ Giuliana smiled. ‘I think the new venture sounds so exciting.’
‘I envy you stepping down as CEO, Lindy.’ Sigrid shook her head in a world-weary fashion. ‘I would so love to be popping off to do a little passion project. How many weeks has it been?’
A little passion project – there it was: backhander #3.
Lindy smiled. ‘I hung up my YouTube momager pants in the middle of May. So, what’s that – a couple of weeks ago now?’
‘So how are you settling in?’ Sigrid continued, accepting Lindy’s proffered coffee and arranging herself elegantly on the enormous U-shaped teal velvet couch.
‘Exhausted from the move but happy to have so much extra space.’ Lindy plastered on a smile. God, if they knew something about Adam and Rachel it would be so humiliating. Tears pricked her eyes and she took a breath to steady herself. She hadn’t wanted to move here and now she was trapped here in her screwed-up marriage. Regret stole across the pit of her stomach every time she thought of their old house in town. It would fade. Some regrets were just an immutable fact of adult life. You accumulated more year on year. After a while you got used to them, learned to live with them, and then eventually they faded. Or they receded, at least. She couldn’t go back there. She really needed to decide what to do about Adam.
Phone sex was definitely not the kind of thing that would eventually recede but Lindy’d been utterly paralysed about the situation for weeks. Only Roe knew and any time she brought it up, Lindy had to cut her off. It was too humiliating. Lindy’d begun to see the end of the summer as a kind of watershed. Things were so up in the air right now with her departure from Maxxed Out and trying to get the Snag List going, she was hoping that by September, with Max starting in school and her course beginning, things would settle down and she’d be able to confront Adam head on.
‘The space is amazing.’ Giuliana was gazing around admiringly at the mint and navy kitchen to their left and the dining space dominated by a hanging copper sculpture trailing indoor ivy.
‘I suppose the location is just the price you pay now for space like this,’ Sigrid announced in the same tone she might have used had Lindy had to trade a kidney for her new house. Backhander #4. ‘When This Scandi Life received the Monteray Valley pitch we were tempted, but ultimately, as I told Mark, we’re Europeans, we’re cosmopolitan – we belong in the city! I just couldn’t picture us out here. We would stagnate. It would stifle me. And no offence but suburban mummy – or “mammy” as ye call it here – is much more your thing, Linds.’
Ouch. There goes #5, Lindy thought.
‘I know!’ Miriam chimed in, sipping her coffee and peering around. ‘The deal was good but sacrificing the city – all the amenities, the galleries, the restaurants – I just couldn’t.’
Yeah, yeah, I get it. You’re all too urbane for the Monteray Valley thing. Lindy curled her hands into fists to resist saying this out loud.
Subtly, Giuliana gave Lindy a meaningful look to communicate solidarity against the never-not-condescending Sigrid and Miriam.
‘Jeez, you gals are crazy,’ Giuliana said. ‘I would’ve jumped on it if we’d been approached. What package with Monteray did you agree on?’
‘Oh, stings in the videos for the next bajillion years, info on Monteray Valley in all YouTube descriptions, some dedicated content. Max doing house tours, playroom tours, kitchen tours, bloody utility-room tours. It’s actually kind of bonkers but, well, it made sense for us.’
In reality, Adam had been adamant: ‘There’s nowaywe can turn it down.’ Maxxed Out was doing well, but they would never have been able to get the mortgage for Monteray Valley. Banks still had a hard time getting their heads around careers like ‘YouTubers’. Plus they had no real capital. They made a lot of money but Adam’s penchant for investing meant it drained back out at a troubling rate. He insisted it was investing in their future. YouTube channels, even ones as successful as theirs, struggled to have longevity.
