Page 45 of The Snag List
‘Oh, I see. You’re good. My stomach plummeted when you said “leave him”. You made me spill my coffee on the white rug. That’s my answer, isn’t it?’ she added quietly.
Finn sat back. ‘It’s your answer for now. Maybe that’ll change. Organised CEO Lindy would probably be looking for more information before making an investment, though, wouldn’t she? And sticking with him is an investment of sorts.’
‘What are you suggesting? Tail him? I really don’t think they’ve been meeting. Between the neighbours and the staff, the surveillance here is pretty intense; someone would notice and it’d probably wind up on the Monteray Valley Concerned Residents WhatsApp.’
‘I’m not talking about that. I am talking about you properly spending some time together. Trying to figure if what you have is salvageable. Remember in Drumcondra you and Adam used to do those sixteen-hour-date days. Leave in the morning, go walking and have breakfast. Spend the whole day away. I’ll come and watch Max next week. You and Adam clear a window and have a mini holiday, a little trip back to the old Adam and Lindy.’
12
AILBHE SAT AT HER LAPTOP IN THE OFFICE ON THE third floor of the house on a Zoom Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. She was only five days in and already AA was a ball-ache of the highest order. As Tom had promised, Maia had connected her with some online recovery meetings, and despite feeling that AA was utterly unnecessary, Ailbhe had actually liked having the chats with Maia. At first, she’d been embarrassed at Tom insisting she needed help, but Maia was very non-judgemental and even confided that she herself was in recovery – she’d had a serious drinking problem when she was younger. She even came along to the first couple of meetings with Ailbhe as support, which was nice. Still, Ailbhe knew this wasn’t the place for her; this gang at the meetings seemed to have drunk every day and lost jobs and families over their drinking. She was fine. She was going to go along with it all to keep Tom onside – after all, he was here from now until they left in July so she had to be on good behaviour – but really the AAers weren’t doing much to sell the sober life. They wouldn’t touch so much as a Solpadeine and they were endlessly stressing about going in for various surgeries and being prescribed tasty, delicious morphine.
‘The wee lad is finishing up his fourth year in college.’ Declan, the man currently sharing, was getting misty. ‘He took us out for dinner. Paid and all. I said to the missus, did you ever think we’d see the day whenhe’dbe treatingus! And of course none of it would’ve been possible without AA and these rooms.’
Christ. Ailbhe checked the time. Twenty minutes left. The one bonus of Zoom was she could mess around on social media. She opened her DMs to check how many messages from Seb had racked up. He was flirting incessantly with her and it was extremely stressful. She was trying to maintain a delicate balance of responding here and there so he wouldn’t think something was wrong and potentially ask Holly about her in rehearsals, but not respond to so many that he got the wrong idea. My God, what were the bloody chances of him catching up with her just weeks before her getaway?Why does the universe hate me?she wailed silently.
‘Well, anyway, that’s me.’ Declan was wrapping up at last.
‘Thanks, Declan.’ Audrey, the secretary of the lunchtime meeting, appeared to scan her screen before addressing the group. ‘Anyone in their first thirty days want to share? I’m not trying to put you on the spot.’ She smiled and Ailbhe had the unnerving sense that Audrey was staring directly at her little window in the gallery. ‘Remember, we listen to learn, but something you share as a newcomer can be just as valuable to those of us who’ve been here longer.’
Ailbhe scanned the other people in their separate boxes – no one else seemed to be new. They all looked so earnest it was painful.Ah, I’ll say something to get them off my back. I’ll open with a joke.
‘Hi, I’m Ailbhe, and I am here because my husband is American and he doesn’t understand how we do things in Ireland!’
‘Hi, Ailbhe,’ a few people chimed back at her, apparently willing to overlook the fact that she’d neglected to identify as an addict, as is the custom.
‘So, anyway, I’m not doing down what you all do here, but I actually amn’t an alcoholic. I’m just trying to reassure him. There was a little incident at a party like a week ago and he thinks I have an “alcohol problem” – which I don’t, by the way. I was actually on coke at the time!’
Shit. That would not help her cause one bit. Thank God Maia wasn’t at today’s meeting.
She scrambled to smooth the situation. ‘It’s not like I was the one whobroughtthe coke. All the other parents were having little bumps at this party too. I was just politely partaking. Plus, I don’t know if any of you have been to a five-year-old’s birthday party recently, but, seriously, how are you supposed to get through one of thosewithoutdrugs? It would be hell totally sober.’ Ailbhe gazed around beseechingly.Oh God, just shut up, Ailbhe.
‘OK,’ Audrey interrupted, shuffling pages in her little window. ‘I’m taking a group-conscience decision to stop you right there. At this meeting we have to focus on our problems as they pertain to our addictions. If you’re not ready to take this seriously, I’m not sure we can help you. We do this to maintain the integrity of the group, not to shame you,’ Audrey explained. ‘It sounds like you have some stuff to work through. You say that you don’t have a problem, but there are some elements of your life that suggest otherwise. Not all people have troubles in their marriages after a child’s birthday party.’ Audrey smiled gently but her tone was firm. ‘And maybe there are other troubles in your life as a result of drugs or alcohol too, perhaps?’
‘No, as a matter of fact!’ Ailbhe couldn’t have Audrey reading her so easily as her mind immediately flashed back to the cursed night almost exactly a year ago that was now threatening to derail her plans entirely.
Last summer, when Ailbhe had walked into the Lord Edward to see if it’d be good for Eilers’ fifty-eighth birthday, she’d had no idea what was coming. She was checking if their function room upstairs was back in action since the last lockdown and going back and forth in her mind over the conversation she’d just had with Tom. He’d told her he loved her and she’d brushed it off. She felt guilty. She knew her feelings for him were becoming more serious, but instead of being happy she was feeling out of control. Since the wedding debacle and the year afterwards, when a sea of depression had dragged her under, she’d dodged any relationship that seemed to be heading towards a deeper commitment; it felt too risky. Until now.
It had only been a couple of months with Tom and already he was trying to get serious, and Ailbhe was torn. One half of her wanted to trust him and take a risk, and the other half, the half that usually made her decisions, wanted to cut and run. She wanted to not care. Caring led to hurt.
She’d been assessing how many would fit in the function area when she’d spotted Seb at the bar. They had many drinks.We’re just catching up, she’d told herself, trying to put thoughts of Tom sitting on the other side of the city out of her mind. Seb was over from London and staying in the Jurys Inn right next door to the pub. Ailbhe felt herself inexorably pulled towards the destruction that sleeping with Seb offered. If she slept with Seb then it meant that she was still in control. It was a hop, skip and a jump to his bed. Tragically, cracking into a €9 bar of Mint Crisp from the minibar was the most exciting thing that happened in that room. What a letdown. Of course, Seb seemed delighted with it – men always do. He was all for her staying over, clearly dying for another grunty go.Ew. Despite the powerfully crap sex – a lot of thrusting with no consistency in rhythm or pressure; if it had been a song, she’d have said it was a flaccid ballad – she’d found it quite satisfying to find that the one that got away wasn’t so amazing after all. She’d made a lazy excuse – something, something, have to feed the cat – and filed it under ‘It happened in a blackout so it DOESN’T COUNT!’
Had it not been for the desperate collision of events that unfolded soon after, Ailbhe would likely have never thought of it again.
She cringed. It was a filing system she’d completely abandoned since. She hated that she’d done that to Tom. And on the night he’d been trying to get closer to her.
She sat in silence for the rest of the meeting.
Look, I didn’t know we were going to be long-term, she reasoned.I will never do anything like that again. Just, please, God – I know I’m always coming crawling back to you, but please get me out of this one intact and with nobody finding out anything that could hurt them.
13
‘SOOOOO! HOW ARE YOU FEELING, BABE? Anything …different?’
Roe stared at the traffic straight ahead, resolutely dodging Eddie’s sidelong glance as he switched lanes.
‘Different how? Different like … I’ve been fertilised? Or different like I want to give up this whole crazy life and just get really deep into a wellness cult?’
He grinned. ‘Don’t give me a hard time. I know it’s too soon for there to be “signs” – I’m just excited.’ Eddie inched along the canal towards DeLacey’s and Roe’s dinner shift. At least Thursday nights were more chill.I have got to learn to drive. Roe sat fighting her angsty pregnancy-unrelated nausea. It had been a week since the auditions and their last insemination attempt, and she had been battling this queasy guilt every single moment she spent in Eddie’s company. Seriously, how do cheaters do it? People who conduct months-long affairs while pretending to their spouse that they’re perfectly happy and not off boning someone else must be sociopaths. How else could they cope with the daily lies?
