Page 85 of The Snag List
Down in the queue for preclearance, Ailbhe tried not to think about her little altercation there back in July. She’d deliberately kept her eyes down when passing the uniformed officers flanking the entrance. She was hoping to avoid any of the lads who’d witnessed the previous debacle.
Tom was furiously typing on his phone. ‘Mom and Pop are so excited to meet you finally! And Tilly, of course. I’ve just told them we’ll go to their place for a welcome dinner tomorrow night.’ He slipped his phone into the pocket of his bomber jacket. ‘I told them it was just a paperwork issue back on the Fourth of July,’ he added quietly.
‘Great!’ Ailbhe rocked the pram for something to do. Being back in this hall was giving her a seasick feeling. The line zigzagged back and forth through the low-ceilinged room so that they were packed in by people on all sides. Low conversations droned, punctuated with the occasional staccato cough. Ailbhe concentrated on keeping her breathing even.It’s just having people so close. She tried to quell the rising dread. It was still weird being in a confined space after the last few years.
Yeah, it’s nothing at all to do with getting on this plane – right, Ailbhe?
Why did everything suddenly feel so drenched in dread? Ailbhe felt blindsided by this sudden rush of fear. She’d been counting the days until she could get out of Dublin. She’d thought this moment of escape would bring relief not amp up her stress. She looked ahead to the booths through which they would soon pass. Why did this feel like crossing the Rubicon? Going to America was hardly the point of no return on this lie. The point of no return had been many, many months ago. The queue shuffled another few feet forward and the sense that she was being funnelled towards some unknown disaster intensified.
Telling him when we get to America or telling him here makes no difference.
Wait!Her racing thoughts slammed to a halt.Telling him? NO ONE’S TELLING ANYONE ANYTHING.
‘Why do you look so miserable, Ailbh?’ Tom gazed down at her. ‘Is it because I said no jet? You know it’s bad optics these days. I can’t justify jets for family travel. Business class is epic, don’t worry.’
‘No, no, it’s not the jet. It’s not anything. I’m really happy.’ Oh God, just saying ‘I’m really happy’ had set off that awful fizzing feeling she always got in her temples when tears were near.
‘What is it, honey?’ Tom looked alarmed, immediately pulling her close.
‘Hey again, you two! It’s so great to see you guys together!’ Officer Eric appeared on the other side of the cord, beaming. ‘Hey, Westie, get over here. Guess who won the bet? Yours truly, my man.’ He turned back to Tom and Ailbhe. ‘I had a good feeling about you guys. Of course, we weren’t sure we’d ever find out who won the bet! But when we figured out you were the Optimise guy, we thought, hey, this might be one bet we actually get closure on.’
‘My man.’ Officer West had joined them, tapping on his phone and shaking his head at Officer Eric. ‘I am Revoluting you right now.’ He smiled at Ailbhe. ‘I’d be pissed at losing, but I’m a sucker for a love story.’
A love story? Oh God, don’t call us that. Why is everything in the world conspiring against me right now? This building is cursed.She looked around at everyone else in the hall. How many of them were on the run from something? And why did her getaway, her flight to freedom, suddenly feel like she was in the steerage queue for theTitanic? Beyond the booths felt like the end of the line somehow.Every second I don’t tell him makes it worse.
‘So, a secret arrest?’ Officer West dropped his voice to just above a whisper. ‘How does a couple come back from that? My wife and I are having some stuff.’ He glanced at Eric, who leaned in to rub his back encouragingly, before continuing. ‘You do all this betterment stuff.’ He looked at Tom. ‘What do I do? She’s been keeping this from me …’ He gazed down, obviously summoning the courage to tell them.
‘You don’t need to tell us,’ Ailbhe blurted. She wasn’t sure she wanted to hear Tom’s thoughts on buried betrayal.
‘No, no, to be honest, I’m so torn that I’m looking for guidance everywhere I can get it. And you two have been through something like this. I’ve just found out that when we first got together she got pregnant, and she had an abortion. She says she was afraid I would try and make her keep the baby. She says if she’d known that we would fall in love and stay together and eventually have kids – they’re nine and ten now’ – he flashed the lock screen on his phone to show two auburn-haired boys sticking their tongues out – ‘it would’ve been different, but she panicked, and she figured she would never have to tell me.’
‘Oh wow, dude, very tough.’ Tom rubbed his jaw and shook his head. The line edged forward, as did the officers, Tom and Ailbhe.
Ailbhe didn’t want to prolong this conversation – it felt radioactive to be talking about something so close to their situation – but she had to ask. ‘How did you find out?’
‘She told me. Nothing happened, she just started crying one night and said that it had been eating her up inside for years. That she couldn’t go another day of loving me and hurting me all at the same time.’
‘She should have told you back then,’ Tom said firmly. ‘But she made a mistake.’ He pressed his lips together, furrowing his brow. ‘This is a toughy.’ He took out his phone and tapped the Optimise icon. ‘We have one feature, OptiDecide, that may help. But it’s more for calculating practical decisions – moving jobs, having more kids. It offers projections on how your quality of life might be impacted.’ He put the phone away again and sighed. ‘To be honest, it’s not for this, I’m afraid.’
Maybe this is an opportunity, Ailbhe thought.I could float a possible outcome and see how Tom reacts.
‘Officer West.’ All three men turned to her. ‘I have another angle you mightn’t have thought about. Could you maybe see how this lie is actually proof of how much she loves you?’
She was careful not to look directly at Tom’s reaction but kept him in her peripheral vision.He’s not rushing to argue, she thought hopefully.
Officer West was thoughtful. ‘Maybe? Yeah, I know what you’re saying, I guess.’
‘I think Ailbhe is right.’ Tom sounded decisive, and the hope flooding her confirmed something that a few months ago she would never have believed:I want to tell him. I don’t want to lie to him every hour of every day for the rest of our lives.
With the realisation came two overwhelming feelings. She was scared and she was exhausted. Keeping a secret was so draining and lonely.I am wrecked from the sheer admin of it. If he leaves, he leaves, and I’ll have to accept it.
She thought of Lindy and Roe and Eilers and Holly.I have friends.She thought about the life she’d made after Ruairí and the wedding fiasco. She looked down at Tilly.Whatever happens, she’s mine and I won’t lose her. And she’ll understand one day that I drank when she was a baby and that I had a problem. She’ll forgive me for losing her a dad because I’ll stay sober and I’ll never let her down again.She thought of her sad, crappy dad and all his problems.If Tom leaves, we’ll make it. We’ve done it before.
‘Tom?’ She tapped him and he pulled back from the bear hug he, Officer Eric and Officer West were now locked in.
‘Yeah? Honey, why are you crying?’
She looked at his face full of concern and love and wished she could know for definite that he would one day, after all this, look at her like this again. ‘I need to go to the breastfeeding booth. Will you come with me?’
