Page 74 of A Kiss From Death
I hesitantly nod, which sets his body at ease. His shoulders relax, and the worry lines on his forehead wash away. He plops a soft kiss to my temple, and I fight the mixed emotions of grief, betrayal, longing, and death taking over my mind.
“Ladies and gentlemen, we have ourselves a winning team!” the Empress shouts as Jade and Tank appear at her sides, their fists raised, waving to the Illuminists who have been watching the game to later broadcast.
Hade guides our boat back to shore with his shadows and helps me out, gently placing me back on solid ground. I take a glance over my shoulder to see the Vanquisher tasked as Ray’s guard guiding her boat to the opposite side of the water’s edge, plopping her back on solid ground and marching her out of the Bubble to Empress knows where.
I yearn to run after her, needing one last moment, a proper goodbye. I’m not ready to let go of another soft spot that wedged its way into my dead soul. I attempt to take a step in her direction, a list of parting words and praises on the tip of my tongue, but I halt when she turns to look at me right at the edge of the Bubble. She gives me an easy smile of farewell while mouthing the word ‘flowers’. I stand frozen as I watch her walk away, and my heart gains another fissure next to the others littering its surface.
Just as her body is about to slip out of the Bubble, she gives me one final glance, and I shoot her a small smile in return, mouthing the word ‘flowers’ back. It draws a beautiful giggle out of her, even while striding towards death’s door. Deep in my heart, I know we will meet again in the next life, and the one after that, for the rest of eternity.
The Empress clears her throat and then gestures to the chanting crowd outside the Bubble. “I think we’ve had enough gore for today, and I’m quite famished, so my Vanquishers will dispose of today’s loser in the dungeons. Rest up, because there are still two rounds standing between you and being crowned this year’s Reaper Crucible champion.”
The need to rip her throat out returns full force as I contemplate getting the job done right now. Who complains about being famished when the life of an innocent is about to be brutally taken?
My body vibrates with rage, the calm Hade washed over me disappearing as fast as it came. I want to scream and cry and plead with the gods for a different fate. I want to kill and maim and become the embodiment of destruction, but the loss of anotherfriend mostly makes me want to curl into a ball and never emerge again. Death is becoming all too familiar.
Death is just a five-letter word, yet it consumes my entire existence, driving me to the brink of becoming the word itself. And the day that happens, I pray for all those who stand in my way.
Ihurl my body through my door, Hade following close behind. Today’s events slam into me like a fist, and I finally break. It’s all too much, leaving no more room in my head to fit another devastating blow. Everything I’ve ignored finally comes crashing in like a tidal wave. Theo, Hudson, and now Ray. When is it enough? When will people stop being ripped from my grasp too soon? When will my heart beat without it being excruciatingly painful?
My chest heaves, unable to draw air into my lungs as I suffocate on all the pain. Broken breaths rip from my mouth as a panic attack grips me. I bend over, trying to catch my breath, bracing my hand on the edge of my bed.
I feel like my skin is suffocating me, trapping me beneath a wall of black as a haze starts to dance in my eyes. The pain is drawing me under, and I feel content to let it swallow me whole so I may never have to feel anythingever again.
A warm hand lands on my back, slowly dragging up and down my spine. “Breathe for me, Nyxi,” he says in a strong yet defeated tone. “How can I help? What do you need?”
I go to open my mouth, but my breath lodges in my throat, making me gasp for air as the tears finally break through. The crack in my wall turns into a full blown break as tears flood through, finally set free. I’m hysterical and inconsolable, a pit of darkness with no light on the horizon.
“It’s too much,” I choke out through the tears. “It’s not fair,” I say on another sob, scrambling to catch my breath.
“Shhh, beautiful, I know.” He strokes my hair and draws me into his warm chest. “Right now, though, all I care about is you,” he whispers into my hair. “What normally calms you down?”
“The lake,” I heave between breaths. “Being under the night sky has always been calming,” I admit easily.
Memories of spending warm summer nights with Theo at the lake under the stars assaults me. It always seemed to call to me, to draw away the darkness that liked to sweep in at times. Theo always saw when the walls started to cave in on me. He would whisk me away to the lake until the darkness turned into belly laughs and memories that are ingrained in my brain forever.
Thinking back to some of my favorite memories, my breathing evens out the slightest so I’m able to catch my breath. Emboldened by my emotions, I decided to share a little chunk of myself with the man who seems to have taken over the role of my anchor.
“I used to visit there with someone special to me, and all my favorite memories reside there,” I admit as warmth envelops my heart.
“Theo?” Hade asks softy.
My heart lurches. I drag my face up, my red rimmed eyes meeting his soft ying yang ones. He looks at peace but also curious.
“How do you know that?” I ask—how does he know Theo? I certainly have never talked about it with him.
He gives me a casual smile and brushes the wet hair slicked to my face by tears off my cheeks. “The night I fixed up your ear,” he begins. “You passed out on me, and when I went to tuck you in, you called me Theo.” There’s no venom or anger in his tone. If anything, he seems content, like he’s getting to know a piece of me that came before him.
I nod—there’s no point in denying what he already knows. “Theo would take me to the lake so we could sit under the stars and feel free, alive.”
“Do you love him?” he questions while looking between my eyes with a softness I didn’t know the Cardinal could possess. He seems to surprise me at every turn when it comes to me and me only.
“I did. Very much,” I whisper. “Now, there’s a wall of stars between our love.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that,” Hade says against my temple, and I lean into his embrace, soaking in his words. “There is no void deeper than the crater love leaves behind in someone’s heart.”
He speaks as if he knows firsthand the catastrophic damage the absence of love can wreak on a soul. It brings up a slew of questions in me, but I shove them down, not wanting to add more fuel to the fire. Maybe another time, we can dig up our pasts. Right now, all I want to do is let go and not feel a thing.
I manage a nod as the last tear slowly falls down my cheek, my reserves all dried up. Hade scoops the lone tear with his finger, dragging it up and off my face. His thumb returns to my cheek in a sweeping motion, back and forth, as he smiles down at me. I could die happy in this moment, his smile a siren calling me home.
