Page 109 of Such a Good Couple
Outside, Annie paced as the phone rang on Fionn’s end.
‘Annie.’ His voice cracked.
‘Hey.’ She didn’t know where to begin; he was already crying.
‘I’m so sorry, Annie.’ He choked out the words. ‘I’ve been in a complete blur. I didn’t even realise that literal days had passed. I’m such a fuck-up.’
‘You’re not,’ she said, though he didn’t seem to take this in.
‘How did I not see what was happening to her? It’d been so long since … everything that happened when we were young. I never even thought about it anymore. I’ve just been going around obsessed with my career. Oh God. The girls, Maggie. I’ve failed them.’
‘Please don’t say that, Fionn. We all failed. Not just you.’ She leaned back against the wall as the first few drops of rain began to fall.
CHAPTER 28
On Thursday morning, Clara pushed the key into the lock of the Miavita house, trying to steady her breath. Every time she’d opened this door over the last two weeks, she’d been dragged back to that morning and all the ways things could have been different.
She stepped over the threshold and the same thought that always came rose up once more.
Go straight upstairs, Clara. Now. Run.
It was too late, of course. Would these words visit her every time she came here for evermore? Probably.
‘Clara!’ Dodi appeared in the door of the playroom and Clara gathered her up in her arms. Through the child’s tangle of hair she could see Essie sitting on the carpet in front of the fireplace messing with some Magna-Tiles. When Maggie was alive, Clara had never really noticed how like their mother the twins were. The hair threw you off – they were fair like Fionn while Maggie had beautiful black hair – but Dodi and Essie had Maggie’s big, expressive eyes. Maggie’s eyes were so pretty – wide-set and round with a slight upward tilt at the edges. They’d made her look both innocent and mischievous all at once and now the girls each had an echo of this quintessentially Maggie expression.
‘No tutor today?’ Clara asked, trying to act somewhat normal.
‘Dad says we don’t have to do school yet.’
‘Right.’ Clara paused to listen for Fionn. She could hear the water running in the kitchen. She moved into the playroom.‘Maybe you guys might like having schoolwork again? It could pass the time.’
Dodi shrugged and Essie stayed quiet. Clara looked around the room that was stuffed practically to the ceiling with everything a child could dream of. They had a climbing wall installed up one of the alcoves and a miniature wooden tree house in the corner with a swing hanging beneath it. Boxes of Lego and dolls and even a small electric kid-sized convertible that actually drove around. The room had been exactly the same when she’d visited two days before, nothing had been touched.
‘I’m going to talk to your dad.’ Clara planted a kiss on each of their heads and went out to the kitchen.
‘Hey.’ Fionn was washing the breakfast dishes.
‘Heya,’ Clara replied, noticing the twin blades of his shoulders protruding through his greying T-shirt. Was it possible he looked even worse than he did forty-eight hours ago? ‘Have you eaten?’ she asked. ‘I bought pastries.’ She pulled two brown paper bags from her bag.
‘Thanks, Clara.’ He grabbed a tea towel and dried his hands. He sat down heavily at the table. ‘I know I look like shit.’ He gave a weak smile.
Clara passed him a pear and pecan plait and sat down as well. ‘You have to eat.’
‘I know.’ He leaned back and plucked a carton from the counter behind him. ‘My nutrition guy has me drinking these high-calorie, high-protein shakes three times a day. Edwin is worried about continuity so I have to get back to normal or I won’t look like the guy who started the movie.’
‘Edwin? As in weirdo director Edwin?’
‘Yeah.’ Fionn sounded unfathomably tired. ‘He’s been really supportive …’
‘Has he? Worrying about his movie’s continuity when your wife’s been gone barely a month doesn’t sound supportive. Heshould be looking out for you properly.’
‘Ah, I know how it sounds.’ He sighed. ‘But the whole production’s ground to a halt. The budget’s getting hammered. Guys on the crew who work by the day are losing money. I have to go back.’ He started to massage his jaw and Clara saw that even his knuckles looked oversized compared to his withered wrists and fingers.
‘Fionn, you don’t,’ she said emphatically. ‘You don’t have to do anything. Maybe you need to just settle here for a while, get the girls into actual school. Rest. Have a normal life for a bit.’
‘I want to. But I can’t just jump into a normal life, Clara. That’s the thing I finally understand about fame: you can’t turn it off. Look at how it’s been the last four weeks. Every day some magazine or website or dick on social media is giving their take on my life. Finn Strong does grieving. Finn Strong went missing. Finn Strong’s neglecting his children. Finn Strong made his wife miserable. Finn Strong isdatingagain – where the fuck did they getthat? Sources close to Finn Strong say he’s going off the rails. Finn Strong’s going to get the Oscar nomination out of pity. One website wrote an article about how much hotter I am now that I’m a widower. I can’t put the girls in school where anyone could say anything to them.’ His eyes flared with rage for a moment and then his face collapsed in on itself. ‘How is she gone, Clara?’ His head dropped and his shoulders shook with the contractions of silent grief. ‘I can’t stop feeling like I did this to her.’
‘Fionn, it’s so soon.’ Clara couldn’t think of a single other thing to say. It seemed pointless to tell him not to read the internet. Even more pointless to try and tell him things would get easier. She didn’t particularly believe it herself.
