Page 93 of Mr. Aster
“Well, after she was in the accident and was on her way to the hospital, she called my office wanting to speak to me. From what the paramedic said, she knew she wasn’t going to make it, so it was kind of her dying wish to have that conversation with me,” he said in a lower voice. “You know, never in a million years would I have imagined that she had a softer side, one that would make her request something like that. I would’ve assumed she’d be busy yelling at the first responders and doctors for not saving her life properly.”
“Holy shit,” I said, surprised by his admissions. “Well, I think a lot of people soften up a little when they’re frightened, especially when they’re dying. I’m going to have to give her a pass on this one occasion of literally being scared to death.”
“I try to make light of it, thinking it may help me shed this haunting guilt, but nothing works. I practically threw my assistant out of the room for daring to interrupt my meeting,” he ran a strong hand through his hair before continuing. “She was trying her hardest to shout over me, but I wouldn’t hear it. I’m surprised she didn’t break her nose on the door as I slammed it shut in her face.” His posture grew heavy like a ton of shame was hanging on his shoulders at the memory of what he’d done. “I can’t remember those details very clearly because it’s all a blur, but my recurring nightmare doesn’t skip a beat, as you may remember from the late-night shouting,” he said sheepishly, referring to the nightmare I woke him from. “Melissa wanted to speak to me but work and money were too important for me to give a shit about her needs, even her dying needs.”
I suddenly felt a thickness hanging in the air between us. I couldn’t put a finger on it, but I could sense he was facing off with some demons of grief. This was the shithe’d been internally battling, the thing that’d made him a complete son of a bitch when I first met him. It was the stuff Iknewhe’d never addressed, and it was apparent no one else had attempted to help. His parents’ idea of an intervention was shipping him off to the winery to get his mind off things, as if grief was ever so easy to process.
How fucking sad. Well, if there was someone who could help the man purge all this shit and get it out of his system to move forward and be happy again, it was me. He just had to stay open and let me in; however, from what I’d learned about Sebastian Aster, he would soon shut down, ending the conversation.
“I can’t imagine the toll that’s taken, but now I understand why you’ve come across as the biggest asshole on the planet since I met you,” I nudged him with my elbow, trying my hardest to approach this in the lightest way I knew how. “So, with that said, you’re forgiven for being a dick when I first met you.”
“I appreciate that,” he subtly laughed.
“About Melissa’s final moments, you must try your best to let go of the guilt. It’s not like you knew what was happening.”
“Still, if I were a better husband, astrongerman, I would’ve acted like the respectable individual and husband I believed myself to be and taken my wife’s call over trying to close a business deal.”
“That’s where you’re fucking with yourself. Youcannotdo that,” I said, looking at him. “You have to allow yourself to move forward. Forgive yourself, and let this shit go.”
He looked at me, crossed his legs, and clasped his hands together, laying them in his lap, “You make it sound so easy, given you aren’t the one suffering from this guilt.”
“I’m not trying to make it sound easy. I know it’s not, and don’t be mean to me,” I said, not okay with him being a defensive asshole.
“Sorry about that. Perhaps we can talk about something lighter,” he said dismissively, firing me up to stop him from bowing out so easily.
“Changing the subject merely pushes things to the back burner, where you’ll never unpack and deal with it,” I said. “Don’t you think you owe it to yourself and your daughter to forgive yourself for all that happened?”
“Again, easier said than done. I was not raised to be easy on myself when I fuck up.”
“Just because you were raised that way doesn’t mean you can’t change the learned behavior,” I said. “Regardless, you didn’t fuck it up purposefully. There’s a difference betweenpunishing yourself for fucking it up on purpose versus not knowing.”
“I should’ve known, though. That’s the problem.”
“Well, you didn’t, so give yourself a break. Seriously. This shit will put you in an early grave if you don’t.”
Unexpectedly, he smiled at me, “You know, for the last year, I’ve been living in that grave with my wife. I stayed there because that’s where I felt the least amount of sadness and pain, and up until recently, I wanted to stay there and rot away.”
“That’s morbid as fuck, and I’m glad to hear you sayup until recently,” I replied. “I get it. Tragic deaths must be a form of punishment on Earth, and I will never understand why the Universe allows us to go through them. Nevertheless, even though we face things we aren’t prepared for, we are doing it for a reason. You just need to find out what that reason is, and you never will find that answer until you start facing things and moving forward.”
“Well, I believeyouhave crossed my path for a good reason, Darcy Burke,” he said. “Recently, I’ve felt like I am back in the land of the living, and I know why. You’ve saved me somehow.”
I chuckled at his overly serious declaration. “It must’ve been the dead grasshoppers I fed you,” I smiled and rubbed his arm in a friendly way—a far cry from how I was clenching onto this same bicep while gasping for air in total pleasure last night.
“It must’ve been the grasshoppers,” he agreed, holding his sincere gaze. “I swear, I’ve never met anyone like you before. You’re filled with life and a confidence I’ve never encountered in a woman.”
“Well, maybe I’ll understand why after we go to that auction and see the women in your circles paying to date the rich men.”
“Oh, you will probably have your jaw on the floor, and I’ll have the happiest smile in the fucking room.”
“Because you’re not going to have to date them,” I chuckled, happy the conversation moved to a lighter place.
“No, because I’m going to have your beautiful ass on my arm. I honestly think I’ll be the proudest fucker in that room,” he said, reaching his arm around me. “You are a rare gem, and I would’ve never seen that had we not gone down this silly road of fake dating.”
“Yeah, well, don’t get all worked up because you and I both know that this shit is over and done with after that auction,” I said, trying to remind him where this road was doomed to end.
“It doesn’t have to be, you know?”
“Yes, it does,” I said, a bit more nervous because I liked what he’d said and wanted to believe that he felt that way. I could quickly agree that it would be nice to be with this man, especially because I felt like I was finally meeting the genuine side of him.
