Page 72 of The Snag List
‘Ailbhe, I actuallywantedto talk to you in private. If you hadn’t been avoiding my calls, we could’ve discussed this without involving everyone. I was angry but I wanted to work this all out. The visa thing, the outstanding warrant. Everything. I wanted to know you. I love you. I did marry you, didn’t I? But it’s you, Ailbhe. It’s you who’s kept me at arm’s length for God knows what reason. I don’t deserve this. I never wanted to break up our family. I love you and Tilly. I don’t want to start fighting over our baby girl. But you are giving me no choice.’
‘Tom! Stop. Please. We can’t break up.’ The situation was slipping from her grasp. She’d thought she’d been in charge of taking her foot off the dock, but now the boat was pulling away without her. Everyone else at the table was silent. Eddie had his head in his hands and Roe was staring across at him looking absolutely destroyed. Adam’s foot was tapping nervily against the table leg as he chewed on the skin around his thumbnail. A dejected Lindy was looking at Roe and Eddie, then she turned to Ailbhe and mouthed ‘I’m sorry’.
How had everything fallen apart in a matter of minutes? On the screen, Tom looked the most desolate of everyone. ‘You say we don’t have to break up, Ailbh, but did you ever even want this in the first place? Because now I feel like all of it adds up. The stuff you never told me, the drinking and the drug use. Maybe you were never ready. Maybe the “you” I’m in love with isn’t you at all. You thought you’d try me out. But Tilly and I are not accessories you can return.’
‘I never treated you like that! I love y—’
‘Tom, Ailbhe?’ Eddie had emerged from behind his hands looking exasperated. ‘We are all digesting this, Tom. You don’t get to lob a bomb from across the Atlantic and then have all of us do some fucking group therapy for you and your wife. Or maybe you want us all to unravel right here in public as well? Is that it? So you two can feel better about your weird excuse for a marriage?’
Ailbhe flinched. Eddie was usually so diplomatic and controlled. It was horrible to see him so shaken. So angry.
‘Well, excuse me, Eddie, but I presume you didn’t know your wife was high as hell a couple of weeks ago either. And from the look on your face, it seems like this might be saying something aboutyourmarriage too.’
‘Everyone,’ Lindy was calm but serious, ‘I have to explain. This is my fault entirely. Eileen wanted to do magic mushrooms; I was facilitating it for my new life-coaching company. And I said to Ailbhe and Roe that they should come and do them with her because it’d be too mad for Eilers to trip on her own, and I needed to stay sober for health and safety reasons. So I asked these gals – no,toldthem to join in. And Ailbhe had only wanted tea but I made her mushroom tea by accident. So it’s all my fault. But everyone was safe.’
‘Everyone was not safe, Lindy.’ Eddie’s eyes flashed; his neck was so flushed with rage it was nearly purple, his features so contorted he was unrecognisable. ‘Roe might bepregnant. We are waiting to take the test. So actually everyone was not safe – you and your little project have endangered a child.’
‘It’s not Lindy’s fault,’ Roe spoke quietly, not lifting her eyes from her lap. ‘She didn’t make anyone come along.’
There was silence except for the sound of Eddie’s ragged breaths. Finally he spoke again. ‘Why did you do that, Roe?’ Ailbhe could see that his anger was shot through with confusion and hurt. ‘Did you not think “taking drugs might not be good for the baby I might be carrying”?’ He shook his head slowly. ‘What on earth possessed you? I can’t believe you’ve done this. You realise our baby might be damaged. Oh God. I can’t believe this is happening.’ He sagged in his seat.
It was excruciating to watch, but just as Ailbhe was about to stand and suggest they get the hell away from each other for a moment, Roe spoke. ‘Our baby isn’t damaged, Eddie. There is no baby.’ She was blunt.
Eddie looked up, his eyes glassy. ‘You don’t know that, Roe. You don’t know that it didn’t work. The success rate is 30 per cent. We could have gotten lucky. You could be pregnant right this moment. You could’ve been pregnant while you were puking out the side of that ball pit. I never believed you capable of something like this.’
‘Eddie,’ Roe spoke slowly, her voice quiet but firm, ‘I am not pregnant. It’s not a 30 per cent likelihood, it’s a 0 per cent likelihood – pretty much a medical impossibility. The last time we had sex, I took the morning-after pill.’
24
LINDY WASN’T SURE WHOSE CAR JOURNEY BACK TO Monteray Valley would be the most horrific. In the end, they hadn’t even lasted eight hours at the beach house before the whole thing had disintegrated spectacularly. Right after Roe had announced there was definitely no baby, Eddie began storming around, throwing things into their car. He pulled Tilly’s car seat out of the back and flung it over by Adam’s Range Rover. Then without so much as a wave or nod to any of them, he got into the driver’s seat and turned on the engine. This, Roe seemed to know automatically, was her cue to say goodbye and go with him.
‘Are you going to be OK?’ Lindy leaned in to hug her goodbye as Ailbhe joined them, jiggling a very fretty and overtired Tilly. Adam hadn’t even come outside.
‘I don’t know.’ Roe’s face was taut and pale. ‘I can’t believe what I did. I knew as soon as I had that it was a crazy thing to do. I thought I’d just wait it out. Get the negative test and finally talk to Eddie properly about the baby thing. Ever since starting the musical, I’d been feeling so much more confident about doing theatre and more sure that a baby doesn’t fit,’ Roe whimpered, and Lindy rubbed her upper arms trying to soothe her. ‘Then Seb put me forward for thisNewsiesrevival on the West End. I know it was selfish but I didn’t want to miss that opportunity and regret it forever.’
Lindy felt utterly helpless and more than a little responsible. ‘It’s not selfish to want what you want, Roe.’ She dropped her voice so Eddie wouldn’t hear. ‘But letting him think you were trying and then taking the morning-after pill …’
Why didn’t I force her to talk to Eddie? I should’ve insisted they straighten everything out.Where was the sense in her meddling with the lives of other people when her own life was so off the rails? Goddammit, this weekend had nosedived and she had barely begun to address her own issues.
Roe pulled back from Lindy and gave her a weak smile. ‘I’ll call you later.’
‘Whatever you need, Roe, we’re here.’ Ailbhe stepped forward, nodding emphatically. ‘Call me any time. Middle of the night. I mean it.’
‘Yup.’ Roe swallowed hard and hurried down the wooden steps, but as she approached the car, Eddie revved aggressively, pulled back and hurtled off down the driveway, out of sight.
‘Oh fuck,’ Ailbhe exclaimed as Lindy rushed forward to hold the blindsided Roe, who looked like her legs might give way.
‘So,’ Roe croaked, ‘we’re having a sleepover, I guess.’
‘Back inside,’ ordered Lindy firmly. ‘We need wine and sad-bitch tunes. Everything is going to be OK. Eddie will be OK. Let him process.’
They trooped back indoors.
‘I’m going to put Tilly down.’ Ailbhe was uncharacteristically muted, and Lindy felt a fresh spike of remorse over the mushroom tea. She’d been doing so well and Tom would probably never believe it’d been an honest mistake.
Tilly was grouching but Lindy couldn’t resist leaning in for a kiss of the delicate hair at the baby’s temples.
‘Want to put some of the chicken parmigiana on plates?’ Ailbhe suggested, looking doubtful.
