Page 104 of Such a Good Couple
‘Calm, calm, calm,’ she chanted quietly, pressing the heel ofher hands into her eyes.
When she told Ollie about the choking shame that had settled like a vaporous entity in her body, he hadn’t understood. He’d scrolled Slags For Life himself pointing at Maggie’s messages.
‘She was in good form, Clara, you couldn’t have known.’
‘She was carrying so much,’ Clara had replied. ‘And she felt she couldn’t tell us.’
Now on the bed, she sucked in air and tried to ignore the pressure building in her chest. She tried to escape her head by looking around the room. The internet said that to stave off panic, you should pick three things you can see, but nothing around her looked right and nothing felt right. It hadn’t since she’d seen the paramedics grimly performing chest compressions on Maggie that, to Clara, looked much too rough. ‘They’re hurting her,’ she had blurted. Ollie had led her away and the next thing she remembered she was at home in bed. The car journey had melted from her mind and she had come to, frantic that they had left Dodi and Essie behind.
‘Emer came to collect them,’ Ollie had explained.
Later that day, Ollie had reluctantly left her on her own with the boys while he went with Conor to get Fionn from the airport.
‘He’s out of his mind,’ Ollie had told her. It was now Wednesday and Ollie and Conor had been taking it in shifts to stay with Fionn out at the house. Dodi and Essie were with the Pierces. Everyone was falling apart in different locations, Clara’s being her bed. It felt so horrible and unforgivably self-indulgent. Annie’d been doing so much while Clara completely collapsed.
Annie had, with Rachel’s help, been running interference between the hospital where Maggie’s body had first been taken and the funeral home that was handling all the arrangements for the next day. It was Annie who’d arranged to hold back the funeral for a couple of days to allow the American contingent time to fly in. Annie was the one who’d been savaging thereporters who dared to come near Miavita Terrace to catch ‘Finn Strong in mourning’.
That was hands down the most excruciating bit; within hours, Maggie’s death had become public property. Maggie’s picture was everywhere. TikTokers were making videos insinuating it had been everything from drugs to foul play. Brody actually had to put together a statement on the cause of death to quash the rumours. Even though he’d kept the wording vague, there was a leak somewhere because soon everyone seemed to know and then of course every single person had something to say about Maggie’s bulimia. And about her and Fionn’s marriage. And about what kind of mother relapses and leaves behind two children – as if that was a choice.
Clara was grateful when a tap on the bedroom door interrupted the rampaging thoughts.
Annie came in and shut the door behind her. ‘Ollie let me in. He said to tell you he’s going to Fionn after he puts the boys to bed.’
‘Thank you for coming over.’ Clara remained lying down and Annie joined her, their heads resting on the same pillow.
‘Thank you for giving me something to do,’ replied Annie.
‘You’re doing so much.’ Clara tried not to start crying. ‘I feel so bad.’
‘Don’t, it’s for selfish reasons. I’m only doing stuff because if I stop for a minute I go to pieces. I wish I could have a fucking drink.’
‘I can’t think of anything worse,’ Clara replied. ‘I’m too anxious. If I had a drink, I’d probably have a full-scale nervous breakdown.’
‘At least you’d get a little trip to the psych ward out of it. Lovely diazepam, get lots of colouring done.’
Annie was trying to make her smile, but Clara knew she didn’t deserve her friend’s kindness. Annie should be screaming at herfor not taking her concerns seriously back in the summer when Annie had wondered if something was up with Maggie.
‘Why didn’t Maggie get help?’ Clara swiped at the tears running down her cheeks. ‘Why didn’t she tell us?’
‘Maybe she was going to,’ Annie said quietly.
‘You said something was up and I fobbed you off.’ Clara’s shoulders shook as she tried to keep her sobs in check.
‘Please stop, Clara. I didn’t act either. I just—’ Annie fell silent.
‘Just what?’ Clara turned onto her side to face Annie.
‘It’s the stupidest thing. I can hardly bear to say it but I thought she didn’t look that thin, so she mustn’t be sick.’ Annie was looking at the ceiling and shaking her head. ‘Like, people with eating disorders look every kind of way, we all know this now. But she didn’t look the way she had back when we were younger and she was sick. So I just told myself she was fine. And then she seemed so good, so happy with the play and all.’
‘Do you think it’s been going on all these years?’ Clara shuddered to think of her friend, so utterly alone and locked in the savage cycle of that disease.
‘No.’ Annie was firm. ‘When me and Fionn spoke to the doctor, he was certain that this relapse hadn’t been going on longer than six months. He said he could tell from her teeth.’
‘Oh God.’ Clara hadn’t been eager to hear what the doctor had said. It killed her to think of all that Maggie’s poor body had endured. But maybe it was time she faced it. Clara had let it happen, after all. She didn’t deserve to be protected. ‘What did he say about her heart?’
Annie shifted her bump awkwardly so that she too was on her side facing Clara. ‘He said the arrhythmia could’ve been caused by extreme electrolyte imbalances during the first bout when Maggie was in her twenties and then when she was well for a long stretch it remained undetected. He said that Maggie’sinsight would be so compromised by the illness, she probably didn’t realise just how dangerous every purge was. She didn’t realise that she was literally rolling the dice on her life every time she made herself throw up.’
‘Fucking hell.’ Clara rubbed at her eyes. ‘How are we ever going to explain it to Dodi and Essie? They will hate us.’
