Page 61 of Such a Good Couple
‘I feel better than I thought I would,’ Annie continued. ‘I had a real low the week before last when I got my period. At least it was a pretty light one, the universe giving me a break for once. I didn’t put it in Slags For Life. I just needed to be quiet withthe feeling or something. Like I’m grieving the thing I thought I’d have – a family and whatever. But I also have this feeling of … a kind of release. There’s this space opening up in my mind of “okay, if not this, then what do I want the rest of my life to look like?”’
‘That’s really good, Annie.’ Maggie spoke softly so as not to disrupt her friend’s train of thought.
‘I was reading this thing that said that the most intolerable state for humans is uncertainty. That we would literally prefer a bad outcome over having to live in a state of not knowing. I really get that. I feel like the bad thing has happened now and, as shitty as it is, now I know and I don’t have to be in this constant state of waiting anymore. Living my life on tenterhooks.’
‘I get that, sweetie.’
Annie’s eyes seemed to come back into focus then. She turned and smiled at Maggie. ‘I know it’s only been a couple of weeks but I’m loving living with Rachel. It reminds me of our twenties, hanging out on the couch for hours on end just talking shite.’
Maggie nodded. ‘Sounds nice.’
‘Though obviously there’s still so much to get my head around. I’ve been with Conor my entire adult life. Like even on a good day, I’ve about twenty “what the hell has happened?” moments … Anyway, all we’ve talked about is me and Clara’s fuckery. How’s everything been since Provincetown? Did Fionn stick around after the party or did he have to go back to yer man’s shack?’
‘Eh, he was sort of back and forth.’ Maggie kept her tone breezy, though the reality was that it’d been a lot more back than forth. ‘Things seem to be getting going on that project and Fionn’s excited.’ Maggie could think of nothing else to say about the trip that wouldn’t sound super depressing:I watched my daughters play on the beach from under a large hat and towel so no more pictures of my body would appear online; I snuckinto town one night in a baseball cap and sunglasses to buy donuts and Doritos because, by that point, I couldn’t ask the staff to get me any more ‘snacks for the kids’.
‘Did you know that Selena Crossan has a play on in the Regent?’ Maggie asked.
Annie shivered. ‘Will we get out? My hands are numb.’
‘Yeah.’ Maggie nodded and began swimming back to the steps.
When they reached the top of the steps and were squeezing the water from their hair, Maggie decided to probe again. ‘So? Selena?’
‘Oh, yeah.’ Annie straightened up. ‘Yup. She’s definitely doing good.’
‘She was always good at networking,’ Maggie sniffed, heading for the towels.
‘She was,’ Annie agreed.
‘Is the play any good?’ Maggie swiped her towel over her body.
‘I haven’t gone.’ Annie shrugged.
‘If I wasn’t flying out later, I’d actually go,’ Maggie said. ‘See what the “most bold and exciting voice in theatre right now” has to say.’
‘Maggie …’ Annie seemed to be searching for the right way to articulate her next words.
‘Yeah?’ Maggie pulled on the kaftan and felt relieved that she could relax her stomach finally.
‘Why don’tyoumake something? Like Selena?’
‘Selena doesn’t have kids.’ Maggie pushed her hair back roughly. ‘Kids just suck away all your time. And your brain is just mush—’ She stopped abruptly, seeing Annie’s gentle concern drop from her face. ‘Sorry. I’m being really insensitive. It’s not just the brain mush,’ Maggie hurried on. ‘If I do something, it’s just going to be sonothingcompared to Fionn. And eitherpeople will feel sorry for me and think I have this little vanity project paid for by my husband, or if I make something actually good, no one will think I succeeded in my own right.’
Annie was dressed now and stepping into her runners. ‘Maggie, I’m saying this with love – even though I deserve a Nobel Prize for life-coaching my millionaire friend …’ Annie was smiling, and Maggie could see she wasn’t being snippy.
‘Go on.’ Maggie nodded faintly.
‘You have something no artist has.’
‘Talent?’ Maggie ventured hopefully.
‘A full staff,’ Annie deadpanned, and Maggie laughed.
‘Okay, okay.’ Maggie threw her hands up in submission. ‘I know I can make time. A lot of time. But maybe that’s what’s so intimidating? I’ve no excuse if it’s just shit. Also, I wouldn’t know where to start. I’m out of practice. I’ve wasted years. While Selena Fucking Crossan was getting established, I was trying to deal with having twin babies in a tiny flat in London and then I was looking after our daughters while trailing around after my A-list husband. It probably doesn’t sound like a good excuse on paper but after Fionn’s career took off, our whole life seemed to accelerate to this crazy pace.’
‘Just start,’ Annie insisted. ‘Get yourself an office when you get back to LA. Start seeing theatre again. Look for a story you want to tell. You were amazing at this, Maggie.’
Even after the optimistic chats with Annie, by late afternoon, Maggie was stressed. The house was back in order but the packing was getting on top of her. She had also spent a few ill-advised minutes googling Selena and learned that not only was she ‘the most bold and exciting voice in theatre right now’, she had also been awarded the Rooney Prize the previous summer. This was one of the most prestigious honours in the arts inIreland. To top it all off, Fionn had ‘nipped out’ exactly three hours ago to show Saint, Hugo and Seb ‘a few spots’.
