Page 27 of The Notecard
‘He’s handsome, but I’m not looking for anything at the moment. In case you’ve forgotten, I’m recently heartbroken and I’m going away for six months in August. Men are literally the last thing on my mind.’
‘The last thing on my mind is taking out the recycling. I always forget, don’t I?’ says Keri.
‘She does,’ I say, as Hugh and Keri tuck into their gourmet BOT.
Nick is handsome, and I definitely feel something between us, but I can’t think about men at the moment. I need to focus on me, and despite Mum being disgusted I haven’t had sex since James, I’m okay on my own. I miss being in a relationship. I miss the sex. I miss the intimacy. I miss cuddling. I miss kissing. God, I miss sitting on the sofa and just watching television together. But I think after seven years with James, a year on my own will be a good thing. Beth is single and talks about the virtues of travelling solo all the time. Plus, the idea of risking my fragile heart again terrifies the life out of me. I need time to breathe. To find out who I am again #StrongerAlone
I tried dangling a foot in the dating pool again and testing the temperature. A few months ago, tired of feeling alone and still so angry about James, I accepted a date. There’s someone at work who I knew liked me. Gary Humphries. After James and I broke up, he was suddenly always around at work. He’d find excuses to talk to me. Smiles across the office. ‘Fancy a coffee, Meg? I’m just going anyway, so…?’ He mentioned going out for a drink or something. Although he never mentioned what the something was. I always said no, but one day I thought to myself, why not? Gary was good-looking if not spectacular. He was nice if not funny. Gary was solid. We went out for drinks after work. Gary was nervous, I wasn’t ready, and the whole thing was a disaster. It ended early, and that’s as close as I’ve come to even thinking about dating again. Gary Humphries for one hour and twenty-five minutes in the pub. Tepid conversation, two glasses of wine for me and two pints of bitter for Gary and a packet of cheese and onion crisps, before I told him I was sorry and that I wasn’t ready. Gary smiled, accepted my decision, and that’s been it for me. It’s hardly Love Island.
‘So it’s a no on McDreamy?’ says Keri with a hopeful smile.
‘I think it’s time I left,’ I say, downing the last dregs of my wine and getting up. ‘Enjoy the gourmet baked beans on toast. I expect a full review in the morning, Hugh.’
‘I’ll be doing a podcast on it,’ says Hugh.
‘Do you have a podcast?’ I ask.
‘No, but if I did, it would exclusively be beans on toast recipe reviews,’ says Hugh.
‘We could call it pod on toast,’ says Keri.
‘Or bean cast,’ says Hugh. ‘With special comedian quests.’
I get my coat and head out to meet Cressida. As I walk out, I think about Nick and what scares me the most isn’t getting hurt again, or whether the timing is right or not (clearly not), but that I like him. We have a connection, something solid that hardens every time we’re together, and after today I think I might like him even more. HE SAVED MY FUCKING LIFE! I’m not ready for a full-blown relationship, but when I think about one, about the possibility of love, I think about him. That’s what scares me the most. Perhaps it’s why I sent him that notecard. I wanted to test the water. See if perhaps he might respond and if he does, what I might do about it.
I stand in the hallway outside his door. I think about knocking and saying hello. See what he thought of the notecard. I want to see him. I stop for a moment. I raise my hand to knock on the door. I pause. My hand stays there for a moment in mid-air. The thought of it is too much at the moment. Instead I head out to meet Cressida. Nick isn’t going anywhere and can wait for another day when it feels less overwhelming.
Nick
I’m standing in the hallway with my notecard in my hand. I’m so nervous. I think there’s an assumption that doctors don’t get nerves. We’re on the frontline of saving people’s lives. We have nerves of steel. I suppose this is partly true because at work I am much braver. But standing in the hallway between my flat and Meg’s, I’m petrified. I’m scared she will say no and reject me (there’s my fear of failure again). That she’ll show her roommate the notecard and they’ll both start avoiding me. It will become awkward and I’ll have to move. I realise I’m spiralling, but these are genuine thoughts that are going through my head. I want to give her the notecard in person, but I think I’m too nervous. Perhaps I’ll just slide it under her door. That’s probably best because if I talk to her now, I’ll be a bumbling mess. I’ll let the notecard do the talking.
I’m about to slide the notecard under her door when the door opens and out walks Meg’s flatmate Keri.
‘Oh, hi,’ I say quickly.
Keri closes the door behind her.
‘It’s Meg’s knight in shining armour. What are you doing?’ says Keri with a smile.
‘I, umm, was just,’ I say, not sure what to say but decide to come clean. ‘Meg wrote me a wonderful notecard earlier, and I wrote one back. I was going to slide it under your door.’
‘Oh, right. I can give it to her. She’s out tonight, but she’ll be back later.’
‘Umm, no, yes, maybe,’ I say, losing all semblance and clarity of thought. Keri is holding a bag of recycling. ‘Taking out the recycling?’
‘I always forget and so right after we ate, I decided to do it so I wouldn’t forget later. Honestly, I have a brain like a sieve. The notecard? Do you want me to give it to Meg?’
‘You won’t read it, will you?’
‘Of course not. Although it sounds quite interesting now. Does it say how much you love her? Is it a love notecard?’
She’s joking, but I go bright red and it’s obvious she’s hit the nail directly on the head.
‘No, no, just a thank you letter for the thank you letter.’
I want to go back into my flat and disappear. There’s an awkward pause.
‘Just so you know, she literally just got out of a long-term relationship. It ended super badly. He broke her heart and she’s going travelling in August for six months because she needs to get away and fix herself. At least that’s what I think when she says she needs some space. I think she might like you, but she isn’t ready for a relationship. That’s what I would tell you if you were going to ask her out.’
