Page 27 of Accidentally Falling For My Best Friend
“For dessert, the chef has prepared lychee flavored mochi ice cream. Enjoy,” the waiter says dramatically.
They’ve been the one narrating this sixteen-course Omakase dinner, and I’ve only understood the meaning of maybe half of the food we’ve eaten tonight.Super fun for carb counting and insulin calculations.
We’re at this over-the-top, Michelin-star restaurant because Sage picked it for her birthday dinner. It’s been a little over a month sincethe kiss, and I think things are finally back to normal between Oakley and I.
We never acknowledged that thingsweren’tnormal between us, but in the first week or so after the incident, there were a lot of stilted conversations and avoiding eye contact. Eventually though, things did seem to return to the way they’ve always been between us, just like I had hoped. It’s hard not to fall into old habits with someone that you live with, work with, and basically do everything with.
Even if I still catch myself glancing at his lips when he isn’t looking, or wondering what it would be like if I switched places with Sage when they’re cuddling on the couch or holding hands as they’re walking.
“Wow, everything has been amazing!” Aspen gushes, taking Sage’s hand. “This was such a great idea, babe.”
We’re still dating the girls. Well, Oak is dating Sage, and Aspen and I are still going through the motions of a relationship when we're around other people so she can post pictures online and convince her family that we’re dating. They’ve also never brought up the kiss. Either kiss, actually, between Oak and I, or between the two of them. I think Aspen is afraid to mess with our arrangement by asking me about it.
It’s kind of wild to think that we’ve been fake dating for a couple of months now. It’s definitely been the easiest relationship that I’ve ever been in, despite the fact that it isn’t real. Even if we avoid any discussions of actual feelings, Aspen is one of my favorite people. Everything’s fine between us. And fine is good. Plenty of people would be thrilled to be in an easy, fine relationship.
And I wouldn’t even be questioning if I was one of those people if it hadn’t been for that damn kiss with Oakley and everything that it’s led me to question since then.
Looking at Aspen, it’s clear to me that she’s beautiful. She obviously puts in a lot of effort with her appearance. She’s really good at doing her hair and makeup, she always wears nice clothes, she works out and eats well. I’d bet anyone attracted to women in this restaurant would agree that she’s attractive.
But, even knowing that our relationship is fake, I still haven’t been able to wrap my head around if I could actually be attracted to her if she wanted that from me. Oakley was the one that suggested we ask the girls out that day in our gym. He asked out Sage, so I went out with Aspen. If she had wanted to hook up thatfirst night, I would have gone along with it. But am I attracted to her specifically? Have I ever been attracted to someone I was dating? Or anyone at all? Have I truly just picked my previous partners based on the idea of who I thought I should be dating?
I don’t fucking know.
On paper, if this was a real relationship, she would be the ideal woman for me. We’re similar ages, she wouldn’t be after money or status, she’s kind, a great friend, and most importantly, she doesn’t care how close I am to Oak. But for the first time in my life, I can’t help but wonder if there might be more out there for me than what I’ve always assumed seems perfect.
This past month has led to a lot of self-reflection on my part, even if I haven’t been able to confidently answer any of the questions I have. I’ve realized I’ve simply gone along with what was easy when it came to dating. Even in middle school, my first date was a double so that Oakley could ask out the girl he liked. In high school, I had sex for the first time because Oakley didn’t want us to go to college as virgins.
There were a few girls and dates over the years that he didn’t introduce or help set up. But looking back, those girls always approached me first, I never pursued them. And they were typically during periods of time when Oakley also had a girlfriend. Would I have ever even dated if Oakley wasn’t there to encourage me?Would I have cared?
I know I’ve never had a physical reaction to any of the women I’ve been with that could compare to the kiss with Oakley. I haven’t had any problems performing, I think my libido is normal, even if I’ve been content to take care of things by myself. But would physical stimulation from anyone be enough? Especially when I wanted to have sex with them, and I didn’t know it could feel like anything else, that it could be as explosive as the kiss Oakley and I shared. None of my previous experiences compare to the electricity ofthat moment.
So, one of the questions that’s lingered in the back of my mind, one of the many that I’m not ready to confidently answer, but constantly tries to interrupt my thoughts and demand my attention—am I even attracted to women?
I would like to think that I’d have figured this out before I was thirty years old. Or that I would have at least questioned thingsbeforekissing my best friend.
But I feel blindsided by the situation, even now, weeks later.
Looking around the restaurant, I try to subtly note if I can findanyonewho I’m sexually attracted to, man or woman, and fall short.Is something wrong with me?There are plenty of good-looking people here, but no one that I’m instantly drawn toward. Sex has just never been a huge priority for me. If I have it, cool. If not, no big deal.
So does it even really matter?
Looking back, though, there’s an exception that I’ve never wanted to inspect too closely. It started that first night in college when Oakley asked if he could stay in his bed to jerk off. I’d laughed to myself about never understanding his libido that’s always been much higher than mine. But I’d assumed it would be no big deal. We obviously knew we both jerked off, so did it really matter if I was in the room?
But then his soft moans and the sound of him touching himself had seemed to overwhelm my senses, and without making a real conscious choice, I’d joined in and gotten myself off too. I was worried back then that things would be weird between us, but they never were. I wrote off my reaction as no big deal, hearing him was basically a live-porn soundtrack, anyone would react that way hearing someone else get off.Even though porn has never made me react like that.I’ve even wondered if I might have a voyeurism kink.
Now, though, I’m debating if Oakley himself had something to do with that response, or if it was because he’s a man, or maybeit was just the sounds and taboo nature of the situation. I can’t confidently answer any of the questions I’ve been asking myself, but I also can’t stop thinking about them.
But surely, if the answer was just that I was gay, I would be attracted to other men,right? Or at the very least, I would have known that I was attracted to my best friend before his tongue was in my mouth.
Maybe the connection that I’m remembering and obsessing over, wasn’t even there. It’s possible I’ve thought about it so much that I’ve exaggerated all of the details and imagined such intense chemistry, but it doesn’t actually exist.
“Ready to go, sweetie?” Aspen asks, and I realize that I’m the only one still seated. I guess we’re leaving.
“Yeah, just trying to decide if I gave myself enough insulin,” I say as I get up to join them. I realize I really should have been thinking about that, and quickly program my pump. I’ve been counting carbs for so long that I’m fairly certain I put in the right amount, even if I couldn’t tell you exactly what it is we ate. I’ll just keep an eye on my monitor and adjust again if needed.
“You okay?” Oakley asks quietly enough that I don’t think Aspen and Sage can hear from where they’ve started walking in front of us.
“Yeah, just a lot on my mind with work stuff,” I mutter. I hate lying to Oakley, so I’ve tried to stick to half-truths the few times he has called me out on acting weird.
