Page 28 of Such a Good Couple
‘Oh my God, I was joking!’ Maggie turned towards her. ‘She’snot gonna kiss someone!’
Annie frowned. ‘I wouldn’t be so sure,’ she said darkly. ‘Weknowhow kamikaze she can be. And they’ve got kids!’
‘Well, Ollie’s clearly not thinking about that if he’s texting someone. Fionn’s not giving it a thought when he’s doing his “radio silence on set” schtick. Men just … like … spit kids out their dicks and then get to carry on with their lives.’ Maggie stopped abruptly. ‘Shit, sorry, that came out badly. I’m so sorry, Annie. I’m so sorry you are going through all this.’
‘We’re all in the shit on this holiday all of a sudden, aren’t we?’ Annie sighed. ‘Though I think Clara’s probably winning. Or losing?’
Just then a chant started up in the direction Clara had gone in.
‘Straights! Straights! Straights! Straights! Straights!’
Maggie got to her feet to check it out just as a small crowd of giddy men passed, flocking to the source of the commotion.
Annie stood and intercepted one of them. ‘What’s going on?’
He paused, beaming. ‘Well, word’s gone round that there’s a guy and a girl kissing and grinding on each other up by the bar. Straights! At the tea dance! It’s got to be a first! A blue moon event!’ he finished breathlessly, then hurried on, pulling his phone out from the band of his gold lamé Speedos.
‘Well, that Revenge Shift took all of five seconds,’ Annie said as she and Maggie made their way after the guy, his little gold-clad ass cheeks providing a guiding beacon through the crowd.
At the centre, where the chanting was at a fever pitch, Clara was indeed kissing a young guy in miniscule shorts and a green plastic visor, though the grinding had been something of an exaggeration. A few people had phones out and were photographing the ‘historic’ event. Clara and the boy pulled apart, laughing, and even posed for a few of the pictures.
‘She took my virginity,’ the guy yelled, while Clara ruffled hishair and sauntered off to the bar.
‘She is Mother.’ Geraldo had reappeared beside them and was gazing adoringly at Clara’s back. ‘That was straight excellence. Not even Gaga could get a guy in here to kiss her whenshecame!’
‘How did Clara manage it?’ Maggie wondered.
Annie just shook her head. ‘I don’t know but it’s going to beimpossibleto get her out of here now that she’s queen of the place.’
Forty minutes later, as predicted, trying to extract Clara from the club was proving incredibly difficult.
‘Clara, it’s nearly 6 p.m. The car has come for us,’ Annie pleaded, while Maggie gathered their things from the cabana. ‘Fionn’s arrived and we’re supposed to be doing his surprise thing.’
‘Okay, okay.’ Clara finished taking a selfie with three young guys in feather boas. ‘But am I or am I not a legend? People are asking for my autograph! I just signed a literal penis.’
‘You’re a legend,’ Maggie said obediently.
In the car on the way back to the house, Annie discreetly updated Rachel on the latest drama as, beside her, Clara’s giddiness was palpably draining. It figured. As the house came closer, so too did the ever-evolving shitshow that this holiday was morphing into. Conor hadn’t texted all day. Ollie meanwhile had been obliviously dropping snaps into the group chat of them and the kids snorkelling and eating ice creams the size of their heads.
Across from Annie, Maggie was the only one in any way perky, no doubt eager to finally get some time with her husband.
‘Okay.’ Maggie was leaning over to Clara. ‘Come on, spill. What did you tell that poor boy to make him score you?’
‘Honestly, I just told him about the text and my sad-as-fuck life,’ Clara said plainly, ‘and he agreed to kiss me.’
Annie and Maggie said nothing.
‘God. A gay man kissed me, that’s how sorry for me he felt. That’s really saying something about the whole situation, isn’t it?’
‘Well, the gays are the best among us,’ Annie consoled her. A buzz on her lap drew her eye to the phone and she unlocked it. Rachel’s reply made her smile despite the mood:
I hope Clara appreciates what a good friend you are. I’m not sure hanging out at a gay bar is making the most of the fertility window. Though I’m happy Clara got her Revenge Shift … I think?!
Annie grinned, then, while she had her phone in hand, tossed off a quick message to Conor:
Quick conjugal before dinner? No presh but also … presh! Tick tock.
When they pulled up outside the house Fionn was waiting for them, holding a daughter in each arm.
