Page 39 of Such a Good Couple
‘I’m sorry, Annie.’ Conor sounded distraught. ‘But all this has changed us, you can’t pretend it hasn’t.’
Despite the pain in her chest and the airless choke of sudden sadness, the moment had a strange inevitability about it. This inevitability settled down around her like a shroud. It was as though she’d seen this conversation play out already somewhere deep in her subconscious during long nights awake and alone in the dark. The thoughts of this moment had even scurried beneath the surface of her busy daytime thoughts.
She moved to sit beside Conor on the bed, her limbs suddenly leaden. She couldn’t summon words, perhaps because at the same time as her sadness was rising, so too was a thrummingrage.
‘Annie?’ Conor was tentative. ‘Please say something.’ He took her right hand and Annie stared down dispassionately. He continued, ‘You had to know this was coming. I thought you’d maybe be the one to say it first.’
At this, Annie withdrew her hand. ‘No, Conor. You don’t get to act like this is mutual. You don’t get to put this back on me.’ She kept her voice even. She was not a scene-maker, never had been. And after all the indignity of the last year when she’d practically had to beg him to have sex with her every month, she wasn’t going to stoop any lower, she wasn’t going to scream and cry. If this was truly it for them, she was walking away with her back straight and some modicum of composure.
Conor was now twisting his hands awkwardly in his lap. ‘I’m sorry, Annie, I really am. I didn’t do this … deliberately. I swear. When we started, a family with you was all I wanted but this thing has taken over every part of our relationship … We’re different people now. I’ve been trying to figure out how to say it …’
Annie shook her head. ‘You’ve wasted so much of my time. You were the one putting it off.’
Conor dropped his head to his hands. ‘But it’s been so bad between us, you can’t deny that. What would a baby have done to us? Look at the state of our friends’ marriages. Babies are renowned for making thingsmorechallenging, not fixing things.’
‘So we needed to be fixed?’
We did.The thought prodded at her even though she didn’t want to accept it.We did, we did, we didwent the sorry refrain.
‘And what?’ Annie spoke as calmly as she could. ‘Now it’s too late to be fixed?’
‘We’ve both changed.’ He made to reach out to her again and Annie swerved, evading his touch. She stood and backed awayfrom him.
‘I am going to be forty-one this year, Conor. This … what you’re doing here … this will ruin my life. You realise that. I will probably never have a baby now. You’re taking that away from me.’
‘Annie, listen to what you’re saying. If that is your immediate thought here, then it’s true. You don’t want to be with me anymore. You only care about what I can give you. And that makes me feel like shit and has done for a long time now. All you think of is how hard it’s been for you but you’ve never once thought about what it must be like for me. What it’s like to know that all you are is a means to an end in someone else’s grand plan.’
His words pierced Annie – there was truth in this statement, she couldn’t pretend otherwise. He was right, and in a bid to turn away from this unpleasant truth she moved to the wardrobe and pulled out her suitcase, which was still half-full.
‘Annie, don’t pack.’ Conor held up his hands. ‘I should be the one to go. Look, Ollie and I talked on the ride back tonight and we’re going to stay on the yacht for the rest of the trip.’
Annie wheeled around. ‘You can’t just call it quits on a twenty-year relationship in one fifteen-minute conversation, Conor. We have a life together. We’re basically, for all intents and purposes, married. We have a home together.’ She was aware her calm facade was crumbling and she consciously tried to slow her breathing.
‘I know that, Annie. I’m sorry. I really am. It’s just … how I feel.’
How could she argue with that? You couldn’t talk someone back into loving you.
‘Well, I wish you had figured out how youfeltat literally any time before this.’
He nodded silently, causing Annie’s rage to rev up. ‘God,you’re being so fuckingfineabout this. How long have you been planning to break up? Because your timing is franklybaffling. We’re on a goddamn holiday.’
‘I know.’ He had the decency to look shame-faced. ‘I had thought that we would talk it out when we got back. I didn’t realise that you were going to be ovulating. And trying to … you know …try.’
‘It’s on the shared calendar,’ she snapped. ‘If you had ever bothered to engage with the process, you’d know this.’
He looked pained as he pinched the bridge of his nose, a gesture of his that Annie had always felt looked somewhat priggish.Won’t have to look atthatanymore in my new barren future, she thought bitterly.
He sighed and shook his head. ‘It’s 2 a.m. I think we should get some rest. Tomorrow’s going to be hell, what with Ollie and Clara.’
‘And us,’ Annie said flatly.
‘And … us,’ he echoed quietly.
‘Can’t wait for breakfast,’ she said sarcastically.
‘Em, we might try to get out of here by then. Brody said he’d send a boat for us as early as possible to bring us out to the yacht.’
Annie exhaled sharply. ‘You have it all figured out. No mess, no fuss. Nothing sticks to you. You’re Teflon, aren’t you?’
