Page 113 of Such a Good Couple
Conor dragged a hand nervously over his face. ‘Look, I’m ill-equipped to speak but I’m going to give this a shot.’
‘Good man, Conor,’ Ollie called encouragingly.
‘This … none of this … is how we thought it was going to be …’ He stopped and swigged his glass. Annie felt a pang for him; she’d never seen him look so uncertain, so lost. It made him look younger, which caused a further pang at the memory of young Conor holding a glass at a distant New Year’s Eve in the past. The scene in her mind was dim as though degraded by time, but she knew they had all been there together, brimming with anticipation of another year unfolding before them.
Now they were together but on the precipice of a future they were dreading. A future that only seemed to promise an eternal ache and the fathomless guilt she knew they were all feeling. The baby kicked and she instinctively put her hand to the spot. Of course it wasn’t all dread but it was all unknown.
‘I guess,’ Conor continued, ‘I’m trying to say that none of us ever thought something like this could happen but we have tostay together. I don’t want us to lose any more than we just have. I don’t want to become those college friends who just see each other for drinks at Christmas or whatever.’
‘We won’t,’ Clara said vehemently. ‘We just can’t, frankly. I would lose my mind.’
Beside her, Ollie nodded vigorously, putting his arm around Fionn, who gave a slightly tortured smile.
Annie was uncomfortably aware of Rachel’s stillness beside her. This must be awkward for her. She could participate in neither their grief nor their reimagining of the future. Annie didn’t want to look at her and risk drawing attention to these facts. Instead she brushed the back of Rachel’s hand with her fingers and Rachel gently nudged her head closer to Annie’s in acknowledgement. Though acknowledgement of what? Since the day they had searched for Fionn and tentatively kissed, they hadn’t kissed again but Annie knew Rachel was trying to give her space. Annie’s fury had burned itself out and been replaced by a sort of numb sadness. The thoughts of life without Maggie seemed flat and colourless. Even feeling excited for the baby was confusing, the happiness faltering when it encountered her sadness.
Rachel had more or less said that this wasn’t the time for their story to begin, and while Annie understood and even agreed in principle, in the weeks since their conversation doubt had crept in. Was Rachel holding off because she had changed her mind? Or, as Annie desperately hoped, because life was just too upended and confusing right then?
Fionn crossed the room to hug Conor and turned back to the rest of them. ‘I … guys … thank you for being here.’ He pushed his hands through his hair. ‘And … thank you for not … blaming me for … you know.’ Tears dampened his eyes.
‘Fionn,’ Annie struggled to her feet and Conor darted forward to make sure she didn’t need help, ‘don’t say that! Look,’ shetook a breath, ‘in a way we’re all to blame and none of us is to blame. Maggie had a disease and we thought she was better and it came back and we all missed it, not just you …’
‘I just don’t want any of us to ever be as alone as she was in those last months.’ Fionn’s voice started to catch and Conor gathered him into his arms, then picked up where Fionn had left off.
‘Look, we have to tell each other everything from now on,’ he said forcefully. ‘Good things, bad things. Everything. We know now that there is such a thing as “too late”. We have to tell each other that we love each other every chance we get. Friends don’t say it enough.’
‘Okay, but we’re not saying it to asicklyextent, right?’ Clara, Annie could see, was blinking away tears and trying to smile.
‘Not to a sickly extent.’ Annie nodded solemnly and then grinned. She turned to Fionn. ‘It wasn’t all terrible at the end, you know. She was so happy creating again. That’s something, isn’t it?’
‘Yeah,’ Fionn said faintly.
‘Itissomething.’ Clara was vehement. ‘And yer man, Drew, the producer, wants to still make the play happen so other people will see her work and find out how talented she was.’
Annie felt hope glimmer among them all in the room. There would be a certain magic in seeing Maggie’s art. ‘That would be amazing,’ she breathed.
‘Yes.’ Fionn nodded. ‘He said the script needs only minimal tweaks and the director is game to do those. I’ll get a final look to make sure Maggie’s original vision is protected. I have the notes she was keeping and everything. They’re still planning to open in New York in October.’
‘So we’re all going to New York then,’ Annie said firmly, cradling her bump. For a moment she allowed herself to picture cradling her baby in a sling, walking through the chilly blue-skydays of autumn in Manhattan. Some day in the future when life might feel right again. Hopefully.
She and Rachel got home just after 1 a.m. and Annie found she could barely drag herself up the stairs.
‘I think they’re getting too steep for you,’ Rachel said, hanging up their coats.
‘I can manage!’ Annie reached to grip the banister and accidentally bumped her belly in the process. ‘Oh God, I’m getting too big for this house, that’s the real problem.’
‘You’re like a zeppelin in a condom!’ Rachel mugged, and Annie laughed. And then realised it was the first time in six weeks that she’d laughed without simultaneously thinking,How can I laugh right now?
Rachel must’ve seen something in her face. ‘Are you okay?’ she asked.
‘Yeah,’ Annie whispered. ‘I just … I think …’ She struggled to explain. ‘I think I just felt kind of normal for a second there. Maybe being with the others helped …’
‘Oh, Annie.’ Rachel moved up the stairs to take her hand. ‘I understand, you know. When you lose someone, it’s like the world doesn’t fit you anymore. You’re out of step with everyone else. In a weird way, it makes a funny kind of sense. The person’s missing, so the world has changed shape. But the moments of feeling normal will start to come more and more and then they knit together. That’s how the world eventually starts to fit right again.’
Annie listened, but she was distracted by the loveliness of Rachel’s grey-green eyes in the half-light of the hall.
‘Rachel? You haven’t changed your mind, have you? Obviously it’s okay if you have. It’s okay if you’re straight … or whatever …’
Rachel didn’t so much as blink at the sudden switch in conversation; she held Annie’s gaze serenely. ‘I dunno if I’m straight or bi or what. But I know I’m yours, Annie. All yours.’
