Page 25 of Accidentally Falling For My Best Friend
But I haven’t been able to get out of my head. On the way here, I realized that Aspen and Sage have never come with us to one of these dinners, even though they happen every week. They’ve met the Caldwells in their box at the Werewolves games, but this house feels more sacred than the public arena. Bringing them here would feel like a very serious relationship move. I can’t help but wonder what it means that Oak hasn’t invited Sage, though.
Now that I’m alone, away from Oakley and pretending like everything is normal, there’s nothing to distract me from obsessing over last night and what all of my confusing reactions might actually mean. Obviously, I’m not in a serious relationship, but no one else knows that. I’m feeling guilty about not being honest with Oakley about the arrangement between Aspen and I. But telling him now might make him think I’m only confessing because we kissed, and I don’t need him reading into that.
When I agreed to go along with Aspen’s idea of the whole fake relationship thing, I can’t deny that my motivation was all about spending time with Oakley. But after last night, the situation seems a little less innocent. I was so confident I didn’t feel anything more than friendship toward him, that hiding the fact that I’m not actually sleeping with Aspen didn’t seem like a big deal. But now, it feels like I’m lying to my best friend for the first time in over twenty years.
Instead of innocently hanging out with Oak, something I’d be doing anyway, while also helping out my new friend, now I can’t help but feel guilty. Like I’m manipulating someone I’m having very confusing feelings about to get them to spend more time with me. Which I guess is what I’ve been helping Aspen do with Sage this whole time, but she made that part seem like more of an afterthought, with the focus being on her shitty family and getting them to give her space. Hanging out with our best friends seemed like a convenient perk.
But I’m having trouble thinking about anything other than the kiss with Oak. It doesn’t feel right to be so consumed by a kiss with someone and then claim I don’t have any feelings for them. Oakley has always been my favorite person, and now that I’m apparently attracted to him too, it seems like the definition of having feelings.
Fuck.
Do I have a crush on my best friend?Is that what this is?
I don’t think I’ve ever really had a crush on anyone before. I’ve had girlfriends I’ve been fond of, relationships I enjoyed being in, women I thought I had romantic feelings for, but I’m not sure I’ve had true feelings for any of them. To be honest, I was never that upset when things ended, and I only started dating them after they pursued me, or Oakley suggested I ask them out. I’ve never secretly pined after anyone.Is that what I’m doing? Piningafter Oak?
I hate this. There’s so much uncertainty.Do I want to kiss him again?Yes. There’s no denying that.But does that really mean I suddenly want to date my best friend?
Fuck. I have no idea.
But I’ve never felt like time stopped when I kissed anyone else.
I seriously need to stop thinking about kissing Oakley. With our friends and family around who know how comfortable we are with each other, I’m worried it will be obvious just how strange things are between us.
I know it's my fault. I can tell that Oakley is trying really hard to act like things are normal between us. But it’s been off. He was too careful with me all morning, formal and polite, compared to how we normally interact and give each other shit, how silly and competitive he can be. He’s obviously uncomfortable with what happened last night. He felt my hard cock digging into his ass, and now he doesn’t know how to act around me.If it made him that uncomfortable, then this is obviously a one-sided situation. He isn’t out there daydreaming about our kiss, wishing it could happen again.
I can’t believe I ground my erection into him like that, however briefly. He’s probably wondering if the kiss was something that I’d secretly hoped for, if he’ll have to let me down gently and put distance between us.
But, before last night, I’d never considered kissing him, or any man. I still don’t understand why I had such a strong reaction. But I know that more than anything, I don’t want our friendship to change.I can’t lose him.I’ve gone this long without kissing him, I can do it again. I can try to forget how amazing his lips felt against mine, and go back to the way things have always been.
Oakley is obviously trying to pretend like nothing happened. He normally talks abouteverything.He tells me all of the mundane details of his day, every opinion he has, and his thoughts on any topic he’s focusing on. He had no hesitation asking to jerkoff in our room in college right in front of me all of those years ago, and he’s told me all sorts of details about his hookups over the years for fuck’s sake.
If he wanted to talk about the kiss, he would have brought it up by now.
So, if he’s acting as though it meant nothing, that it wasn’t some life-altering, make-you-question-everything kind of moment for him,like I’m trying really hard to not admit it might have been for me,then I need to follow his lead. I need to find some way to convince him that we’re fine. We’re still us, and nothing about our friendship needs to change. I can ignore whatever crush I seem to have developed, ignore the fluttering in my stomach that’s happened every time I’ve looked at him since, and the heat that’s flared deep in my gut when I’ve caught my gaze lingering on his lips.
I’m not exactly sure how to do that.But, for now, I guess I need to pretend like nothing happened, and eventually things will go back to the way they were before last night.
Right?
13
OAKLEY
June
Dinner is…awkward.
There’s no other word for it. I keep stealing glances at Parker, wondering if he’s being his normal version of quiet, like he sometimes is in big groups, or if he’s feeling uncomfortable about what happened between us.Did I make things weird this morning at the gym? Did he see my erection and now he thinks I’m lusting after him?
Despite my best efforts to follow Parker’s lead today and act like nothing is going on, Beck won’t stop giving me weird looks, raising his brow at me in that silent, inquisitive way of his that always gets me to bare my soul.Not today big brother, this internal freakout does not need an audience.
I’m sure that Beck would be supportive if I did decide to tell him about the kiss and how confused it’s left me, but I’m not ready to talk about it with anyone. The gym this morning and my physical reaction to Parker during his workout left me with even more questions, and I need to deal with them without opening myself up to his teasing.
I’ve always been able to acknowledge if men are attractive, but I guess I chalked that up to growing up with an openly gay big brother who would comment on things like that. I didn’t think it meant I was attracted to any of those men. The same way I can identify if a piece of cake looks good, but it doesn’t mean I actually want to eat it.
But do I really not want to eat it? Or have I been so health conscious for so long that I don’t even consider wanting the cake? And what does it mean that my mind immediately went to comparing being with a man to eating a universally loved dessert?Have I been craving cake without realizing it?What if I’ve been attracted to men this whole time, but I’ve just never considered being with one as a possibility, so I’ve dismissed those feelings? Did kissing Parker unlock that part of me I’ve kept shut away, even from myself?
I know I should probably talk to someone about what I’m thinking, but Parker is who I’d usually go to about everything, and I obviously can’t go to him when we laughed it off last night and he’s been avoiding the topic all day, acting like things are business as usual between us. And even though I know he’d be supportive, Beck would also give me so much shit after teasing me about being too close with Parker all of these years. I’m not ready to face his ribbing when I’m feeling so uncertain about everything.
