Page 89 of Such a Good Couple
‘I know!’ Fionn had pulled himself into a protective foetal position on the couch beside her. ‘Jesus Christ. Isn’t that assault?’
‘They’re all release-formed to the hilt,’ Maggie reminded him.
The show was cutting between the arrival of paramedics and the Confession Pods where other cast members were expressing shock after the fact.
‘Mary’s been worn down by his prickery,’ Ollie said solemnly.
‘She should be arrested.’ Richie and Darina were appalled.
‘She should be president!’ Clara told the camera. ‘Of theworld,’ she added.
The show cut back to an anxious-looking paramedic. ‘The prognosis?’ He ran a hand over his mouth. ‘Penile trauma. A lot of bruising. A lot of pain.’
‘Is there any sign that it has detached?’ Jez asked seriously.
‘No.’ The man shook his head. ‘The penis goes very … how’d you say? Deep? Deep into the body. He is not a very happy man, though. It’s a strange game you play, no?’ He made the sign of the cross.
Comments on social media were exploding as Maggie watched crew members cutting the rope between the cinder block and Derek, who was lying screaming on a stretcher. Mary was standing placidly nearby.
@clang82: I did not have Mary doing a DIY peen-ectomy on my 2025 bingo card. #DivorceIsland
@jenodwyer: Not Derek getting dicked over. #Deserved #DivorceIsland
@hoorayforniamh: I’m with Clara, Mary for president. I know we love Ollie and Clara but Mary’s got to win, she’s earned it. #DivorceIsland
The scene cut to Mary in the Confession Pod. She shrugged and stared into the camera. ‘I can’t say I wouldn’t do it again.’
‘Oh my God.’ Maggie snorted. She checked Slags For Life; still no sign of Clara but Annie’d messaged.
Annie: My preggo nausea cannot TAKE THIS. Ahhhhhhh.
She had snapped a picture of herself and Rachel pulling disgusted faces with the show on in the background.
Maggie replied with a picture of Fionn curled on the couchwith an anguished look on his face with the caption: He’s taking it very hard.
Voiceover from Jez Fuller took them through a whirlwind montage of the subsquent twelve hours in which cast members went to bed, rose for breakfast and then readied themselves for the closing ceremony. During this, footage showed Mary travelling to the hospital to help Derek into a wheelchair and bring him back to the altar on the beach.
Several of the men tried to help Mary drag Derek across the sand but the new, steely Mary was having none of it – she pulled the wheelchair backwards, tipping a screaming Derek out twice during the journey to the altar.
‘Good God, this is sensational TV.’ Fionn laughed. ‘I should’ve got in as a producer when I had the chance. This show is gonna run forever – it’ll be a worldwide franchise in months, I’d say.’
On the TV, Jez began to invite each couple to the altar.
‘Wanna call it?’ Fionn asked, still cupping his genitals.
‘No, I don’t want to “call it”, these are our friends,’ Maggie replied.
Fionn sat up. ‘Don’t worry. This is meaningless, Maggie. Even if they choose divorce, Ollie won’t do it. He’s mad about her. And she loves him. Life stuff just got on top of them.’
Maggie glanced at him. Did he have any of that insight when it came to their marriage?
A moment later, as Ollie and Clara kissed on screen, Maggie caught her own tears with her fingertips. ‘I’m so relieved.’
Fionn hugged her close. ‘Me too!’
The show wrapped with the unsurprising announcement that Mary and Derek had won their divorce, which Clara and Ollie, on camera together in the Confession Pod, both said was absolutely deserved.
When asked what was next for them, they seemed a bitflummoxed. Clara spoke eventually. ‘I suppose we’ll be doing the “work” part of “making it work”, won’t we?’
