Page 57 of Breakpoint
She looked deep within herself and said the words she could only say to her brother. “I’m scared, Brandon. Scared of what all of this and my feelings for her mean for me and our life. I’m scared of everyone in the world talking and knowing about us. And honestly, I’m scared about what they would say about her.”
“Jaz, you should know there’s going to be opinions regardless, so why don’t you just live your life? You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Besides, letting her walk away isn’t protecting her. It’s hurting her because she is just as heartbroken as you.”
Brandon was right. She didn’t have to hide, and more importantly, she no longer wanted to. Let people talk. How could she be anything other than proud to be with someone like Dani?
“I think Dani’s my person,” she admitted, swallowing a lump in her throat. Dani could infuriate her like no one else, but it was she that Jaz confided her deepest insecurities in. Who had given her space but also built the trust to talk about and work through her messy feelings. She could be authentically herself with Dani. She could be just Jazmine Mason, flaws and all, but at the same time be inspired to step out of her comfort zone. “Amazingly, bizarrely, she’s the one. It’s like all the things that used to drive me crazy about her are things I can’t get enough of now.”
“They say there’s a thin line between love and hate. And if you feel that way, then do something about it. You have someone who wants to give you her heart. Don’t throw it away again. Besides, the Jaz I know doesn't make the same mistake twice.”
“I don’t know how to do this, Brandon. To fix this? I’ve never had to pursue anyone?” Jaz stated, staring blankly at the TV, which was frozen on the image of Dani and Jess on the screen. Just looking at Dani made her heart ache, but in a way that reminded her just how much she meant to Jaz and that she didn’t want to be without her
“I hear most women like the truth and an ‘I’m sorry,’” Brandon replied.
Saying she was sorry was the easy part. Because she definitely was, and she would grovel on her knees if she had to get Dani to understand.
There was so much to figure out, but at least Jaz had confirmed one thing: wherever the future took her, she wanted Dani to be there, too. Because, despite everything. Despite the whole terrible, messy situation. Something that would have had her running from anyone else. She still wanted to make it work, more than anything else.
But how could she share with Brandon the other thing that had been weighing on her? The fire inside that used to rage for the game had started to dim, even before Dani came along. It started as a small trickle in the back of her mind, but now it was something she couldn’t ignore. She’d never had a serious injury, but things were getting harder. Her body was really aching most days of the week, and it was getting harder to do basic things. She learned early in her career to never talk openly about how her body was feeling, let than give any of her opponents an advantage. But she knew mentally and physically, she was not the same person.
“I’ve been thinking more and more about retirement. I just feel…tired, Brandon. Not just physically, because I know my body is breaking down. It’s like…the fire isn’t burning as bright anymore. It’s getting harder and harder to psych myself up to go out there and do it every match. Especially when my body often can’t do what I want it to do all the time. It’s like I’ve gotten smarter about the game but it’s harder to execute the things that I used to do at twenty-five without even thinking and it’sfuckinghard, Brandon.”
She thought he would be shocked, but his face showed he had suspected something. He knew her better than anyone, understood the silent language of her body, the minuscule tremors of doubt that rippled beneath her steely exterior. He nodded, his gaze unwavering. “Well, then retire. If you can’t play free and with purpose, then what was the point?”
“It’s not that easy.” And granted, mentally, even trying to process it was hard for Jaz as well. For the last twenty years, her life had been so regimented that her day was planned down to the minute. With training, meal prepping—and, well, more training—she could function on autopilot instead of focusing on making any decisions about her life. “I actually like the structure and routine that comes with being on tour. What else am I going to fill my time with? I’ve been Jazmine Mason, tennis pro, since I was a teenager. What am I, and who am I, if I’m not that?”
The question hung in the air, thick and suffocating. She was sure Brandon could see the fear in her eyes; the raw vulnerability she rarely allowed anyone to witness.
“Well, you can do whatever you want and be whatever you want now. You finally get to decide. I’m no longer making the choice for you. Please tell me you believe that there’s life after this? That we can all chart new paths.”
“But what about our family and you?” Her main motivation to succeed in tennis was a better life for her family.
“Jaz, we’re adults. We’ll all figure it out. You can figure out what you want without being scared out of your mind that we won’t make it. You don’t need to be our savior, but you can save yourself,” he said, as if it’s the easiest thing in the world. In his eyes,she could see the confidence that he had that everything was going to be okay.
His words made Jaz wonder. What was her motivation now? What was she playing for? What reason was tennis still in her life? She had more money than she could have ever dreamed of, and her family was well taken care of. She had accomplished so much, and for what? To be the best but go home alone every night, and the only people around were the ones on her payroll.
Tears welled up in her eyes, regardless. “We’ve never been apart, Brandon. You’re my best friend.” Since the day she was born, she’d had a built-in companion. As kids, he gave her the bottom bunk when she was afraid of heights and scared she was going to fall off. Then he later slept with her on the bottom bunk when she was afraid of the dark and thought the monsters under their bed would get her. He was her first hitting partner, first coach, and only manager.
They had done everything together, side by side. Traveled the world and climbed the mountaintop in the world of tennis. He was always there to make sure she was taken care of. He was her confidante, her rock, the only other person who understood the relentless pressure cooker of her life. Her lips trembled. “It's been us against the world. Who’s going to keep the monsters away?”
She could see the emotion on his face, and his eyes became red. He tried to speak, but his voice cracked on the first word. He blew out a long breath to compose himself, but his chin still wobbled with emotion. “Jazzy, I’ll always be your big brother. You’re my favorite person in the world and have been since before I could remember.” He stopped again, choking over his words. “But Ithink there’s someone else who wants to be by your side now. And that’s okay. You don’t have to stay in this place of despair. You can do something about it and let her be there with you.”
She knew deep down, whatever she chose, Brandon would be there. Supporting her. Just as he always had been. He continued wiping the tear that fell from the corner of his right eye, “Besides, you can move on and still look back on your career fondly. Have you ever taken the time to celebrate what you’ve done? How you’ve changed the game of tennis? You’ve done it all, Jazzy. You’ve achieved everything,” Brandon exhorted, not as a question, but as a simple, undeniable truth. Grand Slams, gold medals, endorsements, a legacy etched in the history books. A litany of accomplishments that would make any athlete’s head spin. “What’s left to prove? So why not do things you actually want to do now?”
Her gaze drifted towards the window, where the late afternoon sun cast long shadows across the city as she thought about his words. What would it be like toreallydo whatever she wanted? And have Dani by her side in the process.
“She makes me happy, Brandon.”
“I can tell. Actually, I’ve never seen you happier, baby sis,” he stated warmly. “Huh, maybe that’s what I need to do. Find a twenty-something-year-old to make me happy.”
“Ha-Ha.” Jaz laughed and pushed his shoulder. “Shut up, asshole.”
“Okay, I’ll lay off the jokes, cougar. One final thought, and then I’ll shut up. That girl took the leap of faith and put it all out there. She was the strong one. At least you can join her and be there with her if she’s that important to you. If you say you loveher and she’s the one, can’t you at least join her and take a leap of faith? Whatever that may be.”
Chapter 17
Dani unlocked the door to her Queens’ apartment, the silence beckoning her. The furnished space, usually just a temporary holding cell between matches, right now felt like a sanctuary. She was exhausted. A bone-deep weariness that settled in the marrow, but beneath it, a current of pure, electric elation crackled.
Her body ached, a protest from the grueling three-set match earlier. It took everything out of her, and she didn’t know her body could even be pushed to that level. The memory of the final point, the roar of the crowd, and the almost disbelieving look on everyone’s faces. It all flashed through her mind. She had done it. She had finally broken through. She was in her first Grand Slam final. And it was her home tournament, the US Open.
