Page 99 of The Snag List
Oh, this is not going to be easy. ‘Uh-huh.’ Ailbhe tried to sound non-committal and stood beside him facing the rest of the hall and the stage.
‘Which one is he, then?’ He was scanning the various crew members dotted around the theatre.
‘Are you sure you want to—?’
‘Yes, Ailbhe, Soren recommended this. He said we’d never get past this if I didn’t have all the information. And this is quite a crucial bit of information.’
Ailbhe nodded, shamefaced. ‘So you do think that we might be able to … get past everything?’
‘I don’t know, Ailbhe. It depends if he’s hotter than me or not.’
She looked up sharply.Was that a joke?She couldn’t tell – he looked completely solemn. If it was a joke, then that seemed very promising.Best not to hope, she told herself.
‘Can I just say something before I point him out?’ She moved to stand directly in front of Tom, and she tentatively placed her hands on either side of his face. He made no move to shake her off. A good sign. ‘I love you, Tom. I love our daughter. And she isourdaughter. You’re the only father she’s ever known. I’ve put us in an impossible situation and I hate myself for it. I wish I had done the right thing at the very beginning of this mess. And I regret every day that I didn’t. I was scared of ruining the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I was scared of wrecking Tilly’s life when it’d barely begun. I don’t want to make excuses because there is no excuse that makes what I’ve done OK. But I want to say that I love you and I am sorrier than you’ll ever know.’
Tom said nothing for several minutes and Ailbhe silently repeated an AA mantra she’d clung to in the uncertainty of the last couple of weeks while Tom had been doing his medicinal screaming.Revealing is healing, revealing is healing, revealing is healing.
I have done the right thing. Even if he can’t love me again, even if he leaves us. This was the right thing to do.
‘Ailbhe, have you ever screamed for a prolonged period of time?’
‘What?’ She took her hands back and pushed them through her hair. ‘Screamed? No.’
Oh God, is he going to suggest couples screaming therapy or something?she wondered.
‘So as you know, I’ve been screaming for a couple of weeks now and it’s been … really fucking boring. And very strenuous.’
‘Oh, yeah?’ She didn’t dare smile at this.
‘Yeah, it was exhausting. By the end, I was like “screw this”, if it’s a choice between screaming or forgiving Ailbhe … well …’ He ran his hand down the side of her face and neck.
Ailbhe felt a cautious joy bloom and spread inside her. ‘Really? Are you serious?’
He leaned down and brushed his full soft lips against hers and Ailbhe’s heart leapt. The relief was overwhelming. She pulled him to her, her hands in his dark curls, breathing him in. It wasn’t till they pulled apart that she realised she was crying.
‘But, Tom, you know there are other options apart from just screaming or forgiving me? Like—’
‘I know! I was kidding. I’ve thought about it every which way and I just keep coming back to the fact that I love you and I love Tilly. And it means something that you told me, Ailbhe. It couldn’t have been easy, but you did. About a year late, but you did. And I keep thinking it happened this way because this was the way it was meant to happen. If you’d told me you’d slept with Seb back then, who knows what would’ve happened? We might not even have Tilly now. Or each other.’ He pulled her close again. ‘Don’t cry, honey. I forgive you.’
‘You’re genuinely fucking amazing.’ Ailbhe laughed through her tears. ‘There’s no one like you.’
‘There isn’t,’ Tom agreed soberly. Then he broke into a smile. ‘There’s just one thing.’
She leaned back in his arms and raised a brow. ‘Is it to do an IEANL? Cos if ever there was a time to ask I suppose it’s now.’
He laughed. ‘No, don’t worry. Though, unfortunately, it’s probably even more uncomfortable. I want you to tell me which one’s Seb because I want us to tell him about thesituation.’
Ailbhe blanched. ‘You don’t.’
‘I do.’
‘But … but … what would happen? He won’t know what to do. It’s … I just …’ Ailbhe floundered. She had no idea what to say.I should have seen this coming. Tom is not a normal person. Of course he’d have some batshit plan. Does he want us to throuple up to raise Tilly?
‘Ailbhe, calm down. I looked him up online. He’s a single guy in his forties – he’s not going to want anything to do with Tilly. But we have to give him the option. If it was me I would want to know. Also it’s 2022 – Tilly will probably do a 23andMe kit before she’s five! We’ll have to face this info sometime. Look, we’re together, I’m her dad, I will always be her dad. But he has to know there’s a possibility he has a daughter. We have to have a paternity test.’
Ailbhe turned back to the auditorium. She scanned until she spotted Seb down by the stage off to the right. ‘C’mon.’ She took Tom’s hand, resigned. ‘We’d better do this.’
They edged through the crowd, waving to Roe who was standing in the centre of her folks and Lindy and Max, all relating their favourite bits of her performance, to Roe’s obvious delight. Eddie, it seemed, had not stayed for the show, Ailbhe noted, but maybe it was for the best.
