Page 40 of Accidentally Falling For My Best Friend
I’m not sure how long I lay there bouncing between disbelief and gratitude over what happened, stressing over what comes next. Eventually, my pump starts to alert me that I’ll need to add more insulin soon. I don’t want it to wake Oak up, so I slowly ease out of his hold and grab what I need before taking a quick shower, trying not to focus too much on why there’s cum all over my abs and chest so that I don’t get hard all over again. Then I get dressed and carefully use the needle to draw up insulin from the glass vial it comes from the pharmacy in, into the syringe to transfer it to my pump. When I can no longer procrastinate, I take a deep breath, gathering the courage to face Oakley in the main room again where I heard him moving around.
He’s sitting on the edge of the bed, so he must have recently woken up. His head snaps to me as I exit the bathroom, a soft smile on his face as the island sun washes over him in a warmgolden glow through our window.He’s perfect.His sun-kissed skin is a beautiful canvas for his striking features, and his thick brown hair and bright blue eyes are such a lovely contrast. He looks like he belongs on a screen or in a magazine, but I’m lucky enough to be standing here, the solo viewer of the art-worthy display that is Oakley lounging in the bed we just shared.
I can’t take another moment of not knowing how he expects me to act around him. All of the awkwardness between us over the last few months has been horrible, slowly driving me insane as I’ve overthought every single interaction, every word either of us has said, every movement we’ve made in the other’s presence.
I’ve been fooling myself that things could ever be the exact same as they were before the kiss. How could I ever think that I could continue on the way we’d always been after knowing what Oakley’s full lips felt like moving against my own? That I could ever look at him with anything other than awe after seeing the expression he makes while he comes?
I need to know what he’s thinking, even if I don’t like his response. I feel like the not knowing might somehow be even worse. I’ve never been very good at difficult conversations, but I know it’s well past time we had one. As much as I like to pretend I’m no longer the socially awkward kid who doesn’t laugh at jokes at the right time, moments like this always bring me back to that period of my life. I feel just as lost, just as confused about how I should act or phrase things. I know that there’s no good way to do this, though, so I give up trying to find the perfect words and just go for it. “What happens now?”
I think that he knows I mean with us, but in true Oakley fashion, he takes the easy way out with a joke. “I should get cleaned up,” he says with a shrug and a cocky smile. But then to my immense relief, he answers again rather than brushing off my question. “And we should probably talk about whatwe did and if either of us regrets it… Or if we might want to do it again.” Then he quickly adds, “I don’t regret it.”
My heart is racing so quickly I can barely hear his words over the pounding in my ears. I’m quiet for a moment, staring at the beach outside our window with my brows furrowed, biting my lip as I try to figure out what to say. There’s no way I could look into his ocean blue eyes right now, so much more captivating than the water out there, and form any coherent thought beyond “want,” or “mine.” I try to gather the courage to tell him the truth, and force myself to speak. “I don’t regret it either,” I admit, but I know he deserves more than that.
Fuck it.It’s now or never. I might not ever be attracted to anyone like I am to Oak again, and I can’t miss out on the chance to explore that because I’m worried about him not feeling the same way.
I take a deep breath and say, “I’d like to do it again.”
He lets out a huge exhale, like he’d been holding his breath. “I was hoping you would,” he responds, and my gaze snaps to his, my wide eyes probably giving away how little I was expecting that answer. There’s a huge grin taking over his face as we stare at each other for a moment, my mouth twitching as I attempt to hold back my own.
I want to make sure he’s being serious before I get my hopes up, but there’s no teasing in his expression for once, just a large, genuine smile, and I know that look, he’s being sincere.
I let out a short laugh. “Okay, good,” I agree with a nod, unable to get anything more than that out as I realize what we’ve both just admitted.Oakley wants to hook up with me again.
“I mean, obviously. Why wouldn’t you? I’m amazing” he teases.
“And so humble,” I deadpan before finally mirroring his grin. “Are you bi?” I hear myself asking before I think it through as I wonder what exactly changed for him and when.
“I think so. How about you?” he asks, sounding even more excited now. Even though the label doesn’t feel like the perfect fit when Oakley seems to be the only one I’m attracted to, I’m definitely not ready to havethatdiscussion, so I opt for a nod, and he smiles even bigger. “This is perfect! We can explore our newfound attraction to men with each other. We’ve always done everything else together, it feels sort of fitting that we’d do this together too, don’t you think?” he adds with a laugh, sounding eager as he looks up at me hopefully.
My chest feels tight as I process what he’s suggesting, even if my logical brain agrees that it makes sense. Oakley has figured out he’s attracted to men, and he’s suggesting we explore that together, probably go through some sort of checklist of new experiences so that he can build up confidence for when he decides he’s ready to move on and potentially date another man for real. We’re already so comfortable with each other, it makes sense that he’d want to ease into the unknown with me before attempting something potentially so vulnerable with a stranger.
I know I should be happy that he’s offering me anything at all, but there’s a growing knot of tension in my gut at the thought of that arrangement ending, of him wanting to move on.
“So, we go through all of the ‘first times with another man’ together?” I clarify, wanting to make sure I’m understanding his suggestion.
“Yeah, we can keep hooking up. It’ll be great, and so easy, we're already together all the time.”
And no one else has to know,is what he seems to be implying. I don’t think either of us would mind other people knowing that we’re attracted to men, but it would be a bit more complicated than that with living together, and work, and all of our friends and family. They would jump right to wanting us to be together forever, and we definitely don’t need that kind of pressure for what will likely be a short-term thing.
And who knows what sort of implications there would be if anyone at work found out that we’d hooked up. Oakley is technically my boss, and I can’t imagine people would be as trusting of me and my position with the company finances if they thought I only got the job because I was sleeping with the CEO. Or worse, if they thought I was being untrustworthy with the money after finding out I’d hidden something from them. Even if we got back and disclosed a physical relationship with HR, people might assume that we’d been doing this for years.
Plus, there are all of the posts I’m tagged in from Aspen that would make it seem like we’re dating. I’m sure people would have opinions or questions on why I was seeing her and sleeping with Oakley if they ever did find out about him and I being together. Better to keep such a temporary situation between the two of us.
It will also be easier when Oak inevitably ends things. I can save myself any embarrassment of having to explain to anyone that Oakley just wanted it to be fun from the beginning.
“Alright, go shower. That can’t be comfortable,” I tell him, happy that we’re finally on the same page.
“If you insist,” he teases with an eye roll, jumping out of the bed. I know that there’s still a lot more we need to talk about and don’t know what I even want to happen with Oakley. I just know that was the best wake-up of my life.
I’m hoping there will be more mornings like that in our future.
21
OAKLEY
October
My life is amazing.
