Page 58 of Accidentally Falling For My Best Friend
Why am I even pretending like I don’t know the answer to that? I obviously am.
I feel incomplete when I’m not with him, like a part of my soul is missing. I constantly crave his calm, steady presence at my side to set me at ease. I love how strong he is. Not physically, although I definitely enjoy that too, but how he hasn’t let the shitty hand he was dealt in life break him. Between his diabetes diagnosis and losing his dad at such a young age, it's a wonder that he isn’t ever bitter or resentful.
I love everything about who he is as a person. The small things like his fascination with numbers and patterns, how he lights up when he solves a puzzle or finds a way to bring my latest vision to life at work without sending us over budget. I love his kindness and desire to help others without expecting anything in return, which is the whole reason we’re apart right now as he helps Aspen.
I have no idea when exactly I fell in love with Parker, but I’m done lying to myself about it.
I love him, and I have no idea if it even matters.
If I was confident that he felt the same way, then I wouldn’t hesitate to tell him. To stop pretending like our arrangement is purely physical and date for real. We already live together, work together, do everything together. There are married couples who are far less attached than we are, and I know that dating Parkerwould be serious. There would be no casual dating for the two of us, but I don’t want that from him anyway.
The time I’ve spent fooling around with Parker has been the best of my life, and if he’d agree to it, I’d marry him tomorrow.
But I have no idea what he wants when it comes to me. I’m usually so attuned to him that I know how he’ll react to something before he even gets the chance to do it, but this is different. He hasn’t given me any indication that he would want more with me. He hasn’t once hinted at wanting more, even at Thanksgiving when I admitted to wanting to kiss him in front of everyone, he brushed it off.
So, I haven’t said anything more. I’ve ignored the times I’ve wanted to kiss him outside of sex, and I’ve held back from pushing about his motives for wanting to continue to help Aspen for so long. I’m ignoring the fact that all I can think about as I picture future Christmases is what a little Parker would look like calling me dad.
I think this is the first time in my life I’ve ever really been afraid of something. Like, truly, paralyzed by my fear. I’m usually so confident, so sure that things will work out, that I don’t hesitate to go after what I want and deal with the consequences later. I’ve always been popular, I’ve always had my family’s money to fall back on. Even at work, I have my dad on the board to support me if I suggest something not everyone agrees with.
But the fear of losing Parker if I do or say the wrong thing—that is fucking terrifying. I don’t think he would ever intentionally cut me out of his life, even if I did royally mess something up between us. But what if I told him how I really feel, and he doesn’t feel the same way? What if this really has just been fun experimenting for him? Or a convenient hookup for someone who’s never loved dating? What if I tell him and he feels sorry for me? He could put distance between us, or knowingParker and how important I am to him, he might try to force something he doesn’t really feel in an attempt to make me happy.
There are so many ways our relationship could change, hurting one or both of us, and I can’t seem to find my usual courage to ignore them to go after what I want.
So here I am, stuck alone on Christmas Eve, wrapped in a blanket that smells like Parker, wishing that I was with the man I love instead, but too afraid to do anything about it.
28
PARKER
December
Today is an absolute mess.
It was pretty jarring to be violently woken up by Aspen when I’m so used to Oakley’s face being the first thing greeting me, it completely threw me off. Especially because she was truly concerned and her fearful expression immediately triggered my fight-or-flight response.
I’d jumped out of bed, looking around for Oak, who was still half asleep and seemed very confused by what was going on. Once Aspen and I had calmed each other down enough for me to realize we were already running late, she said something under her breath about finding Oakley and I in bed together, but at that point I was rushing to throw my toiletries into my bags and running out the door, I didn’t have time to really care that she’d caught us together. Of all people, Aspen knows what I’m going through. Except her situation actually worked out really great for her.If only.
Apparently, she got into our place by begging the doormanbecause she was worried I might be passed out from low blood sugar.
She’s been around me, and Oakley’s constant worrying about me, enough to know the basics about my diabetes, but I was still a little surprised that she’s been paying that much attention. It’s nice to be reminded how great my friends are, even if I feel really bad about stressing her out.
I’m still wearing the sweats I slept in last night, so I’m really hoping her parents don’t pick us up from the airport themselves. I doubt they will because from everything she’s said about them, they don’t seem the type to go out of their way to greet us, but they definitely seem like the type to judge me for sweatpants.Why am I doing this again?I really hope Aspen figures out a way to get her dad out of her company while we’re there.
I’ve also never been a big fan of flying.
There are so many things that can go wrong and derail even the most carefully laid plans, and today it seems like anything that can go wrong, will. I’m so mentally exhausted trying to deal with it all that I’ve given up any hope of enjoying this trip.
Not that I’ve been particularly excited about it because being apart from Oakley and our families for Christmas is going to suck.
Mom was scheduled to work Christmas this year anyway, so she and I will do something next week. I told her I was going to Atlanta with a friend to help them deal with their unsupportive family, not giving too many details because I didn’t want her getting any ideas that I’m dating anyone. She isn’t on social media, so she wouldn’t have seen any of Aspen’s posts, and I’m hoping to avoid the full explanation since the arrangement should be over after this anyway. She said that she’d want more details after the trip, so I can tell her everything then.
It took forever to check our bags, and the security line we’re stuck in is way longer than I’m used to with it being ChristmasEve. I’m starting to get worried we’re actually going to miss our flight.
After what feels like hours, it’s finally our turn to load our carry-ons onto the belt so we can go through security. Of course, for me, that means requesting additional screening to avoid the body scanner that could mess up my insulin pump, which means even more time on top of whatever time it takes me to explain my insulin and supplies and for them to wipe it all down to check for illicit materials. I’m allowed an extra bag for medical supplies, but I hate carrying extra stuff around the airport, so I always have it in the backpack I use as a carry-on.
Except when I go to remove my insulin and extra supplies from the insulated pocket where I always put them with a TSA-approved ice pack to keep them at the correct temperature, the pocket is empty.
Fuck.
