Page 23 of Such a Good Couple
Maggie’d forgotten how easy it was talking to Ollie. Rather than rush in with desperate reassurances, he gave a lot of space for people to share.
‘You know he adores you, right? You don’t feel like there’s something actually going on?’ He pulled his hands through his hair, looking worried.
‘No.’ Maggie stabbed at another chunk of melon just to have something to do. ‘But … it’s still hard.’
‘I know.’ Ollie pressed his lips together. ‘You should know, though … you don’t look as old as Nosferatu. You look like his cute little sister.’
Maggie laughed, but he fixed her with a serious look and she was reminded that, being one of Fionn’s closest friends, he’d had a ringside seat to some of the worst fallout from her eating disorder. He’d even come to the hospital, which she’d never allowed Annie or Clara to do. She would’ve barred Ollie too onlyhe’d just showed up. But sometimes you needed those people – the people who didn’t ask and just showed up – during the hard times in life.
He leaned down to her. ‘Are you doing okay?’
‘Yeah, of course!’
‘Maggie …’ he said gently.
‘I am! Genuinely.’
‘Because the last time …’
‘Ollie. Stop. I am fine.’ She smiled. ‘You’re being way over-protective! This is Fionn’s gig and I am cool with it 99.99999 per cent of the time; I was just joking around.’
He held her gaze for a moment more, then straightened up. ‘Okay, okay! I’m gonna have a quick shower. See how Clara’s getting on with Reggie. She never even came back to our room last night.’
Ollie was only gone a few seconds when Clara appeared, followed by Annie.
‘Just saw Ollie, he looked fresh off some vigorous masturbating.’ Clara collapsed into a chair.
‘He’s been for a jog!’ Maggie laughed, despite the fact that her previous calm was now being replaced by an uncomfortable fullness, and with it the inevitable recriminations.Why did I do that? Why am I so gross and weak?She remembered her old doctor in college trying to gently coach her through feeling full after she’d gotten back on the path to recovery and was learning to eat normally again. Whateverthatwas. Did any woman of their generation really eat normally? she often wondered. Even if you weren’t explicitly on a diet, was there a woman alive who didn’t overthink every little thing she put in her mouth?
‘Feeling full is just a physical sensation,’ her doctor had advised. ‘Lots of people eat to the point of feeling full and it isnot a character weakness, Maggie.’ But to Maggie this bursting, impacted state felt like powerful evidence of her own greed. It seemed like irrefutable proof that she was what her illness told her she was: a fundamentally disgusting person. The purge was the remedy to this, and with the lightness and emptiness of the purge came a sense of control and safety and power. If only that feeling could stay, but invariably the hunger returned and the cycle repeated. And repeated. Until it felt out of her hands. That was, she’d reluctantly come to accept, the problem with the system. All the initial sense of control soon morphed into something much darker and more relentless. At the height of it, she could lose hours to eating and purging, eating and purging until her throat felt shredded and her stomach could handle no more.
Annie leaned over to pour a cup of coffee. ‘If Ollie’s up with the larks and out masturbating in public at forty-two, then I can only commend him,’ she said with a tight smile She paused mid-pour and looked up at the house, before continuing in a quiet voice, ‘Conor didn’t even finish last night.’
‘Oh.’ Clara looked disconcerted at this uncharacteristic frankness from Annie. ‘God, I’m sorry, Annie. What’s going on? Is it a … medical thing?’
‘No, I think it’s a, I dunno, pressure thing. There’s just so much riding on every … ride, you know?’ Annie pressed her lips into a grim smile, shaking her head.
Clara stood and went over to Annie to put her arms around her, while Maggie debated how to phrase her next words. ‘You guys have been on this road a while,’ she started. ‘It’s understandable the stress is affecting you both. Do you think it’s time to try another way?’
Annie was still focused on the coffee, but over the top of Annie’s head Maggie could see Clara’s eyes flick towards her. But she couldn’t quite read her expression. Was therea warning there? Or something like irritation? Maggie shifted nervously, readjusting her waistband, trying to relieve some of her discomfort from the food.
‘Stuff like that is expensive in Ireland, Maggie.’ Clara sounded vaguely accusatory and a sudden rash of anxiety spread through Maggie’s chest.
‘I know, I’m sorry.’ Maggie immediately regretted saying this in front of Clara. Clara, Maggie suspected, was the most resentful of Fionn and Maggie’s money.
Maggie reached for Annie’s hand and gave it what she hoped was a supportive squeeze. She wanted to add,Please let us pay.But the way the atmosphere had suddenly become leaden convinced her this was not the way to go.
The buzz of her phone abruptly seized all their attention. The screen filled with Fionn’s chiselled face, signalling an incoming video call.
‘What the fuck,’ Maggie yelped. ‘He didn’t say he was going to video call me.’
‘Ugh.’ Clara returned to her seat. ‘Aphonecallwithout prior text is a violence, nevermindavideocall. At least it’s just Fionn.’
Her snippiness had seemingly dissipated. Thank God, it was only day two. Maggie couldn’t hack an extended Clara mood.
‘I can’t answer this.’ Maggie held the phone away from her. ‘I look like shit.’
‘What?’ Annie looked incredulous. ‘For starters, you don’t. And secondly, he is your literal husband. Who cares what you look like? It’s just Fionn.’
