Page 92 of The Snag List
‘What’s wrong with my hair?’ Lindy was indignant.
Roe ignored them, frantically inputting T-U-B-E-D-R-A-M-Z into the search bar. She flicked her thumb over the videos on their page. They had titles like ‘MUA SPAT! These Rowdy Bitches are all Contour and Maximum SHADE!’ and ‘How Abbi Ganna DESTROYED Her Career’ and ‘Why the Internet HATES RaeRae’s World’.
‘What’s RaeRae’s World?’ Roe asked.
Lindy shuddered. ‘RaeRae’s World started out as a kids toy channel very similar to Maxxed Out, though I’d say they were bringing in way more money. The channel bankrolled RaeRae’s whole extended Texan family until ten-year-old RaeRae had a very public meltdown and fired everyone connected to her empire, her parents included. Then a series of bizarre confessional videos appeared on the channel revealing that she was addicted to Adderall medication after being overprescribed at her parents’ insistence, that she hated old people and that she was actually twenty-three playing a ten-year-old.’
‘What the hell evenisthe internet any more?’ Ailbhe groaned.
‘Yeah and they’re hounds for the drama on there.’ Lindy nodded. ‘Tell me, Roe. What’s up there? What’s Adam saying?’
Roe scrolled back to the top of the feed and clicked the most recent video called ‘Borderline Old People MATING but with a YouTube TWIST’, the thumbnail of which was ominously blank.
The video opened on a still of Adam and Max, whose face was blurred, dressed as safari rangers. Roe recognised the chorus of ‘F*ckboi’ playing as a woman’s gleeful voiceover began.
‘Welcome back to my channel, guys! It’s your gal, Emma Tea, aka @EmmaSpillsTea on Insta – follow me there, follow me here. Don’t forget to hit like and hit subscribe and RING THAT BELL to get notifications whenever a new dramarama-filled show drops. Today’s TubeDramZ vid is explicit with a capital X, so if you are a younger viewer … prepare to learn a little something about the birds and the bees and being a SCUMBAG!’
Roe only needed to skip a few minutes into the video to confirm what they already knew. It was Adam’s video with this Emma one narrating it. Roe shuddered.
‘This is not looking good.’ Roe x-ed out of the channel. ‘There’s no need to watch it, Lindy. I am so sorry.’
Lindy slumped back against the wall and slid to the floor.
‘No, no! Get up.’ Roe gestured to Ailbhe to grab Lindy’s other arm and together they heaved her to her feet. ‘You don’t know what’s living in that carpet. We have to get you back to Max before he …’ Roe couldn’t bring herself to finish the sentence. How do you tell a kid his dad has a sex tape on the internet? What does that do to a kid?
‘How did this happen?’ Lindy sounded desperate; she leaned on Roe helplessly.
‘Show me Adam’s messages.’ Roe watched her face crumple as she read them. ‘Shit,’ Lindy muttered. ‘Shit, shit, shit.’ She pulled herself upright again. ‘We’ve gotta go. Thank God it’s not term time – this would blitz through school. Hopefully, with a few weeks to go before they go back, it’ll have blown over?’ Lindy’s voice tipped up into a hopeful question mark and Roe didn’t have the heart to do anything but lie.
‘I’m sure it will.’ She smiled weakly. A low moan and a high-pitched scream joined together in harmony from above, and Ailbhe and Roe exchanged a glance.
‘It feels like every time we settle on whose life is the worst, some other shit happens to drag someone else down.’ Roe was aiming to lighten the mood, but it was clear Lindy was barely registering what was being said.
Lindy peered down the stairs to the next storey. ‘Can you hear that? Is that the music from the video?’ In a flash, Lindy was bounding down the stairs.
Now that Roe was listening, tuning out the cacophony from the attic, she realised she could hear the girl from the YouTube channel prattling on in another part of the house. Roe swooped after Lindy with Ailbhe on her heels. On the landing two floors down, they started opening doors, eventually finding the channel blaring from a huge TV in the living room. A dozen Sports Casuals were lounging and providing an alternate running commentary.
‘Oh-hooo, Zelner’s caught a live one here.’
‘Oh shit … whoever he’s caught is HOT!’
They were all so engrossed they hadn’t so much as glanced at the door when Roe and the others burst in.
On screen, Emma was chatting on, contextualising the video for her viewers as the dimly lit sex between Adam and Rachel raged on.
‘Adam Zelner has been known as a fairly inoffensive quintessential YouTube dad for a few years now. He runs a channel, Maxxed Out, with his young son … you’ve guessed it … Max. A video like this will presumably kill a family-orientated brand. The Zelners couldmaaaybehave weathered this shitshow if it wasn’t for the teensyweensy problem that this isnotAdam’s wife he’s maxing out there but, in fact, a civilian. Reports are circulating that the mystery woman is allegedly the mother of a Maxxed Out fan. Gross. Now I must stress that this is all unsubstantiated. Gotta be careful when you’re a full-time internet gossipmonger.’ She winked at the camera. ‘“Allegedly” is your best friend!’ She laughed. Next a picture of Lindy, Adam and a younger Max, again with his face blurred out, replaced the depraved turn the video had taken.
‘Get back to the boning,’ one of the men screamed as Emma now zeroed her focus in on Lindy. ‘This is Zelner’s long-time wife and until recently the CEO of Maxxed Out. It’s unclear whether this video surfacing at this crucial juncture is connected to her leaving her role, but we can all agree that the timing seems … interesting.’ Emma gave the camera a meaningful look.
‘What is she even trying to get at with that?’ Lindy hissed beside Roe.
‘She doesn’t know what she’s trying to get at.’ Roe attempted to soothe her.
Emma had now brought up the article Lindy had been featured in the week before. ‘Here in theIrish Independent, Lindy’s new life-coaching business venture projected to roll out early next year is being hailed as a zeitgeisty antidote to post-pandemic malaise. The Snag List, as it’s called, is supposedly going to help clients address their regrets. After this sex-tape leak, Lindy could well be her own neediest client.’ Emma smiled savagely into the camera. ‘Forgot to put “bang the husband” on your snag list, did you, Lindy?’
‘Oh my God, this woman is horrendous.’ Roe threw her arms around Lindy. A hug felt massively inadequate in the face of such scalding humiliation, but Roe had no idea what else she could do for her friend. Lindy remained rigid in her arms. She was still staring at the screen over Roe’s shoulder.
‘Well, TubeDramZers, until next week, when I’ll be covering This Scandi Life and dishing on the scandal brewing over “all natural” Sigrid’s allegedly DYED hair. In the meantime, if you are still thirsty, sign up to my Patreon to watch the full video of Adam Zelnerin flagrante. Plus top-tier patrons get bonus clips of Zelner’s full tail-wagging interlude. YIKES! Like, subscribe and remember: watch the drama, don’tbethe drama. Love you guys, thank you so much for supporting my work here at TubeDramZ.’
