Page 66 of Such a Good Couple
Rachel giggled and Annie felt a giddy swoop – she loved making her laugh.
‘Anyway,’ Annie pushed her hair behind her ears, ‘I think going it alone sounds really intimidating.’ Then rushed to add, ‘Of course, I think you’re amazing to be doing it – Reggie, stop giving that bird the finger,’ Annie yelled.
‘Yeah …’ Rachel looked a little sad, staring down at the path they were taking that had brought them to a small pond where the more docile children of other families were gently feedingthe ducks.
‘What?’ Annie felt a spike of alarm. ‘Is everything okay? I’ve said the wrong thing.’
‘Ah no, you haven’t said the wrong thing. I was kind of putting off telling you …’ Rachel sounded flat and Annie stopped walking, reaching for Rachel’s arm.
But before Rachel could say any more, Tom had bounded up to them. ‘How do you kill an animal without marking their body?’ he asked cheerfully.
‘Ah.’ Annie struggled to adjust to this new conversational direction. ‘I guess … asphyxiation?’
Tom skipped off back to his brothers. ‘Annie said asphyxiation too.Toldyou I was right.’
‘I maybe shouldn’t have answered that? Though apparently he knew,’ Annie mused, and then refocused. ‘What’s happened?’
‘So the determination on my last application came through and I didn’t get the Declaration of Eligibility and Suitability. The financials and lack of partner are scuppering me.’
‘Oh darl.’ Annie stood in front of Rachel and placed her hands on her friend’s shoulders. ‘That’s just so fucking unfair. What’re the next steps, then?’
‘The next steps for me are …’ Rachel paused and rubbed her face. ‘To call it a day.’
‘Seriously?’
‘I just don’t have the will anymore, to be honest. It feels a bit hopeless. I think I need to probably sit with the idea that this isn’t going to be my path. In my therapy session, we talked about it and it’s been useful. I can see that there is joy in both outcomes: having kids or not having kids. And there’s loss in both outcomes too.’
‘But what about the international options? There could be … a route that way, no?’ Annie tried to remember the adoption info she’d seen during late-night googling back when she’d firststarted worrying that it wasn’t going to happen for her and Conor.
Rachel shook her head. ‘From what others on the forums are saying, you need a rake of cash for international. It’s so frustrating.’ She pressed her hands to her eyes.
‘Would you foster?’
Rachel shook her head. ‘I dunno, that’s a whole other thing. And right now, it’s all just taken it out of me. All the disappointments.’ She looked at Annie. ‘I know you understand.’
Annie nodded grimly and pulled Rachel to her, the sadness spreading through her. ‘We could get a hamster,’ she muttered.
Rachel pulled back. There were tears in her eyes, though she was managing a tremulous smile. ‘Hamsters die at the drop of ahat. They can die from stress. Stress, Annie! What are they so stressed about?’
‘Probably climate change.’ Annie gave a solemn nod, and Rachel laughed.
Annie’s phone buzzed and she took it out to see a new message from Clara.
Clara: Success. We are Kos-bound in less than two weeks, baby!
Annie showed Rachel the text.
‘Now, there’s a woman who doesn’t stress about anything,’ Rachel said, with a degree of admiration.
‘She could probably do with worrying just a shade more.’ Annie turned back towards the park and set off to round up the boys.
A few days later, Annie sat at the kitchen table, troubled. According to the app in her phone, her period was late.
As the darkness gathered outside, she hunched over,examining the calendar, checking that her previous period was marked in on the 18th of July. It was now Friday the 22nd of August. Just about a week late. She put the phone down and began spinning it nervously.
I’m not pregnant, I can’t be.She pushed the thought away because a) it wasn’t possible and b) because the tiny bubble of hope that was already insistently expanding inside her would only hurt more when it inevitably popped. She’d been down this road so many times and knew what the fallout of hope was – sickening, crushing disappointment.
Why is it so late? Could there be something wrong with me?
